Space Shuttle Challenger
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Spaceship/Paper Airplane Controversy
Tom Hanks Theory
NASA deny ever having a problem with the challenger's new multi-million dollar Tom Hanks survival system unit. Later, after the cause (a rubber seal) was discovered, NASA ordered all remaining rubber seals be clubbed to death. This was the inspiration for Elton John's "Clubbed to Death".
NASA Guide to Building Your Own Spaceship
- Take a rectangular piece of paper.
- Fold it in half lengthwise.
- Unfold the paper.
- Take two of the corners from one end of the rectangle and fold them back toward the middle.
- Fold the paper in back in half lengthwise.
- Fold down either side to make wings.
- Load with half a million gallons of rocket fuel and ignite.
- Now tell your friends how awesome space is.
- Neil Armstrong, captain.
- Lance Armstrong, first mate.
- Stone Phillips, pilot.
- Astronaut Stephen Hawking, communications officer.
- Astronaut Barbie, teleporter operator and full-release massage therapist.
- Jean-Luc Picard, auxiliary captain.
- Christa McAuliffe, a teacher and the first civilian to ever fly in a large paper airplane.
On January 28, 1986, the Challenger exploded into a huge barbeque just seconds after takeoff, instantly converting its 7 crew members into delicious chicken marsala. To bring them back to life, President Ronald Reagan was ordered by a mysterious shaman to strip naked, eat the remains of the crew, and wander out into the Black Forest where he would be forced to confront his darkest inner demons. It was later said by a resurrected Stone Phillips that Reagan performed this task "with gusto."
After feeding, Reagan's life-force was replenished, but his thirst had not been quenched, and in order to maintain his power in the quest for the blood sceptre he surely had to feed again.The ensuing incident was later recreated on an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.
- Reagan's address to the nation on the night of the Challenger explosion:
- My fellow Americans, raaaaaaaargh!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! MEEEEEE.... WAAAAAAAAANT.... BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless America.
In February 1987, 20 scientists from the NASA program stationed in Melbourne, Florida were tried for crimes against humanity. The charges stemmed from their suspected plot to sabotage the mission, thereby denying women the chance to visit outer space and pissing off feminists everywhere. In order to appease the court, each NASA team member had to do 30 Hail Mary's and pay $5. They are all now employed by Toyota's U.S. division.
In March 1986, Vice President George W. Bush received much support for his statement, "those jackasses weren't heroes. They didn't even make it to space. Heroes generally accomplish something before they die and these jokers didn't even get that far. Achilles is a hero, John C. Rank is a hero, I am an hero. We shouldn't reward incompetence with parades and if I am elected president in two years my first action will be pissing on their empty graves and deporting their children." It was these words, coupled with his vow to end Nazi tyranny in Europe, which won him the election in 1988. In his victory speech Bush said to a zealous crowd: "You put me in the White House and the least I can do is dig up and rape every one of the Tuskegee Airmen. Thank you.”
The Challenger explosion has become a popular topic for inappropriate jokes. Here are some examples:
- A rabbi, a priest and a vicar heard about the Challenger tragedy and were all deeply saddened.
- A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender asks, "May I help you?" The frog replies, "I still haven't gotten over how shaken I am by the Challenger explosion."
- PERSON A: Knock, knock.
- PERSON B: Who's there?
- PERSON A: A national tragedy that shook our country's belief in science and destroyed the innocence of a generation.
- PERSON B: A national tragedy that shook our country's belief in science and destroyed the innocence of a generation who?
- PERSON A: The Challenger explosion!!! (Alternate punchlines: The Atomic Bomb, Three Mile Island, The Columbia Explosion, The Tamagotchi Craze.)
It just goes to prove what man has known for some time. One can't rely on a little rubber seal!