Australians are renowned for their unseemly, hairy-chested and generally puzzling obsession with sport. Anthropologists largely agree that this is because there's bugger-all in the way of Australian artistic, economic, scientific or culinary achievement for them to carry on about.
The biggest sports in Australia are, in order of popularity: cricket, Australian Rules football, rugby league, V8 Supercars, ferret racing, rugby union, two-up and the Olympics. Australians will, however, slap on the green-and-gold zinc cream and clamber aboard the bandwagon of any Australian sportsman or team that seems to be in with a sniff of winning something - for example, if an Australian tennis player other than L'il Lleyton Hewitt gets past the first round at a Grand Slam event.
ACL, better known as Aussie Rules Cricket is a hybrid between the original game and ten pin bowling, where, at their liberty, a bowler may choose to deliver a ball by rolling it down the pitch. Australians are often known, probably due to heat exhaustion, to get the rules of ACL (also known as 3-pin bowling) confused with the international version. This caused heated debate in 1981 when the Chapple Bros. finished a game against New Zealand in the domestic format. The cricketing world will not forgive them, ever, as decreed by the Treaty of Muldoon in 1982. Especially when they keep winning.
Disparagingly known as "aerial ping-pong" north of the Murray, the traditional Aboriginal sport of Aussie rules (first played with a stuffed possum skin) is all about athletes in tight shorts (professional), preening private schoolboys (amateur) or tattooed, toothless thugs (suburban and country) chasing a pigskin around the paddock in the hope of dobbing a torp from 50. West Australian footballers are known as Sandgropers (as 85 per cent of all West Australian men have their first sexual experience with a crab hole in the ground) and South Australian footballers are known as Croweaters (as the state's economy revolves around collecting, cooking and eating crow carcasses wedged in the grilles of road trains returning to the eastern states after delivering another shipment of beer to Darwin). This is the only sport that Australia fucks on every other country.
Althogh australian are useless at cricket, they manage to maintain the rank of number 1 in the world by bribing match officials with money, sexual favours and aborigine slaves. The slaves are becoming less and less comon as Hitler has stepped in and traded them all to japan to use in sushi for eternal allegiance in all world wars that germany is ever involved in. The British Empire bequeathed its subjects two bonza legacies: the railways in India and cricket in India and everywhere else. Cricket is loved by all sections of Australian society, from plummy-accented wannabe Poms to blokes in Stubbies (shorts) and thongs (flip-flops) who drink stubbies (bottles) of icy-cold Germaine Greer (beer) on the field. The batsman keeps his stubby behind the stumps. Professional cricket in Australia looked to be on a sticky wicket during the game's controversial changeover from serving spectators full-strength beer in cans to low-alcohol beer in plastic cups that cracked down the side as soon as you picked them up. Australian ingenuity came to the rescue, however, in the form of stealing syringes from diabetic relatives in order to inject citrus fruit with large volumes of vodka.
Australians may give the Poms a hard time, but they are eternally grateful for them for two things: cricket, and the fact that they got here before the French. Otherwise we'd all be speaking French now, just like the English had to when they were a French colony.
But, cricket will come to an end the day Jason Gillespie gets a Quadtury againest the Poms.
Australians are mad about ferret racing. Mad as a cut snake, in fact. Every major city and small town has several semi-legitimate ferret-racing cartels, usually run out of the carpark of the local RSL club.
Ferret racing's popularity stems mainly from the fact that there is drinking involved. The fact that it gets you away from the wife and is an easy way to make loads of beer money is simply the head on the schooner as far as Australians are concerned.
Ferrets are generally raced through long lengths of transparent aggie pipe (flexible agricultural drainage pipe), which are often arranged in shapes based on a theme, such as the layout of the Bathurst V8 Supercars track (on a 1:64 scale), the Albert Park Formula One grand prix track (full size), and the shape of Germaine Greer's map of Tassie.
To keep things interesting, the best ferrets are handicapped in imaginative ways, with blindfolds, concrete boots, a two-pound ball and chain and combinations thereof being just a few examples. Betting on ferrets is not restricted to cash - sheep stations, chainsaws, pineapple harvests and nights with the missus frequently change hands at both city and country meetings.
Affectionately known as "cross-country wrestling" or "Thugby League", this acquired taste of a sport draws an entire social stratum from south-west Sydney in middling-to-small numbers to watch the traditional "spear tackle", in which two huge men of Pacific Islander origin pile-drive another huge man of Pacific Islander origin head-first into turf that 17 years of drought has baked to the consistency of reinforced concrete. In the grandstand, men with microphones, flat noses and thinning hair say things like "Orr, by gee! That woulda hurt!" and "They're breaking down around the play-the-balls." At the end of the match the losing Pacific Islander's vertebrae are handed out as consolation prizes to children who didn't win the chook raffle.
The bum-sniffing game they play in Heaven has many followers in Australia, mostly bi-curious private schoolboys and those from New South Ireland.
Football is called soccer in Australia. However the FIFA has stated that the word Soccer be outlawed and
soccer football is now to be called football. As a result fake football is now called AFL. NRL, which can be confused with the similarly spelt AFL, is now called Rugby and Rugby is no longer played as the Australian public cannot abide losing to the clearly more talented New Zealand teams with the Wallabies to undergo a tar and feather process, move to New Zealand and now be called the All Black Kiwi Feathers. The FIFA in renaming all instances of soccer football forgot to rename the Socceroos which ultimately confused Japan at the last moment which lead to their defeat.
Soccer Football fans have turned into a bunch of complainers after the mafia shot Mark Schwartzer in the 94th minute of their game against Italy. Fabio Grosso also tricked Lucas Neil by offering him pizza. People in Melbourne seem to like this game as they are the only soccer football team in the A-League that allows spectators to watch. This is where the tallest players come from, guys such as Viduka, Aloisi and Kennedy are freaking huge, but only one of them scores goals for the Roos.
The A-League, for the record, is a sublimely twisted league in which young kids that are about to be snatched by evil european devils play with ancient guys who used to be able to kick a ball. Australian teams are however, crap. They consistently put barrriers in the way of the New Zealand teams that they allow into the competition. Teams that are superior and only finish at the bottam of the table every year because ozzy teams give the NZ playrs mind dulling injections
Two-up is a numismatic sport in which elderly athletes (from Adelaide mainly) in an advanced state of refreshment gamble on whether two old bronze coins, when tossed, will come up heads or tails. If they come up one head and one tail nobody is quite sure what to do. The sport is technically illegal except on Anzac Day and during times of war. Two-up schools often employ sulphur-crested cockatoos (known as "cockies"), which can be bought from pet shops or trapped on an uncle's farm, to watch out for police (who are known as "wallopers" or "get a real job, ya fuggin' dog bastard"). The first professional team to compete in the Commonwealth Games was Sydney FC
Since Australia has no tribal or ethnic rivalries, apart from the Serbs, Croats, Italians, Greeks, Turks and Armenians getting stuck into each other at the soccer, the Lebanese and the rednecks getting stuck into each other on the beach, and the Vietnamese getting stuck into it at the nightclubs with anyone who fancies a bit, the country had to manufacture one. And so was born the titanic high-octane motorsport battle between Ford and Holden. All Australians are required to pick a side and not drive any of that Japanese rubbish if they're really fair dinkum. The highlight of V8 season is always the Yackandandah Beetroot Farmers' Co-Operative, Johnson and Son 1000 at the Aboriginal sacred site of Bathurst. Technically the cars can run on the alcohol exhaled by race fans who stay permanently paralytic for the duration of the three-day carnival, but few teams like to do this as the lumps of carrot in the vomit can cause fuel-line blockages. Police are chased off and their vans set on fire, and with a bit of luck a kangaroo will get onto the track and get skittled by a Commodore. This is the great holy mecca for all petrol-heads which boasts more totally smashed on fumes mad buggers than that stupid event held in the backward place of Indiannaopolis. Great gods are worshipped on 'The Mountain' rumoured to be the place Moses received the ten commandments (there were 20 but he was totally shit-faced after drinking 30 dozen beers he didn't give a rat's arse about the others). Gods like 'Brocky', 'Skaify', 'Lowndsy', 'Brighty', 'Murph' and other guys who's names can be said with a 'y' on the end.
Many celebrity V8 Supercars Events have been held, Including the wiggles when they raced their "Big Red Supercar"
Come Games time Australians will remind you that decrepit Olympic uberfuhrer Juan Antonio Samaranch declared Sydney "the best games ever" and then reveal that they have actually been following the women's hockey team quite closely over the past four years and that on current form over this distance and with them liking it wet and all, they're a dead cert to tan the hide of everyone else who pulls on a boot, with the possible exception of Argentina.
Swimming causes the most Olympic hysteria, and the fact that he only turns up once every four years to paddle a couple of laps hasn't stopped lycra-clad chlorine huffer Ian Thorpe from turning Olympic gold into a business empire that encompasses sports drinks, underwear, pearl necklaces (no, really) and vacuum-packed tuna steaks (that's true too).
Through a dirth of local talent Australia's Olympic officials regularly cast a net out to other countries in an effort to find some atheletes cap[able of winnign a medal. If they cannot find someone willing they will thump someone on the head, drug them, brainwash them, remove 99.875% of their brain tissue so they do not make other Australians feel inferior by looking too smart and send them out into the world as "another great Australian athelete"
They may have the best Gold medal-Population ratio, but when Swimming is no longer a sport, they will be among the ranks of Banglandesh and Brunei