Sputnik

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Sputnik grapefruit

The thing that goes 'beep'.

“In Soviet Russia Sputnik launches you!!”
~ Gorbachev on Sputnik

“Our first space sperm!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sputnik

“It doesn't really beat Burberry”
~ Chav on Sputnik
“Beep”
~ Sputnik on Communism
“Beep”
~ Sputnik on You
“Beep”
~ Sputnik on Everything
“Beep”
~ Sputnik on "hey guys, I found some aliens"

Sputnik (Russian: Спутник) was a silver grapefruit that the Soviet Union catapulted into outer space in 1830, as due to the fact the fruit was made of solid steel and computer hardware, it was inedible. The Russians could not think of anything to do with the Sputnik fruit, but somebody had the bright idea to make it go "Beep" and released it into space.

The United States was very afraid of silver grapefruit proliferation in space, so they hired Hollywood to land on the moon. Boris Johnson was convinced (in between games of wiff waff)) that with enough silver spheres the Communists could control the weather and initiate their "Global Warming" plot along with stealing our precious bodily fluids. After people ignored Johnson and Global warming happened they all screamed "WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED!"

Sputnik was last seen hovering over Norway and is believed to have crashed somewhere in the hostile environment there. Later reports describe a mystic sect worshiping Sputnik, but due to armed resistance, Russian intelligence is afraid to enter and investigate. So they hired a King Kong's sons fathers mothers fathers brothers roommate. He went into the woods and was torn apart by angry savages who wanted Xbox 360s.

Sputnik was named after the sound it made, "Sputniksputniksputniksputniksputniksputniksputnik". It took the gas-powered one-piston, 500 liter motor, 25 hours and all the oil and natural gas in Russia to carry the small load to space. Howdy-Doody was livid when he caught wind that the Russians had just beaten the Americans to Space, coining his famous line, "Damnit! Who am I paying around here??!!"

Sputnik reproduces by mitosis, and little grapefruits sometimes enter the atmosphere and smash into stage performers with questionable talent. How the fruitlings identify bad talent has so far escaped scientists, but they think it has to do with performer appearances at parties of washed-up teen Disney stars.

edit Sputnik in Popular Culture

Sputnik-stamp-ussr

A stamp that goes beep around the world!

Sputnik is rumored to have inspired the game of Badminton. These rumors were not widely believed at first, since tradition held that the game was named after the town of Badminton. But the idea gained traction when it was discovered that there in fact never was any such town.

The legend tells that Badminton was first played on a special episode of the Muppet Show broadcast to commemorate the 20th anniversary of Sputnik's launch. The game appeared during the "Pigs in Space" segment, with Captain Link and Dr. Strangepork volleying a scale model of Sputnik back and forth across a net.[1]

Regardless of the original source of the game of Badminton, it shot to world-wide fame when President Carter of the United States and Premier Brezhnev of the Soviet Union were reported to play several games during the SALT II nuclear arms treaty negotiations. The game was seen as a metaphor of east vs west battling for control of the world with a nuclear-armed Sputnik, each trying to make it fall on the other's country. After the game, a badly-beaten and humiliated Jimmy Carter was heard to say, "the only winning move is not to play."

edit Notes

  1. Private email exchange with leading Muppet xeno-biologist

edit See also

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