Space bats

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[edit] Appearance

A spaced out old bat.

Space bats are quiet and mostly peaceful creatures closely resembling common bats. There are of course exceptions to this patronizingly basic assumption as being frickin' space bats, they have been forced to adapt to the extreme, but immensely cool environment that calls itself outer space. These include:-

• Two inch thick titanium body armor
• Anime hair
• Really big tentacles ('coz every self-respecting space being has tentacles)
• Three huge red eyes capable of firing high powered laser beams to a distance of up to four and a half light-years.
• A huge bloated swollen stomach with a multitude of very icky glands and handy compartments for digesting asteroids, space junk and really small, but none-the-less highly advanced civilisations
• A surprisingly laid back attitude to living in a total vacuum
• Diplomatic immunity to all forms of electromagnetic radiation.

They are also 8ft long with a wingspan of 30ft. Cool, eh?

[edit] Habitat

A typical space bat nest; two up, two down, outside toilet and only fifteen minutes from the beach.

Space, stupid. But seriously, there have been many, albeit unconfirmed sightings of space bat colonies (i.e. groups numbering more than 4236 space bats) throughout our galaxy. Potential space bat hot-spots include:

• The Orion Nebula
• In orbit around Yavin IV
• Europa
• The Horse Head Nebula
• The constellation Gemini
• Vulcan
• Picking bits of fluff off the remains of Aldaraan
• The southern region of the constellation Perseus, no not that bit, down, down, left a bit, yep, right there!
• Cardassia
• Down my local hogging the pool table
• London Underground

A few extra-galactic sightings have been reported, particularly in the region of the Large and Small Magellanic Clouds, but these observations were mostly made by divorced, middle aged men who drank too much, so no-one believed them.

[edit] Diet

Eskimos form a small, but essential part of the space bat diet as a vitamin supplement

Space bats as a general rule will eat just about anything, but it is widely thought by extra-terrestrial biologists (get a life guys) that the space bats' diet consists mostly of the following:-

• Tyranids
• Small rocks
• Cider
• Predators
• Jean-Claude Van Damme
• Sherry Trifle
• Galactus' mouldering carcass
• Prozac
• Electromagnetic radiation
• Discarded Soviet spacecraft
• Red Bull

Space bat metabolisms are incredibly slow and they only need to eat every three years, four months, twelve days, nine hours and fifteen minutes exactly. However, when they do eat, they are really hungry and can eat up to five times their own weight in anything vaguely nutritious in the area, but they usually settle for a Pot Noodle (not the same as an Earth Pot Noodle) to build up their appetite (see "Behaviour" below).

[edit] Behaviour

...and he would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

All space bats are violently agoraphobic and prefer to spend as much time alone as possible. Quite why they choose to live in colonies of up to twelve million is a complete mystery. When they are not feeding (which is most of the time), space bats indulge in highly complex social behavior in order to pass the time. These activities include:-

• Making Pot Noodles (unlike Earth Pot Noodles which are noodles encased in a pot, space bat Pot Noodles are pot encased in a noodle).
• Standing on their head
• Having sword fights with baguettes and pretending to be the Count of Monte Christo
• Writing pointless lists
• Trying to find where they have left their keys
• Participating in sado-masochistic group orgies
• Playing backgammon
• Reading crap autobiographies by ex-Eastenders cast members
• Listening to death metal
• Watching old episodes of Scooby Doo and then complaining about how obvious it was that the Arkansas Swamp Monster was the creepy janitor that the gang met like what, fifteen seconds into the bloody cartoon!
• Stoning blasphemers for saying "Jehovah" OH CRAP!!!!!!!