Spyro The Dragon

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Spyro 1

Notice how he set everything, even the grass, on fire

Spyro The Dragon is a video game for the PSone, in which the evil Spyro invades your Television, your Playstation, and your mind. You just can't get off the couch until you've gotten every last gem off of Tree Tops, kissed (those whores!) all of the fairies in the Haunted Watchtower, and 'freed' all of the dragons from Wizard's Peak. Is it because the game is 'fun', that anyone would like it? Hell no! It's Spyro's EVIL telepathic mind control. The Game Is Based on Spyro's life, Because Spyro couldn't think of anything Interesting about him that is fake...did that make sense?

edit Spyro's Motives

“Spyro must be a loner now, he tortured all his friends, the people who travel with him are slaves & purples such a gay color for a criminal mastermind.”
~ A Crazy Sasquatch on Spyros lonleyness

SURE, he unfroze all of the dragons in this game... But why? It was only because he made Zoe the fairy teleport them to concentration camps right after being un-frozen, where their souls could later be harvested. Zoe also recorded each dragon's last words on Video Casettes, so Spyro could re-watch them whenever he wanted to, like the sick killer he is. Spyro had this game made to cover up all of his evil-doings and make it seem like he was doing the dragons a favor, when in reality he wasn't.

edit Gnasty Gnorc

Spyro hired Gnasty as a hit-man to freeze all the dragons for his plot, in return he gave Gnasty 14,000 gems. But in order to make sure that NO ONE knew what he did except Zoe and Sparx, Spyro betrayed Gnasty right after he froze the dragons. The reason that all of the Gnorcs in the first level are scared of Spyro? His betrayal took them by surprise and they didn't know how else to react!

edit Dragon Realms

The game has 5 areas, or realms. You can reach each realm by hijacking a hot-air baloon. Why else do you think the baloonist doesn't charge you gems for the rides... he is scared ****less by Spyro threatening to set him on fire. The five realms you can reach are Artisans, Peace Keepers, Magic Crafters, Beast Makers, Dream Weavers, and Gnasty's world. Throughout the game, Spyro must collect gems, transfer dragons from their crystals to the camps, and collect eggs.

Spyro can travel to other sub areas by flying through portals which Kill people and clone them on the other side. The result is a retarded version of teh original self. but who gives a shit?

edit Artisans


Spyro Flying into a Portal

A bunch of grass, farms, hills, and castles is all this is. Nothing 'artsy' about this place, unless you consider torture an art. Torture, because while the dragons all got to live in castles, the human peasants had to wander around all day and sleep in the fields. In this realm, Spyro can go around and do the following.

  • Kill sheep and chickens
  • Torch innocent farmers (who know Spyro's evil, so try to fight back)
  • Pretend to free dragons (but we all know where they are teleported to after they talk to Spyro)
  • Torch Flowers
  • Go running with the bulls like a stupid Spaniard, and whine when Sparx turns blue after you get trampled.
  • Catch those stupid thieves. The eggs they stole must be kept safe with Spyro, so he can harvest their souls at an early age.
  • Wake up gnorcs while they sleep and kill them, or kill them in there sleep, Mwahahahahahaha!!
  • Light some fires in the dark hollow. Too bad you can't sing Kumbaya.
  • Kill that weird, scarecrow thing that's actually just a bunch of stupid sheep on stilts! Hahaa! WHAT A NOOB!!!
  • Torture bulls by first horning their backs, which will tip them forward & stick their horns in the ground. from here, wach them struggle to escape & when they do... do it again!

edit Peace Keepers

UN Soldier

"Haha, I already took the Oil-For-Food money, and there isn't a thing you can do! So KISS IT!"

This realm portrays all of the Earth's battlefields. Most of it is desert wasteland, to symbolise all of the war going on in the Middle-East. There is also an ice level to symbolise the Inuuit's ongoing war against 100-year-old whales. It's called "peace keepers" because of the many UN Peace Keeping missions here. But enough about that, here's the to-do list.

  • Burn down U.N. peace keeping tents, only to have the UN Peace Keepers inside show their asses at you. Better torch them, l'il dragon
  • Go kill some Gnorcs who actually fight back, as opposed to the Artisan ones
  • Break into some mother's kitchen, and then kill her (watch out that she doesn't slap you, though)
  • Kill that giant African witch-doctor on the Boss level
  • Flame some cacti.
  • Set off cannons at the UN Convoy to start a war.
  • Catch those stupid thieves in burkas. They figured out your plan to harvest the dragons' souls, you have to get their dragon eggs!
  • Play with that force field thing that cuts boundrys, hmmm if they have forcefields then why is the rest of there tech so crappy?

edit Magic Crafters

This realm is composed of the wizards' alpine cabins in the mountains, and Ugggh do I hate this place! All those green druids that keep changing the ground are so annoying. We have JCBs for that, anyways! NOOBS!!! But enough about that. Here's what Spyro can do here in Magic Crafters!

  • Fall off the edge of a cliff in High Caves, and then summon some fairy slaves to catch you.
  • While still in the High Caves, you can get chased by these huge white bugs that are absolutely terrifying. If Spyro wets himself involuntarily while fleeing the monstrosities, then you must go to the portaloo hidden behind one of the druids in the homeworld. You can get there by entering this secret code on your PS1 controller: Up, down, up, down, left, west, ingrown toenail, R.E.M, duck, duck, duck, goose!!! Then Spyro can go in and clean himself up (and maybe the bug, too, if it got covered in piss as well).
  • Free some more oblivious dragons who think that you've come to 'save' them.
  • Kill-attack those gnorc wizards.
  • Flame some elk.
  • Kill some kind of thunderstorm tornado gut in: Blowhard

edit Beast Makers

This realm is called beast makers because it contains many animals. It is here that Spyro finally gets his first look at modern conveniences, as opposed to just hicks in clay huts with no plumbing. However, only the gnorcs have discovered electricity... So Spyro should kill them and take their Ipods. Since dry land is scarce here, the humans must live in huts, the monkeys in trees, while the dragons get castles. This entire place is muck, so who would want to even live here? Spyro can do the following in this realm:

  • Get up close to one of the gnorcs with Walkmans, and see if you can hear the death metal he is listening to. (But don't let him zap you!)
  • Catch the red and green thieves in the Tree Tops, who for some reason can run 10x faster on two legs than Spyro can on four...
  • Flame some trees.
  • Flame some trees which come to life and try to eat Spyro for being evil.
  • Free some ugly-ass hippie dragons who complain about, "Technology ruining the natural enviornment, man." These guys actually deserve to go to the concentration camps...
  • Kill some monkeys up in the trees, who throw bananas at you. (Even the animals know that Spyro is evil!)
  • Kill some kind of giant deformed apes that walk on giant arms & with there green midget legs, (that look like their B*ll s*cks) they can extend & smack you in the faces, sounding like constipated monkeys.
  • Destroy that giant robot by, i dont know how, but destroying electric poles.

edit Dream Weavers

This is my favorite realm. Spyro couldn't remember exactly what happened to him here, because he was busy partying with all of the fairies in Haunted Towers. So, Insomniac (The game's creators) all got high on cocaine, drunk a bunch of rum, and then put their heads together to come up with some crazy **** for Spyro to do:

  • Kill all of the Cupid's. Yes, I know there is only one Cupid, but when you get a hangover sometimes you have double vision.
  • 'Free' (and by free I mean capture) the only female dragon IN THE GAME, Located in the home-world of Dream Weavers. (The rest are already Spyro's sex slaves)
  • Use the shrink-ray cannons to shrink a bunch of random civilians after they fight back against Spyro.
  • Kill the boss, a loony Jack-in-the-box.
  • Flame the poor fools so that they will do random crap for you, like raising platforms and turning on/off lights. (Spyro can't do it himself, because he has no thumbs)
  • Kiss the fairies on the Haunted Towers level, who will give you an extra fiery breath.

edit Gnasty's World

The last level! Finally, you can kill Gnasty Gnorc, the only person (other than Sparx and the fairies) who knows about Spyro's plan. But first, let's shut down the Dragon Realm's major industrial center, so Gnasty can't get paid any more gems to make into monsters.

  • Invade Gnasty's port city, Gnorc Cove
    • Kill the workers, (who are just innocent humans trying to make a living, but who cares.)
    • Destroy all of the metal barrels full of goods, to halt trade.
    • Blow up the TNT to destroy the entire port beyond repair.
    • See if you can find the fairy prostitute down by the docks.
  • Invade Gnasty's military base
    • Kill the machine-gun wielding gnorcs
  • Kill Gnasty Gnorc in an ultimate showdown.
  • Once you complete the game 100%, you can get into Gnasty's Loot, and steal back all of the money Spyro paid Gnasty (in return for Gnasty freezing the dragons).

edit Music

Stewart Copeland consented to do the music, because he knew that otherwise the music Spyro would've put in himself would have been crap with a bunch of backmasked lyrics. But Copeland had a horrendous experience after Spyro forced him to work 23 hours straight with nothing but coffee and meditation to keep him going. When Copeland simply could not compose any more, Spyro sped up his work by torturing him so Spyro could have the game out by Christmas. Because of Copeland's torture and lack of sleep, the music ironically still ended up bad.

The music on Spyro the Dragon sounds like it came straight from the movie Wall Street. It's some pretentious bull****. Copeland uses some some dumb east meets west meets reggae eclectic musical style and all his licks sound the same. It goes something like do-do-do-dodo-do-do-do, a distinct theme that plays on many of the levels. This is no doubt due to Copeland's torture, lack of sleep, and perhaps lack of talent.

Stewart Copeland would not willingly touch another video game since his horrendous experience with Spyro. However, Spyro kidnapped Copeland thrice more; in Spyros 2, 3, and Enter the Dragonfly.

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