Split (city)

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Split (city).

Split was founded ages before first episode of Dynasty was filmed, and as the name says it was the centre of astronautics long before first Sony play station console was developed. It's founder Diocletian, Roman part time emperor was planning to build his country house where he could spend his weekends without concerning himself with things like: starvation of Antarctic troops, lack of water for his cabbages, or invasion of barbarian hordes on his beloved Christian friends living along the border...

Why here

Although his city Salona was his favorite place, Avars couldn't tolerate incompetent post-office workers, crab smugglers and semi-literate rednecks in the neighbourhood, so it didn't come as a surprise when a modified Borg cube that 2 years ago stranded somewhere in Bosnia appeared on horizon, repainted and ready to strike the impotents! This act of destruction just enlarged Split (Spalato) as population decided to move in the only house in town. We repeat - "The rumor about hidden wine cellars in Diocletian's place had nothing to do with this strange migration" - as was then stated by "Roman World Weekly" magazine.

Bright future

Tourism

Croatian tour guide for foreigners, clearly displaying hospitality and kindness Split folk tend to display


Years passed and Split along with Croatia (that green spot on the right from Italy that calls itself a country) was conquered more than dozen times and finally emerged as independentorious under the rule of great Serbia (another green spot, a little more to the right, and a little bit bigger than the last one, but getting smaller every year). There it was proudly exploited until the war for independence where it was crippled (apparently it's tourism, economy, politics, people,alcohol industry, and donkey population suffered). Therefore the next president decided to move in a few donkeys to improve the morale of Split's citizens...

Ethnic problems

Today this city counts around 300 000 people inside the town and suburbian areas, 350 000 during elections, and 400 000 during summer holydays (gubmint) denies the third number - but even tourists wonder why). Its population is consisted of these people:

  • 99% regular pot smokers ili travari
  • 51% peasants [A.K.A. VLAJI]
  • 48% fetivi Splićani wannabes [consists mostly of peasants and hybrids of peasants and other groups]
  • 1% fetivi Splićani
  • 54% bosnians
  • 25% regular drunks
  • 20% illegal workers
  • 14% legal workers
  • 12% casual cocaine consumers
  • 11% corrupted politicians
  • 9% politicians
  • 5% whores
  • the remaining 0% are either kitten-induced illusions or just here to educate themselves
  • FETIVI is the name of the group of people whose ancestors were living in Split for generations
  • VLAJI is the largest group populating Croatia, especially present in coastal cities like Split

The most beautiful city in the world

This is another name for Split. It's own citizens have named it that way and no matter what you do or what you say DON'T argue about this. You'll lose, and you'll have your head broken. Bad things about Split can say only person that lives in it.

Wanna experience the city?

If you want to risk it all and see Split, at the airport be sure to take this cheap Split airport taxi service. They won't rip you off exaggeratedly. Also when they propose a place to sleep be sure to go to this Split rentals so that I can earn couple of beers on you. I must earn my pot money somehow.

See Also


Split firefighter top

"This article or section should be split into
Banana and split,
because that will make it easier to surround
the enemy, or something like that."
            ~ Sun-Tzu

Split firefighter bottom

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