Sprinkler defense system
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The Sprinkler Defense System, also known as the S.D.S., is a living, breathing, waste-producing, security network that is easily installed into lawns. Having this protection can save your life in the event that your lawn is attacked by hydrophobic burglars, wicked witches, garden gnomes or Mel Gibson bullying alien vandals out to leave tiny crop circles.
edit Why the S.D.S.?
Why should you install the Sprinkler Defense System? Well, in 12% of all home invasions, the perpetrator was afraid of water. Do you leave your valuables outside in easy to reach areas? Do you leave your children on the lawn because they piss you off? If so, the S.D.S. can protect you and your loved ones from rabies-ebola-malaria-carrying freaks.
edit How Does the S.D.S. Meld with Your Lawn?
- You order the S.D.S. from our catalog, wait 6 to 10 business days for your S.D.S. seed to arrive.
- Once you have received your seed, plant it in the middle of your lawn.
- Water once every other day for 1 week and soon you'll notice small sprinkler buds popping up on your lawn
- By week 3, the buds should have blossomed into full grown sprinklers.
- Once week 5.5 rolls around, the S.D.S. is fully complete and you can let your guard down.
edit How Does the S.D.S. Actually Protect You?
When a burglar, or someone of the same orientation, steps on a single blade of grass, nerve endings in that bit of green stuff send signals to the main bulb in the center of the lawn. In seconds, the sprinkler bulbs pop open and unleash their watery fury. The water sprayed is a mixture of acidic juices and dihydrogen monoxide and burns on contact, (scalding hot water, liquid nitrogen, electrified salt water, gasoline, diluted poison, Guinea worm larvae, water-borne illness and industrial waste water attachments sold separately.) Thus, the intruder runs away, never to return. In cases where the intruder dies from burns, the acidic compounds partially digest the unfortunate victim and absorb its goodness, enriching its sprinklers.
edit How Can You Get S.D.S?
Send $25 dollars ($35 Canadian) plus shipping and handling to 58 Suspicious Street, Untrusworthy Town , 91111, Wyoming.
edit Different Types of S.D.S.
- Popper - Our most popular model, the Popper S.D.S. hides its sprinklers in holes and "pops" out when needed.
- Gattling Gun - The Gattling Gun S.D.S. is always visible, intimidating friends and stalkers. When disturbed, the sprinkler bulbs fire an unceasing torrent of acidic water back and forth.
- Spinner - The Spinner is peculiar because it does not grow nor integrate with your lawn. Instead, it links with a faucet and begins spraying after a few days. They make a good first line defense but are near useless against experienced burglars.
- Wave - The Wave shoots a a tower of water straight up and then bends from side to side. It is very pretty, but its mostly for show.
edit Pseudo S.D.S.
If you have a Slip-and-Slide, it WILL NOT protect you. In fact, the Slip-n-Slide was invented by burglars to get away faster. Do not fall for their tricks.
Fountains and other water-spraying lawn ornaments WILL NOT protect you. They are near useless when home invaders arrive.
edit I Heard My S.D.S. Breathe, Talk, Poop, Etc. Is that OK?
edit Do I Need to Feed My S.D.S.?
Normaly, you do not have to feed the S.D.S. It catches its own food whenever something slow walks across the lawn. If your S.D.S. hasn't caught anything for several weeks, invite your neighbors for a barbecue on your lawn. If you have already exhausted the neighbor tactic, consider buying a dog or cat.
edit What Else Can I Do with My S.D.S.?
Much like a dog, cat, or venus-flytrap, S.D.S. loves to play with its owner. You can place lawn ornaments on a S.D.S. so that it can practice protecting the house. Through bonding and love, S.D.S. can become your best friend.
edit What If I Don't Want To Play With My S.D.S.?
It is highly recommended that you spend at least a few minutes a day with your S.D.S. Otherwise, it may become bitter and invade your house. Once inside a dwelling, S.D.S. is very dangerous and will forcibly integrate with the walls and ceilings (also known polymerization or symbiosis). S.D.S. will then grow special sensors on the the ceilings that beep whenever something gets too close. Though unlikely, S.D.S. may grow spinning blades on the ceilings as well. These are very dangerous as they are sharp enough to decapitate you. In the most extreme cases, S.D.S. permanently becomes part of your house, infecting toasters, computers, and other appliances.
edit Help! My House Is Being Controlled By S.D.S.!
Calm down. We suggest you call for one of our trained exterminators at 1-800-SDS-B-GONE, unless your phone was taken by S.D.S. In that case, set your house on fire. It is also highly recommended that you do not leave your house while it burns because we do not give refunds anyway.
S.D.S. is one of the few things that can live with Gazebos.
A rare species of S.D.S. grows exclusively indoors and sprays when fire is nearby.