Speed of magic

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
A truck traveling in -001.$
“I like going fast.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The speed of magic
“I wanna outrace the speed of magic.”
~ Marilyn Manson on The speed of magic
“Do as thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law.”
~ Aleister Crowley on The speed of magic
“Yeh i got a 0.5 cast rate for shadow priest magic”
~ World of Warcraft n00B on The speed of magic

The speed of magic is the speed at which magic travels and can only by achieved by wizardry or by driving in reverse when playing the PC game Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

edit The speed of magic defined

As of 2007, the scientific community has discovered the speed of magic to the most accurate point possible using Uranium and plutonium half- lives. 1.000002x(1031.34) miles per hour Is thus the newly discovered speed of magical power. This speed is notable in that it has two exceptions. The wizard on Super Mario casts very slow magic, the pixel frames moving across the black and white Sylvania screen at about 5 miles per hour. Bowser refuses to comment on whether he has achieved nuclear fusion or how he may have pulled this off, but he has indicated that in a 2-D area, magic obeys different rules. Then he normally chuckles and tells people they will die. The legend of King Arthur placed magic at roughly 1x(1028) miles per hour. This owes to the fact that, at the time, science was relatively new, and they were frequently using meade and infected by ergot at the time of experiments. (This also led to several incidents in which alchemists blew things up and caused events that led the populous to think that dragons were attacking. For one example, A burst of fire that sent up a small plume of smoke in 1423 in Camelot caused a riot that burned the rest of the city to the ground, destroying all. The sword of the stone was not actually put in a lake, but the man holding it dove in to keep away from the flames. He drowned, as he was in full body armor.)

edit Distortion of time and space

When a magical particle or a semi-trailer reaches -001.$ it will cease to exist in normal time and space and will instantly travel to the compact darkness of the North Pole and will never be able to slow down again. This was proven by Einstein when, while drunk on peppermint schnapps and tired of banging his cousin, he started to jog in the rain, and noted that he was going very fast and seemed to be entering a purple swirling vortex. The next day he also theorized that the brain has nerves, due to his hangover. His first theory, that magic travels wicked fast and doesn't stop or get downed by gravity, was immediately adopted by the Raelian church in Paris. His second theory never left the house, as his wife instructed their moderately stupid child and the guests that were there at the time.

edit Discovery

The speed of magic was discovered and defined by the french witch Olympe Maxime when she measured the amount of time that passed from that she flicked her wand to when the channel on her TV changed. She was bored and the remote had run out of batteries. This was long before Einstein, but shortly after Abrahamellin and Merlin reigned as the head mages. How she managed to get a television in the 16oo's hasn't been discovered, but some say she ot stuck in the woodshed and had a small metal box, some wire, and a glass tube for divining the future, and got bored of masturbating into the tube.

She kept notes of her discovery on her MacBook laptop which was later stolen by russian computer game designer Nikola Tesla. He then used the notes as basis when programing the immensely successful game Big Rigs (additional programing was "borrowed" from patients of Bedlam mental institution and Satan.) This story is validated by scripts on her grave, which resemble calligraphy. The Rosetta stone's missing fragment also has been told to have once been istructions on how to make a TV, and so it is possible that, like in modern times, the television caused all of its users to get heavy and die of heart disease, and so was lost to the ages. This is called self- defeat.

edit Real trucks?

In 2006 scientists conducted an experiment trying to reach -001.$ with a regular Volvo semi-trailer truck. They only reached 85 mph before tragically running over child actress Dakota Fanning. The experiment is generally considered a great success. Then they accidentally splashed Oprah Winfrey with one drop of mud while driving by while drunk. As the story goes, they now have no legs and live in Zimbabwe, and travel around as the "Amazing legless people" to delight crowds of up to twenty people at a time. In the savannah, this is a large scale achievement.

Personal tools