Spawn

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Spawn-ugly

A face not even your mother could love.

“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude!”
~ Todd McFarlane, age 13, after creating Spawn.
“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude! And I, like, totally keep the money, dude!”
~ Todd McFarlane, age 30, after publishing Spawn.

Spawn is a comic-book character created by Todd McFarlane in order to prove he was a real artist. The initial concept for the character was "black motherfucker", but after copyright dispute with Samuel L. Jackson, the character was changed to a "black ugly motherfucker". This concept also led to copyright dispute, this time with Michael Jackson. Finally, the concept was changed one more time to "dead black ugly motherfucker", which seemingly drew the ire of nobody, because it was published.

edit Character Biography

Spawn is the name given to the current Hell's Pawn, the leader of the Army of the Italian infernal motherfucker Malebolgia.

The current Spawn is a dead, infertile, shit-faced,cuckolded CIA loser called Al Simmons. After his death at the hand of CIA boss J. Edgar Hoover, Simmons made a deal with the devil: he agreed to become an ugly bastard loyal to Malebolgia in order to see his wife once again. Malebolgia accepted and Simmons woke up outside his house just in time to see his wife fucking his best friend. At that moment, Simmons realised he'd been screwed.

After realising this sad fact, Simmons decided to drown his sorrow in beer. Completly drunk, he ended up in a alley, sleeping between two beggars. When he woke up, some Mafia junkie, for apparently no reason at all, decided to kill every drunken beggar he could find. Angry, Spawn killed the thug, stripped off his skin and made a tent with it. The drunken beggars agreed to make Spawn their king, as they were too drunk to realise how ugly he was.

edit Abilities and Powers

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Spawn.

Being an ex-agent of the CIA, Spawn has intimate knowledge of every gun existing on Earth and elsewhere. However, he seems to have a fondness for big, oversized ones. This maybe due to the fact that his dick has probably crumbled to dust by now.

Spawn also wears "symbiotic" armour that he stole from Venom. As such, his appearance is almost the same as Venom's with the following differences[1]:


  • Chains. It may not be not as cool as tentacles, but it stil kicks ass. However, Spawn also has the unfortunate tendency to trip over them while walking on rooftops.
  • A huge, flowing red cape that, rumor has it, can apparently stop a full-scale Grue attack, but Spawn himself seems reluctant to show this ability off.
  • One huge red boot and one small red boot. Apparently, due to the 1991 economic crisis, Malebolgia could not afford a new pair of boots and had to give Spawn some leftovers.
  • No huge tongue. Spawn wanted to have one at first too, but KISS threatened to sue him, so he dropped the idea.


In addition, it is to be noted that Spawn also has the power to do anything he wants, but for only a limited number of times. When he has used up his power, he will automatically return to Hell and become Malebolgia's gimp. This particular aspect of Spawn's power seems to have been forgotten over time tough, as only fat thirty-something geeks remember it.

edit Villains

Spawn's rogue gallery is vast and diversified, including thugs, demons, angels, FBI agents, zombies, dogs, C.H.U.Ds, nuns, and hygiene products. Among this huge pile of cannon-fodder, only a few stands out as worthy of being named. Here are those few:

edit Violator

Violator

Violator, in both monster and clown form. Both are equally disgusting.

While he may look like an ugly, disgusting, fat clown, he is in fact an ugly, disgusting, skeleton-like demon. His favorite activities is to violate the rights of minority (hence is name).

Violator's main power is to creep people out, in either form. He also has the power, according to Violator himself, to kill Spawn with a single finger. Strangely, he never did anything to prove that claim.

Violator is also the oldest of the seven Phlebiac brothers and the grand-grand-nephew of Malebolgia. The other Dalton brothers are, from the oldest to the youngest: Velociraptor, Vasectominator, Vibrator, Visitor, Virginator,and Voltron. The Phlebiac brothers also have a teenage sister called Vaginator.

edit Cogliostro

Cogliostro, or Cog for short, was first tought to be a clone of Obi-Wan Kenobi and an ally of Spawn. Cog first met Spawn after a drunken orgy in a back-alley. Finding Spawn to be a good companion, Cog taught him how to use the Force and how to pop a beer can open with his teeth.

In the sixth panel of the eleventh page of Issue 54, however, he betrayed Spawn and stabbed him in the back. He then revealed that he was in fact a clone a Cain, the dim-wit that killed his own brother, the real Obi-Wan Kenobi. His plan was too raise Spawn's powers than steal them to become more powerful than Satan himself. Spawn, not pleased at all by the betrayal, used his infinite power to banish Cogliostro somewhere

edit Footnotes

  1. It has been noted that there are probably some "serious" differences we may have missed and we are sure Todd McFarlane will whine and bitch until someone puts them in, but who gives a rats ass?
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