Spyder-Man

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“Hang on a minute. That's bollocks! Does he eat flies? No. Does he get eaten by his female mate after having sex? No. I don't think they thought it through, have they?”
~ Oscar Wilde

Spyder-Man is a man who happens to be a spy, and also has spider tendencies. His physical features are mainly human; however, he has the bizarre ability to create an icky-sticky web out of a white substance that nobody knows the name of. Spyder-Man also has the ability to lay eggs: he does this during the day, which explains what the hell Peter Parker does with his free time. Though he is supposed to be a professional photographer, and carries a valid up-to-date international press card, very few of his photographs are ever printed or entered for awards, and the few that have been seen are out of focus, with people’s heads cut off.

He's known for his role in creating the AK-47.

The Origin of Spyder-Man

On November 22, 1963, the painfully shy “geeknerd” Peter Parker was having an ordinary day, sipping soda pop and stammering at pretty girls, when he was suddenly munched on by a rare exotic spider at the Cincinnati Spider Sanctuary, where he was attending a comics convention. (“Isn’t that ironic?” commented Alanis Morrissette.) The bug would have taken off his whole left arm, and perhaps gobbled up his appendix, if he hadn’t brained it with a nearby fire extinguisher in a dimly lit corridor. Parker’s cardiovascular system absorbed 7.35g of exotic poison, which shampoo scientists have since broken down as: 2g unknown proteins, 2g funny carbohydrates, 1g Viagra, and 2.35g pure spider semen. All this weird stuff made Parker feel nauseous for a while, and he thought for a few minutes that he had swine flu or was turning into Gordon Brown. But he wasn’t: he was turning into Spyder-Man. He became much stronger, cobwebbier and even nerdier. He could now beat up his three-year-old niece in revenge for all those wedgies, bags of ice down the pants, and forced oral sex.

Like a teenage girl about to go to the prom, Parker was then seized by a thorny problem: what should he wear? If he was going to swing around skyscrapers with icky goo shooting out of his palms, that would look mighty strange in a tuxedo or a pair of pyjamas, or a rugby shirt or a suit of armour, or a poncho-and-sombrero combo. He could not decide on a proper costume, until one night when he was watching What Not To Wear with his parents and laughed so hard that he peed just a little bit.

Dressed in a patriotic red, white and blue suit from Gap, hastily customized with a picture of (get this) a spider on the back, Spyder-Man made his live debut at the 2003 Academy Award ceremony, where Matt Damon saw him, screamed and ran to the little boys’ room. Spyder-Man later gave out Special Spydey Awards to famous people whose names sounded a little bit like bugs – Stephen Fly, Faye Dungbeetleaway, Termite Hatcher, Linus Roache, Ant (of Ant and Dec), Tony Barrell and Jeff Goldblum.

Howdoishotweb

Like 14 million kids in the US of A, Spyder-Man has "literacy issues".

Super-Powers

According to legend, Spyder-Man can do anything a spider can. This includes climbing walls, scaring women, spinning webs, turning up in people’s bathtubs, and getting squashed by giant shoes. He has the proportional strength of a big hairy spider, which means he can drive big trucks and beat fat blokes in fights. He struggles to beat the Kingpin, due to the Kingpin being bitten by a radioactive KFC bucket.

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Spyder-Man gets all the bitches!.

Super-Enemies

Spydey has made many enemies among the technologically super-augmented villains of the big wide world. They hate him because he has no decent plans for world domination, his costume is even sillier than theirs, and because they hate spiders like everybody else.

  • Doctor Octopus - Not strictly super, but definitely quite villainous. Doc Ock, as his friends and lovers call him, has really bad eyesight requiring hideous spectacles, a really stupid bowl-cut making him look like a moron, and eight crotch-grabbing arms. The arms are mechanical and gammatronic, designed and built by Doc Ock himself, a brilliant scientist and sometime undersea physicist, and powered by 2 AAA batteries. The good doctor likes nothing better than to grab Spyder-Man with two of them while the other six swung into his face. He also makes pretty amazing crop circles.His secondary attack is shouting " DOCTOROCTOGONOPUS!" and then firing a Lazer at his enemies.If you listen closely,you can hear him shouting "BWAAAAAAA!!!!" while firing his Lazer.


  • The Green Gobbler - GG is Halloween-fixated, probably as a result of some childhood fright on October 31, and has drunk enough vodka ‘n' Irn Bru to give him super-strength and regenerative abilities. Being another brilliant scientist, he built himself the "Gobbling Glider", which didn't gobble and didn't glide. The Gobbling Glider was a wayward machine shaped like a bat, but jet-powered, and it raised the Green Goblin to undreamt-of jet-propelled heights. GG killed Spydey's main squeeze, Gwen Stacey. In revene, Spydey engineered an “accident” for GG that led to his name being changed to Gary Glitter. Nobody comes near him now.
  • Sandman - Sandman's power, such as it is, derives from being made of sand. He originates from a heap of builder’s sand in Hornchurch, Britain, and was once used to help pave Nelson Mandela’s garden for a special edition of Ground Force on British television. Sadly, when it rains, Sandman becomes mud, and when it doesn't, a stiff broom is usually all it takes to see him off.
  • Lord Mandelson – Boasting the ability to keep turning up like a bad penny, Machiavellian “Mandy” can kill with a single skull-like grimace, which is why Spydey always looks away quickly when he sees him. Mandy’s alter ego is Fu Mandelchu, who looks just like him but has a fake moustache and eats Chinese takeaways laced with guacamole. He spends most of his time dabbling in politics in Britain and being gay.
  • Aunt May - Aunt May is Peter's aunt, a woman called May who, with her husband Ben, raised him as a child. Peter was responsible for Ben's death at the hands of either the Sandman or someone else, who can tell? In her fury, Aunt May flagellated Peter’s (and thus Spyder-Man's) tender ass. Peter fled, but returned to sodomise Aunt May with a soda bottle. She has "control" problems. Fortunately for Peter, these are bladder-control problems.
  • Venom - Venom, previously known as Eric Forman is a photographer for the Good Morning New York Special News Magazine Inquirer. After Petey had taken several pictures of Eric fucking the Sandman, he wanted to get back at Spydey. During a very gruesome Talos mass at the local church, Peter had taken off his supah suit and threw it at, now known as, Venom. He had big teeth used for chomping steak, and is now a food chewer for elders at his local steakhouse in Montreal.

Spyder-Man's Women

Shotweb

Teach yourself Spydey.

Spyder-Man couldn't bag a chicken in his early years, but after the spider-bite incident he bulked up and became a little less weedy (but only when wearing his spider suit, strangely). Add to that the money he was bringing in ($24 a week from his paper round, and $4,000 from drug-dealing), and he became a much more attractive proposition to pretty girls and eventually began dating a few of them, and marrying one: Mary Jane Watson, who refers to him as "Tiger" because she's not very zoologically aware. Mary Jane was a major cum-swallowing slut and hotter than the bonnet of a black Mercedes in Dubai. As Peter continuously dated MJ, it was discovered that Peter had an additional power of giving cancer to anyone he has sex with. I mean, the guy's DNA is radioactive... what else did he expect? After much chemotherapy, eventually Peter fathered a baby with her. It has yet to be seen if the child will inherit his super-powers, or will simply have eight fucking legs.

Before smooching with Mary Jane, Peter dated the ill-fated Gwen Stacey, daughter of the pig from the movie Babe. Gwen was blonde, but still trimmed her pubic hair into the shape of a spider’s web. Peter met Gwen at the newspaper he worked at (remember that place?) and was soon happily poking away at her until the Green Gobbler tossed her off a bridge, leaving Spydey free to date MJ or the Black Pussy.

The Black Pussy was the super-ish antihero persona of Fellatio Hardy. She and Spyder-Man had a fling on a swing and considered setting up house together, but the obstacles were insuperable. Cats eat spiders, which can be nice or fatal. The real problem they faced was, what would their children look like? Hairy with eight legs and nine lives? Also, her whiskers were way too ticklish.

Peter is the nerdiest nerd in the geeky geek-nerd nerdy alliance in the geeky name of nerdiness, in Geek Avenue, Nerdsville. However, he still gets chicks. (There's hope, my fellow nerds! There's Hope!)

Fuckingpothead

Self-pity... and why not? It's raining, Aunt May's horny and everybody hates me.

Stage and Screen

Spiderman 010

Spyder-Man, with his son Arachnoboy.

Spyder-Man appeared as an incongruous guest star in the TV cartoon series Wait Till Your Father Comes Home (WTYFCH), in 1582. It was later discovered that the appearance was an accident: two studio animators, Jeff Vomit and Trixie Puke, had been working side by side – Vomit on WTYFCH and Puke on Spyder-Man, and their drawings had become hopelessly mixed up during a heavy petting session. Vomit and Puke later married and became the double-barreled Vomit-Pukes. When the Spyder-Man episode was screened, it was followed by a half-hearted apology from the network. However, 42 people and a rooster phoned to say they liked the unexpected webby guy in the weird costume better than the other, more infantile cartoons in the show.

Spyder-Man later acquired his own cartoon series, The Flintstones, in which he played a little blond caveguy called Barney Rubble, whose secret alter ego was Tyrannosaurus Rexman and was having a torrid affair with his neighbor Wilma.

Spyder-Man has been portrayed by Toby Keif in the recent film series Spyder-Man 1, 2, and 3. The film series has been criticized for containing too little sex among the violence. While some admire Keif's nerve in playing the world's favorite superhero as a geek, most people vomit at the sight of him. Similarly, Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the super-hot, brash and confident Mary Jane as a timid, bland, retiring loser with pudgy thighs was not well received. How hard can it be to find a beautiful redhead in Hollywood? Spyder-Man 3 was particularly notorious for the scene where alien venom mysteriously transforms him into a jazz club attending lesbian.

Newspiderman

Spiderman goes through puberty

It is rumored that in the upcoming Spyder-Man 4, Spyder-Man's old foe, Lord Mandelson, will be played by either Catherine Zeta-Jones or her wizened spouse, Kirk Douglas. At the moment it is anyone's guess which half of the legendary Hollywood couple will snatch the role, and what they will do with it.

The Death of Spyder-Man

Gassed

Another Spydey bites the dust.

Spyder-Man has died several times, but never very severely. Fortunately, he gets two extra lives every now and then while fighting venom. The closest he ever came to permanent death was whilst attempting to impregnate Spider-Woman. Female spiders bite the heads off their mates after impregnation – but Spydey had already shot his web fluid several times that day and was unable to empty his egg-sac, thus saving his head.

See also

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