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The Holy Roman Catholic Empire of Spain or Paellaland
|Motto: "If you can't beat them...take siesta and try again some other time.",|
|Anthem: La Cucaracha, El Condor Pasa|
|Largest city||Old Mexico|
|Official language(s)||Spanish, Poverté, Gibberish, Catalan, Galician, Euskera (Basque) , English (only in Majorca, Torrevieja, and Sotogrande, a British enclave to the East of Gibraltar)|
|Government||Constitutional Monarchy (formerly a Republic by the Grace of Jeff Bush)|
|President||Osmund Saddler (after old president Bin Laden|
|‑ The King of party||Juan Carlos I|
|Favorite Musical Instrument||Conker Shell|
|National Hero(es)||Rafa Nadal, Don Quijote, Sancho Panza, Queen Latifah, David Villa, Iker Casillas, Xabi Alonso, Rodolfo Chikilicuatre, Michael Phelps, Fernando Alonso, Pulpo Paul , Octopus Paul|
|Currency||[Pesos found behind your lazy uncle's couch, Euros, Ham, Cheese, Wine, Mullets]|
|Religion||soccer and dancing the Macarena to propitiate goals, Octopusism|
“Why couldn't Christopher Columbus discover it?”
Spain is a country located in the sweaty arse-crack of Europe. Spain since it shares its borders with France, someplace called Andorra where rich people hide out, and a country that owes Spain two months rent called Portugal. Spain, like your family, is constantly at war with itself and others around it, because it really is just a grouping together of nomadic groups, each one lazier than the lat.
Why should you travel to Spain this year instead of the Bahamas? You shouldn't, dipshit.
While You Were Asleep in History Class
Spain was a peaceful place until civilized man appeared wielding a minceless taco. The Carthaginians under Hannibal were hanging out in Spain until 210 B.C. when the Roman Empire showed up and kicked them out. Your teacher, Mrs. Jenkins told Mark Ingram that if he was going to chew gum he had to do it quietly.
The Romans held control of things until these bad asses called the Visigoths showed up. Matt who sits behind you gave Becky the “Goth Chick” an unpracticed *let’s go to the bed look* at the mention of the Visigoths.
In the 8th Century all that came to an end when Muslims (who liked to be called Moors) quickly slaughtered the Visigoths and set about speaking in a fast, squeaky, unintelligible manner, retained in modern Spanish diction. The Moor's set about Islamicising spain by covering it with minarets, tranquil gardens and fragrent orange groves. However their constant beautification of the country left them little time for millitary preparation.
For the next seven hundred years warfare between Christians and Muslims occured as Christians pushed everybody who didn’t think like them out the door.
I can’t stress enough the social implications of a jock like Matt even considering dating Becky. That would be like Holy Roman Emperor Charles V asking out Roxelana the only legal wife of Suleiman the Magnificent on homecoming weekend.
The Hotness of Imperial Spain
Joanna the Mad styled “Her Royal Hotness” HRH, helped unify several lonely bachelors and create the Kingdom of Spain that we know today. Joanna liked the rough stuff more than ruling the country, and feigned schizophrenia so her relatives would keep her locked up.
Phillip the II followed up this act with hitting the low countries hard, having himself been spanked into a coma by his brutal father, strangely Philip the III . So hard in fact that they named the Phillipines after his exploits. Several thousand G.I.’s would follow his example in WWII.
While Conquistadors were busy breeding with the peoples of Latin and South America the Spanish Inquisition started their first season run on state television. After several friendly but unsuccessful conversations with everyone around about who should take care of the Atlantic, America and well, half of the world, Spaniards decided enough was enough and went to have a siesta. Napoleon invaded was kicked out by the outraged people, suprised to be suddenly awakened without advice and those awfully nice British chaps, and the Spanish Civil War caused everyone a headache. Things were just starting to go right again when a large, unkept penis named Francisco Franco came along.
Bar-zuh-łon-nuh is the first city you need to check out. Don’t bother renting a car; navigating the streets in this city are tougher than getting a piñata full of candy away from your blind six year old cousin.
Almost everyone from this region of Spain believes they are part of their own nation called Catalonia. Feel free to remind them that Barcelona is not Europe, and you will get drunk and urinate in the street just as freely here, as you would in Paris.
If you prefer to visit Madrid, remember to visit locals where the owner had a great moustache and a nasty image and try to talk about how good played the FC Barcelona, you'll have a very funny time with these kind people.
You probably missed the 1992 Olympics because you were in grade school, but don’t worry all those fancy hotels they built are still there waiting to overcharge you for a toothbrush, shampoo, and late night entertainment.
"Basque"-ing in self worship must mean you're in Basque country, and hitting the tapas bars a little too hard. If you can sober up; visit the village of Pamplona in Fiesta de San Fermín for the running of the bulls starting on 7 July.