From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“If you punish him with a rod, he will not die, usually, well—sometimes!”
“Spare the rod and spoil the child. Really—do that—spoil her…I really mean it.”
Spanking is a common slang term for expressing one’s unconditional and undying love for one’s child by beating him with a whip, a rod, an extension chord, barbed-wire, or, for cheap sexual excitement, on the bare buttocks with one’s hand.It is a form of punishment most suited for boys.
Spanking is the erotic and violent smacking of a child’s sensuous looking buttocks by adults for erotic pleasure. In some cases, the buttocks are bared for increased sexual arousal on the part of those participating and viewing the perverse sex show. Those who participate in the spanking of children defend themselves by saying that it is punishment for a child’s misbehavior. As this, of course, can be disproved by the fact that spanking as punishment doesn’t work, only builds resentment in children,and teaches children to be violent, those of us who are child molesters can get down to business without any bullshit and get our rocks off. Spanking is not to be confused with Spalankinating. Spalankinating involves nails......
People Who Some Say Got Their Rocks Off From Spanking
The earliest recorded example of erotic spanking in Western culture was by Roman historian Publius Latrinius, a friend and confidante of Marc Anthony. Publius allegedly told his drinking buddies that Anthony told him that "the Egyptian chick loved getting love taps" and that "all he needed to keep Egypt in line was his right hand and a chair."
Dan Brown has claimed that the Roman Catholic church used corporal punishment to take over the world. "There's been a giant fucking conspiracy," raved the certified lunatic "it all started with Jesus and Mary Magdalene and continues up to the present day. I'm serious man"
Theodore Roosevelt's wife claimed that he was fascinated with spanking and often chased her around their White House bedroom with a large birch stick, playfully swatting at her bottom
More recently, Chris Brown was brought to trial for allegedly spanking Rihanna in a car outside an awards show. He claimed it was consensual.
Arguments for Spanking
One reason for many teachers whacking students asses is because they spank children is so that they can get their much needed exercise.
However, some teachers do this as they want to find out which students ass is the nicest to feel. The sadistic teacher then focuses his attention on his chosen victim.
"I like asses that are softer more lah"-mr lee, after spanking his female student's ass which he decribed as tofu-like.
Arguments against Spanking
People of so called intelligence, many of whome have no kids of own but still know best have developed arguments against spanking, have committed to helping the United Nations to end spanking throughout the world, and have done scientific studies proving the ineffectiveness and negative consequences of spanking. Intellectuals! Always after the truth! Always trying to spoil somebody’s party! Always after somebody’s liberation! First it was Nigras, then, it was Bitches, now it’s those filthy little brats who are always needing things like love and warmth and cuddling and all that other sissy crap. I hope nobody saw me sneak this stuff over here in the anti-spanking section. I don’t want to get caught. I might get a whippin’. Signing off. Anyway, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Psychological Association officially oppose spanking. What do they know? One of the things I don’t like about educated people is they think they know what’s good for everybody else. I enjoy touching my daughter’s bare buttocks, especially when my wife isn’t around. Oh, dear, I keep creeping into the anti-spanking side but I can’t help it. I’m just dying to get caught so I can get the beating of my life. Therefore, spanking is considered immoral, ineffective, and impractical as a means of discipline.
Erotic spanking was first innovated when Bill Cosby smacked a bowl of jello pudding and became aroused, once he equated the natural wiggling of the jello with that of a woman's ass. This bizarre trend soon caught on, and soon every world leader and person with enough money to be a "somebody" had either magazines featuring bowls of jello, spanking, or their own private BDSM dungeon installed behind a secret door in their homes' walk-in-closets, where spanking parties were sponsored and spanking fantasies could be played out. Most male "spankos" and erotic spanking enthusiasts tend to agree that they would rather die from being trapped in a room slowly pumped with the gas of their own farts than be forced to spank Laura Bush. However, most male "spankos" tend to agree that Christina Applegate and Naomi Campbell are fine and need a spanking (but not when their butts start drooping from old age, because that's just nasty).
Famous People Who Were Spanked On A Daily Basis
- The Virgin Mary
- Adolph Hitler
- Attila the Hun
- Charles Manson
- Ed Gein
- Heinrich Himmler
- Lois Griffin
- John Wayne Gacy
- Joseph Stalin
- Mel Gibson
- Michael Richards
- O.J. Simpson
- Richard Nixon
- Saddam Hussein
- Ted Bundy
- Eric Harris
- Dylan Klebold