“The moment I riced up my Honda Civic, I turned gay.”
“It's not a spoiler if everyone already knows.”
“Spoiler Man, oooh.”
“Itachi dies in in Chapter 394.”
“Everyone who watched this fucking movie knows that I AM Abigail's sister. But at least nobody cares.”
“Lisa tore me apart!”
“MARTY DIES, HENRY WAS WORKING FOR THE FBI AND DIES, DEREK KILLED MY DAD, THE LATTER OWED A BIG DEBT TO BRUNO, AND JOE AND I KILLED TOMMY ANGELO!”
“There is a lot of bold in this article.”
“We never reached the Holy Grail. Also, it was a rabbit.”
“WE SINK JACINTO AND DOM'S WIFE DIES”
“Bruce Willis is a ghost!”
“Father died when Mother set off the bombs at Persephone.”
“Mutt Williams is Dr. Jones' dad!”
“You are probably gay.”
“Samus Aran is a woman.”
Since the beginning of time when man told his first story, there have been people who wanted to tell others the best part of those stories so they could see the look on the other people's disappointed faces. These revelations have been come to known as spoilers and will continue to exist until such time when God decides to strike them down for ruining the Netflix he rented.
A Spoiler Tells an Event in a Story Before a Reader Reads ItSpoilers like the retarded dude kills some other dude at the end of Slingblade are events in a story that are revealed to someone (Jesus dies and comes back) before they have read/seen/experienced (The Resonator doesn't work, you never see the driver of the Peterbilt 281 tanker truck) that event (Clarisse gets hit by a car and dies in Fahrenheit 451). They are found in many things including books (Boxer gets shipped off to the glue factory in Animal Farm; Moby Dick sinks the ship and kills everyone except the narrator; Doon and Lina escape from Ember and drop the Instructions to the rest of the city), video games (Megaman.EXE is actually your dead baby brother; The Precursors are three osttels), comic books (Captain America gets shot in the shoulder and three times in the chest), television (the button in the hatch really does have to be pushed, Christine is Virginia's mother), movies (Mr. Orange is a cop in Reservoir Dogs), and Uncyclopedia articles (You'll learn that Sephiroth kills Aeris in Final Fantasy VII in this article; the section called "sex" in this article only contains the sentence "One word: Orgasm"). Of course a spoiler needs to be unknown to have an effect (at the end of Sixth Sense you find out that Bruce Willis' character is a ghost; it's all a video tape in Saw 2-his son is in the safe). Sometimes the title (James killed Mary in Silent Hill 2) itself is a spoiler (In The Breakup Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn break up; in Debbie Does Dallas, Debbie does Dallas). However, the (Anna dies in a car crash and Kate's leukemia goes into remission; Ra's al Ghul is a title rather than a specific person) title may not be a spoiler, or it may be misleading (Snakes on a Plane is actually about snakes in a plane). For example: You play as Raiden for the whole of Metal Gear Solid 2 even though the name implies that Solid Snake would be the main protagonist.
Famous Spoilers (Such as Snape Killing Dumbledore)
There are many famous spoilers (The antagonist of Diehard 3 is the brother of the terrorist from the first movie, but they're really planning to steal America's gold deposits, but they're really planning to destroy the gold, but they're really planning to flee with the gold to Canada) in society (Peter Petrelli is the exploding man; Sephiroth Kills Aeris in Final Fantasy VII; it was Earth all along in Planet of the Apes; Stewie killing Lois was all just a simulation; Rose returns in Series 4). One of the most famous ones of all time (it's in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) is Snape Kills Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and of course Darth Vader saying "I AM YOUR FATHER" to Luke in the Empire Strikes Back. This started a spur of websites dedicated to it (mostly YTMNDs), most of them being YTMNDs. Famous spoilers are not actually spoilers seeing as everyone knows them (Will Turner becomes the captain of the Flying Dutchman; R.A.B is Regulus Black, not to be confused with the Foot of Regulus; Gears of War has no plot.) unless you didn't know them in which case you'd be pissed by the knowledge that Verbal Kint is Kaiser Sosse, or if you're a gamer, something like Ghaleon is The Magic Emperor. Then again, obscure spoilers (Harry Osborn finds out Spider-Man didn't kill his father then goes to save Peter Parker from the Sandman and Venom, but Venom kills Harry in the end) probably will have no impact on the person (Bellatrix kills Sirius) hearing it whatsoever (Charlie dies in the Looking Glass station after telling Desmond that it's Not Penny's Boat; Booster actually hooks up with Valentina after you defeat her).
Recursion in Spoilers (mostly deaths and betrayal)
Most spoilers nowadays seem to be about (Sylar kills his mother which causes him to go insane, paint New York going nuclear with his mother's blood, and decide to blow up the city for some inexplicable reason) death (Maxim killed Rebecca in Rebecca) and betrayal (Winston betrays Julia when tortured with rats; Long John Silver betrays Jim for gold at the end) though occasionally (Miyo Takano — the nurse — has been operating Oyashiro-sama’s curse since the beginning because she became obsessed with her adoptive grandfather’s research and made a pact to continue it and she also single-handedly kills Tomitake-san, who she's been having sex with) they relate to certain characters (Palpatine is Darth Sidious) having secret identities (Anakin is Darth Vader). They can also relate to relatively mundane and ordinary things (Rebecca quits her job at Hotel Babylon and recommends Charlie for the position) such as employment (Chase gets fired from House's team). Then there are some that don't fit into any category (Captain Aizen was pulling the strings of Soul Society all along, Mrs Coulter is Lyra's mother; Charlotte was born on the Island; Pegnose Pete shows up again near the end, but the Ultimate Insult destroys his ego and he flees; In the Trauma Center series, Dr. Blackwell is Nurse Angie's father, Sige is actually talking whenever Dr. Tulba's eyes are red, Dr. Vaughn created Stigma, and Rosalia is CR-SO1's sister and the disease is her true self) that we actually care about typing (All six seasons of St. Elsewhere were imagined by an autistic boy looking into a snow globe, George shoots Lenny; JD doesn't kiss Elliot after the cliffanger).
When a death (Charlie kills Ethan; King Leonidas dies at the end of 300; Vaughn dies in Alias 5x01, Van Helsing turns into a werewolf and kills Anna Valerious which wasn't really difficult given the fact that she was too weak to kill a fly; the Blue Spy is killed by the Blue Soldier.) or deaths (In The last 10 minutes of Six Feet Under's finale everyone dies; Harry Potter kills Voldemort; Carapar is destroyed by Tren Krom; Captain Jack Harkness can't die because of Rose) happens (Trinity dies in The Matrix Revolutions; Aslan dies then comes back to life and kills the White Witch) in a story (Jean Grey kills Cyclops and Xavier), usually (Future Nathan is really Sylar, who killed the real Nathan then took his power) the main character (Adam Stanton kills Willie Stark) will have to avenge them (Romeo kills Tybalt because Tybalt killed Mercutio; Ed dies, then Al sacrifices himself to bring Ed back, who then sacrifices himself to give Al his original body). Unless it is the main character (V dies at the end of V for Vendetta) themselves (Leslie Burke falls into the river and drowns), in which case, it takes the entire rest of the cast (Barbossa comes back from Hell in Pirates of the Caribbean 2) to save them (David Palmer, Michelle Dessler, and Tony Almeida die in the first 15 minutes of the 1st episode of Season 5 of 24). Sometimes (Eliwood kills Ninian in Fire Emblem) in video games (Zelda sacrifices herself to save Midna; Eli Vance is killed by a Combine Advisor; The villain behind SSBB's Subspace Emissary is a guy named Tabuu who kills all the characters in one attack) and movies (Ammon Jerro kills Shandra Jerro) a lot of people (Hedwig, Moody, Scrimgeour, Tonks' dad, Dobby, Snape [who was good], Fred, Lupin, Tonks and Colin Creevey are killed in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry kills Voldemort, marries Ginny and has three kids) will be killed (Manfred von Karma killed Edgeworth's father, the crazy old woman is actually Lucy Barker, Sweeney kills her, not realizing who she is then kills Mrs. Lovett for not telling him she was alive then Toby kills Sweeney for killing Mrs. Lovett whom he loved; Parallel Donna kills herself to revert time back to normal, but then real Donna's brain almost explodes, so the Doctor erases her memory, hypothetically killing her) a lot of times (Mace Windu is killed by Anakin and thrown out of a window in Revenge of the Sith; Qui-gon Jin is killed by Darth Maul in the Phantom Menace; George Lucas killed Star Wars; Sam kills Megatron with the AllSpark,Shing kills Mark at the climax of "A Better Tomorrow", Rachel gets killed by the Yeerks in the last book; Eddie, Jake[saving Stephen King from getting run over], Oy, Sheemie, and Pere Callahan die, as do Mia, Mordred Deschain and Walter/Flagg - in fact, Mordred kills Flagg - , Susannah goes through a door to New York where Eddie and Jake exist again, and the kid from Insomnia erases the Crimson King from existence, leaving Roland to climb to the top of The Dark Tower where he magically starts back in the desert from book 1; Venom stabs Harry Osborn with Harry's own glider in Spider-Man 3;The MC dies at the end of Persona 3 Wander turns into a demon and is killed in Shadow of the Colossus; Blackadder dies at the end of every series except the third one) even when you think they wouldn't (in The Departed, Sullivan kills Costello, then is caught by Costigan, who gets killed by Barrigan, who then kills Brown, and then gets killed by Sullivan, who then gets killed by Dignam), leading to sad endings (Matoro bursts into light when he puts on the Mask of Life, bringing Mata Nui back from the dead; L dies when Light coerces Rem into writing L's name in his Death Note; Vito Scaletta and Joe Barbaro blasts Tommy Angelo to death with a sawn-off shotgun in Mafia, as well as Subject Delta getting killed after Sofia Lamb sets off explosive charges while Delta and Eleanor Lamb are trying to escape.) in the story (The Third Hokage dies, as does Asuma; Thelma and Louise drive themselves off a cliff; Travis shoots Old Yeller because he has rabies; Black Sarge dies; the Salesman Dies; Tony is shot by Chino and dies in Maria's arms; Sasuke kills Deidara by driving him to blow himself up in an attempt to kill Sasuke and Pein kills Jiraiya; Lelouch's Geass goes out of control and he accidentally tells Euphemia to kill the Japanese and then kills her when she does; The Cloverfield monster is still alive; Omega Supreme sacrifices himself to shut down Megatron's space bridge; Tosh is shot by Grey and dies about a minute after Owen disintegrates in a room filled with nuclear radiation), but sometimes end with a bit of justice (Light, having been wounded by Matsuda, is finished off when Ryuk writes his name in the Death Note; Ishmael harpoons Count Olaf in the thirteenth book of A Series of Unfortunate Events; Jack kills Andrew Ryan with a golf club in the Rapture Central Control level of Bioshock, as well as Subject Delta being mortally wounded in the sequel).
Secret identities (reveal two characters as being the same person)
Often, characters are revealed (Samuel L Jackson/Mr Glass turns out to be the villain and the one who caused the train wreck and other disasters; Professor YANA/Mister Saxon is the Master) as having (Rand al'Thor is the Dragon Reborn; the player character is Bhaal's son and Sarevok's brother) secret identities (Zuko is the Blue Spirit; the Scout was the Spy; Claus is the Pig Army Commander; Al Mualim was a Templar; Godot is Mia's old mentor; The Man in the Black Cloak is actually Riku who looks like Ansem; The Autobots' ship is really Omega Supreme). Sometimes this involves revealing that (Mr. Boddy was the butler in the Clue movie, M was Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes) two already established (Roxas is Sora's nobody) characters (Sheik is Zelda in Ocarina of Time [though Smash Bros. makes it not really a spoiler anymore]) are (Edmond Dantés is The Count of Monte Cristo; Herman Toothrot is Grandpa Marley) in fact (Archer is Shirou; Sir Leigh Teabing is 'The Teacher') the same (the narrator is Tyler Durden) person (Magus was Janus in Chrono Trigger), or revealing (Brendan is Baltimore) that (Mayor Madeline is Jean Valjean) a (Shadow Mario is actually Bowser Jr. in Super Mario Sunshine; ROB is the Ancient Minister) familiar (Jean Grey is Phoenix) character (Tetra is Zelda in The Wind Waker) has (Iris is Pearl's Sister) a secret (and the talking boat is the King of Hyrule; Sovereign is a Reaper) persona (Nel is the third Espada) of which (Vanguard is actually a giant ship) little has (Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze) been disclosed (Racer X is actually Speed's brother), or sometimes (Kratos Aurion is Lloyd Irving's father) it has (Fry is Lars; Ocelot is Adam, and the Boss's son) something to do with your (The elder was actually Dark Gaia the whole time) character's amnesia (Walter Sparrow is Topsy Kretts and Fingerling; You are Darth Revan; Zelgius is the Black Knight). And nearly (Master was killed by Liquid Snake who had been manipulating Solid Snake throughout the whole mission) everyone (It's not Penny's Boat) in any Robert Jordan book (Nightmare Moon is Princess Luna) is someone else. Sometimes (Teddy is actually a John G. and therefor is killed by Leonard) the (Luke is a replica) spoiler (Fon Master Ion too) is so (Black and White are the same person writing about Blue watching them in 'Ghosts' ) shocking (Fallon is Borden's clone and Angier is Lord Caldlow, and he dies at the end) that the viewer (Gus and Charlie both die and Josie is really the Wyoming widow) literally (Mithos is actually Yggdrasill) shits his/her pants (Alma is Mr. Wade's daughter; The supposedly dead guy on the ground in Saw is alive and is Jigsaw also known as John Kramer- the cancerous old guy in the hospital; Norman Bates is actually his own mom with a split personality disorder [him, not his mom]; Jason Statham is the mole, but his partner never died, he just became Jet Li in War; Alicia is a Valkyria; Turaga Dume is Makuta Teridax; the past version of Opal Koboi turns out to be the one running the Extinctionists; Takezo Kensei is Adam Monroe; Abigail Gregory is actually Sally Shine's sister in the Tower of Terror.)
Betrayals (Gendo betrays Shinji regularly and Shinji never learns to expect it; Hunter was working for Croup and Vandemar who were working for Islington) usually involve (Dormin is actually a Dark God and was using you to free the Shadow Spirits inside the Colossi which were actually pieces of himself so he could regain power and destroy the world)the character having to (SKX survives the gunshot and saves Ethan from Dorland, who is actually a member of the Oro) fight the other character (Wolverine kills Phoenix; GLaDOS tries to kill you.). After a period of time, though,they may rejoin the main character much later (Your party rejoins you after you fight them in Paper Mario 2; Mossman stops Breen from sending Eli and Alyx through the portal in Half-Life 2), but not always if you choose another character over them. Sometimes somebody betrays someone (Tess of the d'Urbervilles murders Alec and is hanged) in order to gain something from someone else (Revolver Ocelot is always a double agent; Al Mualim sent you to kill the nine other Templars in order to keep the Piece of Eden for himself). The following are additional betrayal spoilers: You already know some of these spoilers if you were reading earlier; Alex sets up your party so he can take the Golden Sun; Ingram betrays the SRX team; Anakin betrays the Jedi order; Rorschach is killed by Dr. Manhattan; Darth Vader betrays the Emperor; Rosh joins Tavion and you can either kill him or save him; Ryder and Big Smoke betray you for money; Atlas reveals himself to be Frank Fontaine and betrays you after you beat Andrew Ryan to death with a putter; the cake is NOT a lie and the Companion Cube is waiting for you at the party; Kyle quits the band; Shinji's
buttbuddy is the final angel; Ozymandias killed the Comedian and sent a giant monster to destroy New York City; Takadox betrays Brutaka's group on their search for Misirex by trapping them in a cave; Michael shoots Ana Lucia and Libby and then shoots himself in the shoulder after freeing Ben; Louie tries to kill Olimar for leaving him on Earth; Hawkin betrays Merriman because Merriman betrayed him because he knew he would betray him in the future; and Mia's actually a cop.
Spoilers which are only spoilers to people who do not care about the spoiler (get it?)
Finally, there's the spoiler everyone who wants to know knows about (Ovan is Tri-Edge), like Italy won the 2006 Football World Cup and Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France. These spoilers (Orson, Booker, and Sheldon watch a cartoon about themselves in the final U.S. Acres strip) are known to (The Beatles break up in 1969) be quite lame. Almost all of the time (Starbuck, Tyrol, Tigh, Foster, and Anders the Final Five Cylons) these are in reference to some obscure anime or videogame.
Oh, and Oswald kills Kennedy... or does he?
These are spoilers that you think that will happen, but don't (Dahlia saves Cecilia by sacrificing her own life). These tend to be the plot twist (Stan and his hockey team lose the big game; Lightning McQueen loses the race; they lose in Bad News Bears), the oxymoron, or common sense. Some examples include: To Kill a Mocking Bird doesn't teach you anything about how to kill a mocking bird, but does teach you not to judge someone by the color of their skin and In the end, you have multiracial friends with Sweet being the only friend you got from the start.
Spoilers that are really not spoilers
There are many spoilers (you are reading an Uncyclopedia Article about Spoilers) that are not spoilers because you can often easily predict what will happen like Neo will save the world in Matrix or the Ice-Truck killer is actually Dexter's brother and Deb's new boyfriend Rudy - the doctor who is trying to pick the right limbs for Tony Tucci in Dexter or that annoying recurring character in Monk Kevin Dorfman gets murdered.
In a rather bizarre two episodes in the fourth series of the Doctor Who revival, an infuriatingly smug woman called Professor River Song (sounds like her parents, who turn out to be Amy Pond and Rory Williams, didn't love her) who was under the delusion she knew the Doctor in the future turned up and began dropping ominous hints about the Doctor's future whilst she, the Doctor and some extras ran around a library trying to avoid a walking spacesuit. Whenever the Doctor asked what the hell the bloody madwoman was on about she said "Spoilers" in a manner that made the viewer want to strangle her and indeed Russel T Davies. Fortunately the bitch was incinerated in an electric chair at the climax of the episode.
Most horrible example thereof:
Prof. River Song: [Playfully flirtatious] Spoilers.
Despite being the biggest bestseller ever written (after Harry Potter), nobody actually reads The Bible and as a result one of the lesser known spoilers is "And lo the Messiah shall cast the Great Beast and His False Prophet into a lake of fire."
Biggest spoiler ever!
It's boring. Those who've had it just pretend it's great as it gives them a feeling of superiority.
This is the end of the article, there is no cure for autism, AIDS, or Lou Gehrig's Disease, Rosebud was a sled and the Titanic sank. Finally, you die at the end of your life.