Sport

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This article is of the popular Melbournian past time, curling. For the British version of the same definition, see something we'll never be good at.
A higher sport.

Going back thousands of years through the anals of time, man's penchant for sport (pronounced spurt) is limitless and bounding. Competition has both raised the blood to passionate fervency and reconfirmed the eternal greatness of mankind throughout the centuries. Among the first sports was rungold, which consisted of one man standing at the top of a hill next to a huge boulder, and another man one hundred paces down. The first man would push the massive rock down the hill, and the object was that the second man had to "return it."

The official logo of the NBA.

Another early sport was Sokur, an archaic game in which players would kick a round object with their feet with the object being to get the ball into either of two makeshift structures called "nets" (usually made out of tungsten weed, or spiderwebs). This game quickly fell out of favor when it was discovered that the object could be picked up with the hands, eventually leading to modern-day Rugby.

Modern sports include Real Football, Baseball,Cat Huffing,Curling, Snooking, Sockey, Kitten Hurling, Chucking loads of Elephant Poo at each other, Sailing and Monkey Waxing. Every 5 years the Olympiad is played in these and three other grand sports. It is an international competition open to all nations, which originated with the Geeks, an ancient civilization of people with thick glasses and a penchant for VRML tags. People have been throwin' the pigskin, hurlin stones, and waxing monkeys for decades with no stop in sight. This event is ultra-telecast on multilive video feeds on a number of stations worldwide. The soft drink revenues from the event are in the billions, but hey you don't need to know that, you're too busy watchin koko get a clean wax job.

It is a known fact that the only sure fire way to succeed in school is to be good at a sport. If you are on a varsity team, you could theoretically set the school on fire and still be rewarded with As.

Contents

[edit] Sports and Masculinity

"Sports People" can be divided into two categories:
1. Those who play some type of sport: Athletes or Sportsmen (sportswomen must have testicle transplants)
2. Those who only watch it: Enthusiasts/Spectators (if restricted to TV, see "Couch Potatoes")
The latter group can be identified by their "conversation" which usually goes like this:
"You don't like sports? What are you, some kind of fag? You're probably even an Artist!" (swearing is also compulsory to prove how butch you are).

If you belong to category 2, the following phrases must be learnt by heart:
"IF U DONT LIKE SPORTS YOU PROBABLY SPEND YOUR LIFE ON THE COMPUTER PLAYIN MMORPG GAMES AND HAVING VIRTUAL SEX. (unlike me who spends his life watching sport on TV 'cos that's OK, innit?)"
"i love sports!! (i mean watching sport... you don't expect me to leave my TV do you?)"


For Obsessive Sports Spectating the following requirements must be fulfilled:

  1. you must be masculine or at least butch
  2. you must tell everyone constantly how you hate fags
  3. you must also constantly make jokes about "soap on a rope" (if you don't understand this, you have never been in the showers with a bunch of Rugby players)
  4. you must tell everyone you're not a fag
  5. you must not admit to any gay thoughts
  6. don't even think about "showering with me mates" or what "soap on a rope" means
  7. we told you not to think about it!

[edit] Stream of Consciousness

WARNING: Excessive TV sports watching can damage the brain and can lead to you sounding like an Artist!

Typical early signs of TV-induced brain damage include "Stream of Consciousness" writing invented by that fag James Joyce and is characterised by novel spelling and grammar, such as:

"Sport may be described as, fair, difficult, exciting, perhaps dangerous pursuit of a wild animal, ball, piece of rubber, ect. Who has the odds in its favour, whose courage, strength, speed or cunning is more or less a match for, or superior to our own."

or

"the hardest sport to play is prashbi wrestling the aim is not to get laid on by the prashbi you have to push it out of the ring this usaly takes 10,000,000 to 50,000,000,000 trys to do it,the world record for push a prashbi out is only 67,594 go's!!!!! but later died of heart attack because it saw its ugly butt!!!."

Note: You SHOULD NOT mention gay or fag things such as:

"Strangely though wrestlers enjoy their sport because it gives them an oppurtunity to hug a sweaty hot guy." iT also gives them an opportunity to release their semin and say its sweat

SPORTS!

[edit] A Conversation

Nearly all conversations between Sports Enthusiasts go something like this:

Enthusiast 1: "Hey, i have something really important i need to show you."
Enthusiast 2: "Farck yeh, i'll be over in around 30 minutes. I need to watch this match 'cos if I don't yell at the TV my farkin side will lose."
Enthusiast 1: "Farkin great, bring a soap on a rope"
Enthusiast 2: "I will"

2 Hours later-
Enthusiast 2: "Sorry im late i was busy punching the shit of me missus 'cos my side lost, the farkers"
Enthusiast 1: "Farkin great, hey, ive had a farkin great wank since i called you before"
Enthusiast 2: "You look different"
Enthusiast 1: "Thanks, ive wanked myself to untold levels"
Enthusiast 2: "Here's the soap on a rope"
Enthusiast 1: "Have you ever told you i love you?"
Enthusiast 2: "Nah mate. But just whip ya pants down and touch ya toes, not that i'm a poofta"
Enthusiast 1: "blah blah blah ten goals in 1957 and won sportsman of the year in 1833 and again in 1722"
Enthusiast 2: "blah blah blah blah blah he had the biggest balls and number of wickets last year"

The End

[edit] Popular real sports (for RETARDS)

[edit] The Best Sports

  • The G'day Sport
  • Watching Fox Sports
  • Basketball
  • Dropping the Soap in the Shower
  • Watching Fox Sports

P.S the worst sport is baseball/softball, it's made for people who want to stand there and let the ball come to them. But cricket is different! it's made for people who want to stand there and let the ball come to them.

  • Watching Fox Sports

[edit] S sports

The last three sports on the list of popular real sports above are often referred to as the “S sports” (sex, sleeping and shopping). A person who can spend his or her life improving their skills in these sports is said to have a “Perfect Life”.

Recently it has been noticed that by adding a daily routine of another S sports – “Soccer Watching” (of course watching, who can run for an hour and a half? who can run for a minute and a half? [with no sale at sight that is]) – one can reach the level of “Super Perfect Life”. A similar result has been spotted with individuals that added the S sport of “Spaing” to their daily routine.

Scientist are now looking for candidates that will take part of an experiment that will see if by practicing the 5 S sports (sex, sleeping, shopping, soccer watching and spaing) one can get to the level of “Super Super Extra Super Perfect Life” or maybe by adding so many sports to a person’s life one would simply become overwhelmed and die.

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