SpongeBob SquarePants

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SpongeBob SquarePants, a show full of happiness and rainbows.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about SpongeBob SquarePants.
“Meow.”
~ Gary on SpongeBob

SpongeBob SquarePants (often referred to simply as SpongeBob, Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob, SpongeBob Squarepants, or The Spongebob Squarepants Show, starring Spongebob Squarepants) is an animated children's television series about the everyday life of various undersea creatures which, for some reason, includes a squirrel. The show has sparked much SpongeBob-themed merchandise, including everything from boxer shorts to toilet paper. It is currently the most popular show on Nick, which isn't saying much.

Characters

SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants is a 23-year old anthropomorphic sea sponge with the mind capacity of a five-year-old. He currently resides in a pineapple with his snail[1], Gary. Despite being a piece of fruit, his house is not the strangest place of residence on the block.[2]

SpongeBob

As you can clearly see, his pants are not square.

Is Bob really a sponge?

Since SpongeBob does not look exactly like a sea sponge, some speculate he is really a piece of cubed cheese posing as an animate object. However, SpongeBob's relatively squishy body and wavy outline lead to the conclusion that he is really a kitchen sponge posing as a sea sponge by living at the bottom of the ocean. This would, however, pose the question of why he hasn't absorbed any sea water, given the absorbing quality of kitchen sponges. The answer is simple. It's a cartoon.

Are his pants really square?

Although SpongeBob's last name is SquarePants, some mathematicians claim that his pants are not really square but are more rectangular. A study of SpongeBob's pants began, and upon closer examination, it was revealed that 4s was not equal to 2l+2w, with s representing "side," l representing "length," and w representing "width." However, in a square, l+w=2s. Basically, Spongebob's pants do not have four equal sides, a necessary component of a square. Thus, some might speculate that his pants are a rectangle. However, this is not the case either. Since his pants contain lines on the x, y, and z axis, his pants are three-dimensional, and therefore, a rectangular prism.

Patrickstar

Patrick's most intelligent face.

Patrick Star

Main article: Patrick Star

Patrick Star is SpongeBob's best (and only) friend. Although he is often depicted as dimwitted, fat, lazy, ignorant, and unemployed, he is not an American. Instead, he claims to be a starfish. Yet, while starfish are shaped like stars and have multiple miniature "feet" on their underside, Patrick tends to resemble more of a lopsided triangle with a pair of limbs. Furthermore, he wears horribly ill-fitting pants and has a belly button, further enforcing the notion that he is a human with the intelligence of a starfish and possesses no other qualities of an underwater creature.

Squidward Tentacles

Main article: Squidward Tentacles
Squidtwerk

Squid's been twerking before Miley Cyrus.

Squidward Tentacles is SpongeBob's next-door neighbor, and, despite being named Squidward, is actually an octopus according to creator Stephen Hillenburg. He plays the clarinet at a fourth grade level and is currently the second chair in his orchestra class. However, there are only two clarinet players in the orchestra, and the other one is Used Napkin.[3] Although Squidward is often criticized for not wearing pants, nobody seems to care when Plankton frolics in the nude, and Sandy wanders around in purple undies.

Sandy Cheeks

Main articles: Sandy and Cheeks

Sandy Cheeks (formerly known as Sandra Shotgun Shooter the Kid) is a squirrel who moved underwater because she had no friends on land, and also because she is a wanted Texas outlaw. Government agents are currently scarring the entire American continent to find her. Their fear of sharks has given Sandy the advantage to hide out under the sea. Once in Bikini Bottom, she changed her identity to become the cowgirl/scientist in a spacesuit that we all know her as today.

Mr. Krabs

Main articles: Mr. and Krabs

Eugene "Mr." Krabs is the father of Pearl, a sixteen-year old talking whale, and the owner of the Krusty Krab, a fast food restaurant which can somehow obtain all the necessary ingredients for a hamburger despite being underwater where no beef, wheat, or vegetables are readily available. Although his last name is "Krabs," Mr. Krabs is probably a crab, not a krab (which is a type of processed seafood made from white fish that is pulverized in order to resemble crab legs). However, this still would not answer the question of how it is anatomically possible for him to have a whale as a biological daughter.

Plankton

Main article: Plankton

Sheldon J. Plankton is a one-eyed cockroach whose ultimate goal in life is to obtain the Krabby Patty secret formula (sometimes to rule the world or something else irrelevant) so customers will actually give a crap to eat at his restaurant. Especially since his chum tastes like the stuff that comes out of a camel's anus. The writers try their best to depict him as a villain when he is actually a loser whose family is a bunch of rednecks, constantly forgets to blink, and has basically wasted much of his life foiling his own plans and being repeatedly stomped and sat on. Because of this, he is forced to live in a bucket all alone with a talking computer which is supposed to be his wife.

Spongebob Characters

From left to right: Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Gary, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, everyone else.

Everyone else

Main article: Everyone else

Everyone else includes the rest of the major characters, such as Gary, Pearl, and Mrs. Puff, and as well as other minor characters that are so unimportant that they don't even have original names, such as Tom and Fred. Everyone else has appeared in more episodes than all of the main characters combined and had several hundred cameos in the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. Despite these achievements, a recent poll revealed that Everyone else is the least popular SpongeBob character, so unpopular, in fact, that it wasn't even included in the poll.

Locations in the show

Bikini bottom is a cultural wastland that is devoid of any sense of responibility, civic duty, or morality. There is a general consensus amoung experts that bikini bottom is indeed an underwater town with a modest poplation of about 15,000 fish-people. Despite its moral bankruptsy it has a thriving economy and thus has many noteworthy buisness venues and private estates.

Spongebob's pineapple

Spongebob's place of residence is a pineapple that has long since passed it's experation date. The wall are very slimy and sea-yeast have caused the pineapple to rot and ferment. The Bikini Bottom department of health has tried to condemn the dump but the investigators have never returned.

The Krusty Krab

Spongebob's work place, the resteraunt serves fried food and it's owner Mr. Krabs is the only sea creature in town with the means to obtain ground beef. It has a history of health violations but has some how managed to stay open.

Criticism and controversy

During much of the show, the characters talk to each other in the same way that humans would: By speaking English. However, some parents accused this of being unrealistic and inaccurate. Since much of the show is set in Bikini Bottom, which is a name used by the show's creators to signify the lagoon beneath Bikini Atoll in the Marshall Islands, the characters should really be speaking in Marshallese, the official language of the Marshall Islands, not English. For example, one of SpongeBob's catchphrases is "I'm ready! I'm ready!" Realistically, he would have said, "Ña ewōr pojak! Ña ewōr pojak!" which is the correct Marshallese translation. Likewise, common phrases such as "My leg!" and "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" should really be "Aō ne!" and "Wōn mour i peinabōl iuṃwi-lọjet?" respectively, and Gary's classic "Meow" would become "Fenōji-umfa-ñoojay-leefee-uhmhat-zhaggọt-phutta-gung."

Decline in quality

Like The Simpsons, SpongeBob was a once-awesome show that rapidly declined in quality. From 1999 to 2004, the show was often praised for its realism, adult humor, and morals. However, after The Spongebob SquarePants Movie, Stephen Hillenburg and most of the writers left for other projects, so Nickelodeon hired a college drunk named Paul Tibbitt to run the show. Tibbitt then assembled a team of circus chimps consisting of Richard Pursel, Casey Alexander, and Zeus Cervas to write the new episodes.

SpongeBob soon turned into an unfunny, childish, homosexual time-waster with poorly-plotted episodes. One of the chimps also mauled and killed SpongeBob's voice actor, explaining why the main character now has a higher-picted, squeakier voice. Much of the show's older audience stopped watching it, leaving three-year olds, people with mental problems, and emos as its only viewers.

Merchandise

Sponge christmas

The SpongeBob Nativity Scene. Available at Target.

The producers of the show have currently made it their goal to create SpongeBob-themed versions of every single thing in existence. This trend started with SpongeBob-themed clothing, including pajamas, shirts, hats, socks, bras, thongs, gloves, turbans, saris, and parachute pants. SpongeBob versions of classic games ranging from chess and Monopoly to SpongeBob-themed black jack, Russian Roulette, and strip poker were also created. As SpongeBob's popularity grew, cereals, video games, toys, bicycles, and even college textbooks featuring SpongeBob characters were created. However, to this day, the best selling SpongeBob novelty item is the SpongeBible due to the popularity of stories such as Plankton's Ark and the crucifixion of Patrick.

Footnotes

  1. or maybe it's a cat, or a meowing snail, or a blue cat with a shell, or...
  2. After all, Squidward lives in a head.
  3. For more information on Used Napkin's successful music career, see his biography on Spongepedia, the free encyclopedia.

See Also

   v  d  e
SpongeBob SquarePants is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.


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