# SpongeBob SquarePants

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“Meow.”
~ Gary on SpongeBob

SpongeBob SquarePants (often referred to simply as SpongeBob, Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob, SpongeBob Squarepants, or The Spongebob Squarepants Show, starring Spongebob Squarepants) is an animated children's television series about the everyday life of various undersea creatures which, for some reason, includes a squirrel. The show has sparked much SpongeBob-themed merchandise, including everything from boxer shorts to toilet paper. It is currently the most popular show on Nick, which isn't saying much.

## Characters

### SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob SquarePants is a 23-year old anthropomorphic sea sponge with the mind capacity of a five-year-old. He currently resides in a pineapple with his snail[1], Gary. Despite being a piece of fruit, his house is not the strangest place of residence on the block.[2]

As you can see, his pants are not square.

#### Is Bob really a sponge?

Since SpongeBob does not look exactly like a sea sponge, some speculate he is really a piece of cubed cheese posing as an animate object. However, SpongeBob's relatively squishy body and wavy outline lead to the conclusion that he is really a kitchen sponge posing as a sea sponge by living at the bottom of the ocean. This would, however, pose the question of why he hasn't absorbed any sea water, given the absorbing quality of kitchen sponges. The answer is simple. It's a cartoon.

#### Are his pants really square?

Although SpongeBob's last name is SquarePants, some mathematicians claim that his pants are not really square but are more rectangular. A study of SpongeBob's pants began, and upon closer examination, it was revealed that $4s$ was not equal to $2l+2w$, with $s$ representing "side," $l$ representing "length," and $w$ representing "width." However, in a square, $l+w=2s$. Basically, Spongebob's pants do not have four equal sides, a necessary component of a square. Thus, some might speculate that his pants are a rectangle. However, this is not the case either. Since his pants contain lines on the x, y, and z axis, his pants are three-dimensional, and therefore, a rectangular prism.

Patrick's most intelligent face.

### Patrick Star

Main article: Patrick Star

Patrick Star is SpongeBob's best (and only) friend. Although he is often depicted as dimwitted, fat, lazy, ignorant, and unemployed, he is not an American. Instead, he claims to be a starfish. Yet, while starfish are shaped like stars and have multiple miniature "feet" on their underside, Patrick tends to resemble more of a lopsided triangle with a pair of limbs. Furthermore, he wears horribly ill-fitting pants and has a belly button, further enforcing the notion that he is a human with the intelligence of a starfish and possesses no other qualities of an underwater creature.

### Squidward Tentacles

Main article: Squidward Tentacles

Squidward Tentacles is SpongeBob's next-door neighbor, and, despite being named Squidward, is actually an octopus according to creator Stephen Hillenburg. He plays the clarinet at a fourth grade level and is currently the second chair in his orchestra class. However, there are only two clarinet players in the orchestra, and the other one is Used Napkin.[3] Although Squidward is often criticized for not wearing pants, nobody seems to care when Plankton frolics in the nude, and Sandy wanders around in purple undies.

### Mr. Krabs

Main articles: Mr. and Krabs

Eugene "Mr." Krabs is the father of Pearl, a sixteen-year old talking whale, and the owner of the Krusty Krab, a fast food restaurant which can somehow obtain all the necessary ingredients for a hamburger despite being underwater where no beef, wheat, or vegetables are readily avaliable. Although his last name is "Krabs," Mr. Krabs is probably a crab, not a krab (which is a type of processed seafood made from white fish that is pulverized in order to resemble crab legs). However, this still would not answer the question of how it is anatomically possible for him to have a whale as a biological daughter.

From left to right: Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Gary, SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, everyone else.

### Everyone else

Main article: Everyone else

Everyone else includes the rest of the major characters, such as Sandy, Plankton, and Gary, as well as other minor characters that are so unimportant that they don't even have original names, such as Tom and Fred. Everyone else has appeared in more episodes than all of the main characters combined and had several hundred cameos in the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. Despite these achievements, a recent poll revealed that Everyone else is the least popular SpongeBob character, so unpopular, in fact, that it wasn't even included in the poll.

## Controversy and Criticism

During much of the show, the characters talk to each other in the same way that humans would: By speaking English. However, some parents accused this of being unrealistic and inaccurate. Since much of the show is set in Bikini Bottom, which is a name used by the show's creators to signify the lagoon beneath Bikini Atoll in the Marshall Islands, the characters should really be speaking in Marshallese, the official language of the Marshall Islands, not English. For example, one of SpongeBob's catchphrases is "I'm ready! I'm ready!" Realistically, he would have said, "Ña ewōr pojak! Ña ewōr pojak!" which is the correct Marshallese translation. Likewise, common phrases such as "My leg!" and "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" should really be "Aō ne!" and "Wōn mour i peinabōl iuṃwi-lọjet?" respectively, and Gary's classic "meow" would become "Fenōji-umfa-ñoojay-leefee-uhmhat-zhaggọt-phutta-gung."

## Merchandise

The SpongeBob Nativity Scene. Available at Target.

The producers of the show have currently made it their goal to create SpongeBob-themed versions of every single thing in existance. This trend started with SpongeBob-themed clothing, including pajamas, shirts, hats, socks, bras, thongs, gloves, turbans, saris, and parachute pants. SpongeBob versions of classic games ranging from chess and Monopoly to SpongeBob-themed black jack, Russian Roulette, and strip poker were also created. As SpongeBob's popularity grew, cereals, video games, toys, bicycles, and even college textbooks featuring SpongeBob characters were created. However, to this day, the best selling SpongeBob novelty item is the SpongeBible due to the popularity of stories such as Plankton's Ark and the crucifixion of Patrick.

## Footnotes

1. or maybe it's a cat, or a meowing snail, or a blue cat with a shell, or...
2. After all, Squidward lives in a head.
3. For more information on Used Napkin's successful music career, see his biography on Spongepedia, the free encyclopedia.

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SpongeBob SquarePants is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.

 Poo Lit Surprise-Winning Article This article was chosen as the Best Rewrite in the September-October 2011 Poo Lit Surprise writing competition.