Spawn

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Spawn-ugly

A face not even your mother could love.

“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude!”
~ Todd McFarlane, age 13, after creating Spawn.
“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He is, like, fucking cool, dude! And I, like, totally keep the money, dude!”
~ Todd McFarlane, age 30, after publishing Spawn.

Spawn is a comic-book character created by Todd McFarlane in order to prove he was a real writer. The initial concept for the character was "black motherfucker", but after copyright dispute with Samuel L. Jackson, the character was changed to a "black ugly motherfucker". This concept also led to copyright dispute, this time with Michael Jackson. Finally, the concept was changed one more time to "dead black ugly motherfucker".

edit Character Biography

Spawn is the name given to the current Hell's Pawn, the leader of the Army of the Italian demonic motherfucker Malebolgia.

The current director of hell's armies is a dead, rotting, infertile, shit-faced, cuckolded, CIA, loser named Al Simmons. After his death at the hand of CIA boss George H. W. Bush, Simmons made a deal with the devil: he signed a void contract to fill the corner office in Malebolgia's infernal circle, in order to see his wife once again. Malebolgia accepted and Simmons woke up outside his house just in time to see his wife fucking his best friend. At that moment, Simmons realized he'd been screwed and that no amount of deodorant or air freshener was going to cover up that dead body smell.

After realizing this sad fact, Simmons decided to drown his sorrow in beer. Completly drunk, he ended up in a alley, sleeping between two beggars. When he woke up, some Mafia drug addict, thought it would be funny to go bum burning every drunken beggar he could find with gasoline and roast marshmallows over their charred corpses. A tad annoyed, Spawn turned his cape into a thousand hypodermic needles that injected itself into the thugs veins, and stripped off his skin from the inside out to make a tent and keep the homeless warm at night. The beggars agreed to make Spawn their king, as they were too drunk to realize how ugly he was, his reeking stench covered up by their own.

edit Abilities and Powers

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Spawn.

Being an ex-agent of the CIA, Spawn has intimate knowledge of every gun existing on Earth and elsewhere. However, he seems to have a fondness for big, over sized ones]]. This was perhaps due to the fact that his dick had probably either crumbled to dust or was eaten by worms.

Spawn also wears "symbiotic" armour that he stole from Venom's locker at the YMCA. As such, his appearance is almost the same as Venom's with the following legally distinguishing differences[1]:


  • Chains. It may not be not as cool as tentacles, but it still kicks ass. However, Spawn also has the unfortunate tendency to trip over them while walking on rooftops.
  • A huge, flowing shape shifting red cape that Spawn seems reluctant to ever use to it's full potential outside of the comics, due to it looking like an amorphous, gravity defying CGI blob on film, and making the mechanics of his video games more broken and boring than Superman 64.
  • One huge red boot and one small red boot. Apparently, due to the 1991 economic crisis, Malebolgia could not afford a new pair of boots and had to give Spawn some hand me downs from his sex dungeon.
  • No huge tongue. Spawn wanted to have one at first too, but Gene Simmons of KISS (no relation) threatened to sue him, so he dropped the idea.


In addition, it is to be noted that Spawn also has the power to do anything he wants, but for only a limited number of times. When he has used up his power, he will automatically return to Hell and become Malebolgia's gimp. This particular aspect of Spawn's power seems to have been forgotten over time tough, as only fat thirty-something geeks remember it.

edit Villains

Spawn's rogue gallery is vast and diversified, including thugs, demons, angels, FBI agents, zombies, dogs, C.H.U.Ds, nuns, and hygiene products. Among this huge pile of cannon-fodder, only a few stands out as worthy of being named. Here are those few:

edit Violator

Violator

Violator, in both monster and clown form. Both are equally disgusting.

While he may look like an ugly, disgusting, fat clown, he is in fact an ugly, disgusting, skeleton-like demon.

Violator's main power is to creep people out, in either form. He also has the power, according to Violator himself, to kill Spawn with a single finger. Strangely, he never did anything to prove that claim.

Violator is also the oldest of the seven Phlebiac brothers and the grand-grand-nephew of Malebolgia. The other Dalton brothers are, from the oldest to the youngest: Velociraptor, Vasectominator, Vibrator, Visitor, Virginator,and Voltron. The Phlebiac brothers also have a teenage sister called Vaginator.

edit Cogliostro

Cogliostro, or Cog for short, was first thought to be a clone of Obi-Wan Kenobi and an ally of Spawn. Cog first met Spawn playing amazing grace on bagpipes for a dead prostitute thrown into a back-alley dumpster. Finding Spawn to be a good companion, Cog taught him how to use the Force and how to pop a beer can open with his teeth.

In the sixth panel of the eleventh page of Issue 54, however, he betrayed Spawn and stabbed him in the back. He then revealed that he was in fact a clone a Cain, the dim-wit that killed his own brother, the real Obi-Wan Kenobi. His plan was too raise Spawn's powers than steal them to become more powerful than Satan himself. Spawn, not pleased at all by the betrayal, used his infinite power to banish Cogliostro somewhere.

edit CEO of Heaven and Hell

In order to prove once and for all that he was stronger and edgier than anyone at DC or Marvel, Spawn got a slick new business suit with angel wings from Judas and began to buyout God and the Devil, in a hostile takeover resulting in the merger of the Heaven and Hell companies. Spawn had now officially jumped the shark, sharks coincidentally being the only creature with more rows of teeth than Venom.

Not wanting to throw in the shape shifting towel, and with seemingly nowhere to go from there but down, Spawn went toe to toe with deities from other religions, in order to establish more factories overseas. Unfortunately for his company, Spawn soon lost a prolonged legal battle against another comic book deity, allowing Asgard to poach Spawn's best staff out from under him: Angela, the Victoria's Secret angel bounty hunter.

Under Spawn's management, Heaven and Hell suffered record lows the next four fiscal quarters. His company tattered, Spawn recouped his loses and sold his controlling shares in Heaven and Hell to investors in China. Al Simmons now spends his endless retirement years quietly carving figurines from volcanic pumice and the plastic garbage that wash ashore his private beach in the Mediterranean.

edit See also

edit Footnotes

  1. It has been noted that there are probably some "serious" differences we may have missed and we are sure Todd McFarlane will whine and bitch until someone puts them in, but who gives a rats ass?
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