Spalding
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Where?”
~ Oscar Wilde with yet another witty and original quote on his supposed lack of knowledge of a place
“Oh.. the baketball!”
~ Oscar Wilde now crudely attempting some bastardised form of surreal humour, and by bastardised, we really mean written by a bastard!
“Thanks for your edit. Can you improve this related article? Spalding. Can you...hahah...improve...haha...Spal...hahahaha....SPALDING!...HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH”
Spalding is a small collection of supermarkets in Lincolnshire, England perhaps best known for its refusal to die. The number of visitors continues to decline although it still manages to attract a large number of low lifes and creeps from all over the world. Since 2002, it has also held an annual May Day festival in October in an attempt to encourage rumours that it is "the most pagan and therefore most PC town of lincolnshire"
Spalding is often considered by southerners as England's southernmost 'Northern' town. By Northerners it is considered as laughable (i.e. southern). People from the Midlands generally refer to Spalding as being in East Anglia, whereas East Anglians insist that Spalding is in the Midlands. Hence the inhabitants of Spalding have the most confused local identity in the country, with their whippet fondue parties and a Royal Enclosure (top hats only) at the local Pigeon Fancier's club. A number of reasonings are attributed to this thinking, about which the reader is invited to draw his or her own conclusions.
In 1425 there was the so called "South Holland" rebellion in which the entire county of Licolnshire marched to the Geographical Mapping Society in order that Spalding be removed from the map. They were ofcourse met with complete and utter Apathy (and a legion of the King's finest brigade that cut the rising (and the leader's heads) down to size)
Spalding's secondary modern schools can only be so called because they are the closest thing that spalding has to an education system. A recent OFSTED report stated:
"they have playgrounds and are full of kids...and hence we suspect they are mass tributary offerings to the almighty lizard porn-diva GODZILLA"
It is also reported that Spalding has two sex free grammar schools. However this is to be doubted, as schools in Spalding are clearly a THING OF THE PAST. Inspection of some of the teachers at either alleged school would tend to back up the cistern. Also Spalding has a gleefully fake school that noone bar the painfully jealous ever care to mention. A recent report of the Gleed Vs Grammar school war, which has been on going since the begining of yesterday, says how 9 Grammar school kids humiliated 40 Gleeds kids, but the 40 Gleeds humlilitatered them back.
Tourist attractions in Spalding include a cough, which brings millions of visitors per year to gape at its echoing. An important thing to remember about the cough is that you are NOT allowed to bring your cattle into play.
As with any town with no thing, the people of Spalding rely upon the deaths of wealthy relatives (the town has a Bylaw that actively encourages "Enquickening the death, and easing the pain") and mugging and holding ransom anyone lost or stupid enough to find themselves there.
The people of Spalding are resentful and full of malice but due to a natural wariness of hard work, little ever comes of this.
It was recently voted 6th place in the top 200 places worse than hell awards 2005
Spalding is due to hold the 2008 World Tulip Conference, seizing its chance in the face of strong opposition from towns such as its pan-dimensional alter ego. Buoyed by this success, it is thought that Spalding may enter a last-minute bid to host a trolley of fine whiskeys.
[edit] Universal Celebration Of Spalding Day
Every year on the 30th of February, nations across the universe celebrate the existence of Spalding, due to it's iconic status as the town where life began. Ambassadors from all areas of the Milky Way and various other galaxies come bearing gifts to leading residents of Spalding, to show their graititude. Also, awards ceremonies are held to acknowledge achievements of Spaldingers as they are affectionately known. Previous winners of the most prestigious award, the GAOSACA (Golden Award Of Spalding Awards Ceremony Award) include Ellis and Steve for services to COD 4, Dave for services to Beer and Fags, and to all current Gleed Boys students for services to irrelevance.
NOTA BENE I: The athletic ball originated in Spalding. To this day every single ball produced in the world comes from Spalding.
NOTA BENE II: Spalding is also a portmanteau of the words spanking and scalding. It is used to describe the pain/pleasure of the recipient's ass during and after the giver spanks it.
