Special Air Service
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The Special Air Service or SAS is a corps of the British Army constituted on 31 May 1950. They are all the Army's elite broadcasting regiment, called out when ever the army needs to look good on the telly, hence air service - on air. Not to be mistaken for the Scandinavian Airline Systems (SAS) who are a bunch of hardened men, unlike the SAS(although some of them also work there)or the slovakian airconditioning systems (SAS). Ross Kemp has been the Emperor in Chief of the SAS since 1635 and during the documentary, 'Ultimate Force', Emperor Kemp allowed a film crew to follow him around on his daily chores. The crew found they were sterile after the documentary had been completed, this is due to the Gamma radiation emitted by Ross Kemp's crotch. Emperor Kemp has a trademark battlecry; "Shut it you slag", which causes the radiation to temporarily become 1000x stronger, which is roughly enough to sterilise 3 quarters of China.
SAS always win unless the kettle's on, then its time for that long awaited cup of tea.
The SAS base is near Hereford, England. The base comprises barracks, The killing House(used for Close-Quarter-Battles as well as slaughtering chickens for KFC), Headquarters and a Tesco. The headquarters building is nicknamed 'The Kremlin' because that's where the Israeli spies work.
- Sir Alan Sugar (and his evil henchmen, Nick and Mags), the SAS president notible for his plots to bring back woolworths as part of his evil empire. There are talks about him replacing the photo booths with Circumsision booths but they are not confirmed 100%.
- Andy McN00b - Andy McN00b who is of Greek descent was raised by foster English Cockney parents. He was involved in suicidal missions such as Bravo Two Zero, Alpha One Negative-One and Omega π (5 + 2i). All these suicidal missions were considered to be a failure considering that Andy McN00b never committed suicide in the end. After the SAS, Andy McN00b compiled all of his blogs which nobody ever read and turned it into a book. He then became a novelist, selling award winning titles such as "Crisis Fantastic Four", "Where's the Remote Control?", "My Porn blocked due to FireWall" and "Sergeant Potter and The Regiment's Stone". It is widely believed that Andy McN00b`s real parents are Zeus and George Michael. It is also important to note that the name Andy McN00b is a pseudonym in order to hide his real identity, and that his real name is Ahmad Mal-Najib, hinting that either his foster parents or biological parents may have Middle Eastern heritage.
- Ken Connor - SAS Soldier who self-proclaims to be the longest serving solder in the Regiment, with an experience of 230 years in 4 different theaters of war, pointing out Broadway as the highlight of his sordid career. Unlike Andy McN00b, Ken Connor doesn't use a pseudonym when publishing his book about the history of the SAS, where he stars in almost every scene in the book that he wrote entitled "Ghost Force". The pictures of himself in the book do not have a black bar covering his eyes nor does he make any attempt to hide his face, unlike the very shy Andy McN00b. He does this in hopes of having people believe his SAS stories so people would add him on facebook and myspace. Ken Connor is critical of other SAS members, especially his former commanding officer Peter De-La-Billiard, who exploit the classified and clandestine debriefings of the SAS by publishing them in books and selling them to the public, which makes Mr. Connor a fucking hypocrite. Mr. Connor also likes to boast about his achievements in the Regiment and how his presence in the SAS made a bigger impact than the very core founders of the SAS such as David Stirling, Paddy Mayne and them lot. At the end of his book "Ghost Force", he points out that the SAS should be disbanded, since the Regiment is no longer cool, mostly due to the fact that he is no longer in it, unlike the old days when Mr. Connor the old codger was in his youth, prancing around as "The Most Feared Regiment In The World" and seducing women with his gas mask and flashbangs. He now runs an environmentalist extremist militia known as Ruadan, protecting Dolphins, monkeys, tigers, donkeys and other dickhead animals from fauna-terrorists such as the Japanese who kill Dolphins for their yummy but retarded meat.
- Robin Horsfall - Robin Horsfall's claim to fame was killing a terrorist or two during the 1980 KFC Iranian embassy siege, which lead to the publication of his book "Fighting Shit Scared" in 2002. At the age of 15, with no education and no qualifications due to the fact that he was an imbecile, Robin Horsfall joined the Army, the alternative being a very young man-whore. He then joined the Paratroopers by accident, as he was skydiving on what he thought was a holiday provided by the British Council for the poor and hopeless. After he found out that he was good enough to join the Paratroopers, he then betrayed the maroon machine to join the SAS, having heard stories of the legendary Ken Connor. He is now a martial arts instructor and self-proclaimed motivational speaker at dinner parties. His family is awesome though.
- Peter De-La-Billiard - Known to everyone in the Regiment as "the cocksucker" which became very apparent when he had to lick the clitoris of Margaret Thatcher so the Iron Lady, by her grace, would allow De-La-Billiard to unleash "Team Pagoda", an SAS Counter-Terrorist Team trained in the finest brothel in Hereford, to PAWN the asses of those Iranian N00BZ in their own stupid embassy. It was a walk in the park for Team Pagoda, a walk in the park with candy floss in their right hand and a bottle of Coca-Cola in the other, because the SAS are 1337!!! He published many sensitive information about the SAS such as the sexual orientation of every member of the SAS Regiment which lead to the Ministry of Defence banning De-La-Billiard from all MOD property, which De-La-Billiard never really gave a shit about. He just opened his own Games and Billiard Bar so that past and present members of the Regiment would gather there for reunion dinners and other happy occasions.
- Michael Asher - After leaving the Regiment and stepping out into the real world, Michael Asher the later bloomer finally realized that making money in the real world isn't that easy (Not that it was ever easy when he was in the SAS). So he did what every other SAS member did before him. Publish a book about the SAS and sell it. The only distinction about Michael Asher's SAS book is that it is not his own, he quite literally copy-n-pasted pages from Ken Connor's, Andy McN00b's, Robin Horsfall's, and many more to make a book of his. This is mainly because Michael Asher never really had anything to do while in the SAS, he was part of 23 SAS, the reserve unit to begin with, and only passed regular SAS Selection (22 SAS) when he was just about to retire.
- David Stirling - Known by many as the sole founder of the SAS, and the father of modern special forces. But this isn't true at all, he did jack shit. It was Paddy Mayne and gang who did most of the work while Stirling partied off somewhere while the rest of his comrades were fighting for their lives and country during World War II. David Stirling partied so hard he could make Paris Hilton look like a geek, and just to put things into perspective, Stirling was partying decades before the Cold War even started while Paris Hilton parties in the 21st century. That says a lot about David Stirling and his lifestyle.
- Paddy Mayne - The REAL founder of the SAS Paddy Mayne was a man who was born to battle, partly because he was a deranged psycho. He never really had a family, never had any children, and in the end died in a car crash, drunk driving in a Ferrari Formula 1 car which he stole from Michael Schumacher when Mayne was on his time travel expedition.
- Mike Mad Calvert - After WWII ended, so did the regular SAS, a vestige of it was kept as a reserve unit until one day, somewhere around the 1950s, when Mike Calvert was visiting Malaya (now known as Malaysia) to find some Malay gays he could sodomize, some Chinese Communists living in Malaya just had to disturb the peace which disturbed Mike's gay appetite, and so gave birth to the Malayan Scouts, which popped out of his shaved and bleached asshole, to fend off the Communist Terrorists. When he found out that the Malayan Scouts couldn't get commissioned because the name didn't sound like that of a battalion in the regular army, he quickly changed it to 22 SAS so they could get commissioned, and 22 SAS now serves as the regular SAS unit today, known as "The Regiment". Oh happy days... Until Mike Calvert was kicked out of the army for doing or at least attempting to do indecent things with German youths... This just so happens to be a lot closer to the truth, which means that it really has no place on Uncyclopedia. He was hard. Well hard. A number of German kids can attest to his hardness (you know what I mean?) Hopefully we are spelling this out clearly enough for you.
- Captain Price - The grandson of the other Captain Price from Call of Duty I and Call of Duty II, Captain Price from Call of Duty 4, who's call sign is Bravo 6, leads a four-man patrol which is involved in counter-insurgency, demolitions and all that other SAS stuff. Captain Price's weapon of choice is a suppressed M4 Carbine which really is the Canadian clone C8, but looks American for cosmetic purposes. Price was involved in the assassination attempt of Imran Zakhaev when he was a Lieutenant, under the command of his idol Captain MacMillan.
- Gaz - Not to be confused with Gaz who is a friend of Andy McN00b's, this other Gaz is Captain Price's (From CoD4) right hand man, and masturbating hand when Captain Price is too busy firing his suppressed M4. Gaz's weapon of choice is his G36C and his sexy beard accompanied by the mole on his face, as well as his over the top Cockney accent.
- Soap MacTavish - Possibly the best or worst SAS soldier of all time, depending on what difficulty level you use when playing as Sergeant Soap MacTavish. He always gets it rough when patrolling with Captain Price and Gaz. Little known fact about MacTavish is that he was born in the same village as Susan Boyle. He refers to the Boyles as "ugly mothasuckas with heavenly voices."
- The Wallcroft brothers - Sergeant Wallcroft, along with Private Griffin, guarded the ship deck in Operation Crew Expendable, the same mission involving Captain Price, Gaz, Sergeant Soap MacTavish and some other extra SAS guy. Sometimes his brother Private Wallcroft appears to be this other extra SAS guy.
- Anakin Skywalker - Anakin skywalker joined the SAS alliance at the young age of 8. He was raised and trained by Captain Price and is a highly skilled SAS Jedi Assassin who played a key role on the Iranian Embassy siege.
- Chris Nyan - Chris Nyan is an SAS publicity stunt who has ultra haxx.
Although the occasional nancy boy slips into the ranks (as it were), the SAS aims to primarily recruit amongst the heterosexuals in the armed forces. The reason for this is three fold. One, it is well known that you're only gay if you bat, not if you bowl. Second, the SAS has found that sexual violence is the fastest way to intimidate and subdue an unfriendly force, whether they be terrorists or Pakis. For this reason, they do not want men who might fall in love with the enemy. The purpose of buggery in the SAS is (almost) never romantic in nature, and they have found that red blooded heterosexuals have less of a predilection for this sort of thing. Lastly, the SAS recruits heterosexuals because they are much less common in the UK armed forces. This gives the SAS an "elite of the elite" status, and a corresponding esprit de corps.
The one exception to the "gay if you bat, not if you bowl" rule is the drill instructor or DI. The DI is usually of the rank of sergeant, and during training is the prime target for practice buggery. Which is not to say that the DI is in any way passive. On the contrary, the DI will use any and all methods to test his trainees, to force them to come too quickly, and most of all, to shame them for their lack of buggery skills using taunts and sarcasm to question the troop's masculinity. (Note: A taunt is not to be confused with a taint.)
Examples of DI Taunts:
- You call that buggery, do you, you paintywaist? Me own mother could fuck me up the arse better than that!!
- Is your wee cock in yet, laddie?!!
- Lube? You're not going to find any lube in Basra, you pansy! (Not true. There are ample supplies of goat grease in Basra.)
- Oh, was I supposed to feel that?!! I've had diarrhoea thicker and more solid than that in there, boy!!
- You could at least have the common decency to give me a reach around!!
- OK, troop, drop and give me sloppy head!!
- You call that a punch in the nuts?!! You're a regular Jimmy Caruthers, ain't cha?!
After the training in buggery is complete, SAS recruits are given training in the practice of machine guns, rubber chickens, high altitude urination, sharpshooting, camouflage, basic infiltration and ex-filtration techniques, basic reconnaissance, first aid, creative writing, and silly walks.
Once basic training is complete, the recruit goes onto advance training, picking two specialities. The reason for two specialities rather than one is because SAS teams in the field are usually very small, and each man might have to take up the job of a fallen comrade. Thus, there are usually two members on a team with advance medical training, advanced urination from a great height training, and advanced rubber chicken fighting, depending on the mission. Smaller teams allow the SAS to conduct missions far behind enemy lines, bugger enemy forces with more versatility, and more easily divide up the check when dinning out.
- Pissing from a great height. Two SAS men dangle from the underside of a helicopter on ropes, and fly towards the building to be assaulted at high speed. At the planned distance the SAS men each begin pissing on any terrorists in the rooftop, thereby embarrassing the terrorists to such a degree that they throw down their weapons and surrender in shame. Then SAS snipers shoot them.
- Fake entry. This only works on targets with their pants down that are also sporting an erection. A SAS soldier will feint towards the exposed arse of the target with his penis to distract him, while another SAS soldier will punch him him in the nuts.
- The Abseil Shot. With this technique (as practised many times by former SAS man Red Hand Luke) an SAS soldier can bugger a terrorist on another level of a flight of stairs. The SAS man drops his drawers from the top of the stairs and then somersaults down the stairs. As he passes the floor with terrorist on he beats him about the head and shoulders with his enormous cock, then buggers the terrorist once he is properly subdued..
- The your mother tactic. When terroists take hostages tell them
"You are a disgrace to your country, a disgrace to you edcuation and a disgrace to your mother" the last remark will ensure the SAS get lots of running crybabys.
Weapons and Equipment
- Browning Hi Power - Deluxe toaster with bun warmer
- Browning Brownies: Handgun firing high velocity rounds of freshly baked pieces of chocolate goodness.
- H&K mp5 sub-machine gun: Contrary to popular belief, H&K Stands for Hong & Kong as opposed to Heckler & Koch, which makes sense considering that it is cheaper to make sub machine guns from Hong Kong than Deutschland. This sub-machine gun also comes with a built in hi-tech iPod Touch exclusive only to those in the SAS, fulfilling its purpose as a weapon with an mp5 player.
- Flashbang grenade: Used to distract the enemy with bright flashes of light, which gives off the impression that the enemy "really do the see the light" just before they die.
- Gangbang grenade: Upon explosion, skinny homosexuals pop out of this cylinder tube (Kinda like a genie in a bottle, only gayer and doesn't grant wishes). These homosexuals, which carry HIV with them, bumfuck the enemy until they are infected with homo-AIDS.
- Rubber Chicken - Sometimes the SAS use guns, but most of the time they use rubber chickens because they are silent and don't leave dead bodies lying around everywhere.
A Plastic Pistol -Shoots 1m in range
- Dirty Sanchez - Anything that can sexually excite an enemy for critical milliseconds is used.
- Any weapons from the List of weapons that don't exist, but should
- Kevlar: "I can't believe it's made out of plastics!!" Kevlar is used not only as body armor, but also used to strengthen an erected penis.
- Nomex fireproof suit: This isn't actually issued to the SAS, the Director of the SAS simply lies to the SAS soldiers and the placebo effect is good enough for them to really withstand fire.
- Survival Tin emergency condom. Originally a practical joke which has become standard issue.
- Kitchen knife
- Giant Dildo
- Nail gun and Plasma gun
- Tree branches for stealth missions