Space Elevator
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Cloud goes up, cloud goes down. Cloud goes up, cloud goes down.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Describing his view whilst riding the space elevator
Contents |
[edit] Description
The Space Elevator is a unique way of propelling the entire universe away from a single planet (or, relatively speaking but far less cool, one planet away from the entire universe). Currently, the Space Elevator exists only in theory, but rumours exist of plans by the United Spades of Amerika to build a full-scale Space Elevator as the most efficient way to hurl all the Commies on Earth into the Sun.
[edit] History
The idea for a Space Elevator was originally proposed while prominent scientists Albert Einstein and Heinstein were out binge-drinking, celebrating the invention of Elevators. To quote their actual words,
E: I think space is cool.
H: I think elevators are cool.
E: Hey! I've got a Great idea! Add the two together, and you get...
H: Sword-chucks!
E: Nonono! A SPACE ELEVATOR!
The rest, as they say, is history.
[edit] Design
As should be obvious to anyone who has ever used a normal elevator, you move in a direction by pushing off something in the other direction. A Space Elevator works in the same manner, only on a much larger scale. By pushing off Space, the planet the Elevator is attached to moves in the opposite direction.
A Space Elevator is made of an extremely stiff rod erected perpendicular to the planet's surface, on which is mounted a conveyor belt carrying massive weights. It is powered by a huge version of a normal chainsaw motor, which drives the conveyor belt, moving the weights upwards relative to the planet. The air resistance of the weights moving upwards causes a force on the planet downwards, creating a net movement downwards.
The benefits of such a planetary propulsion design are that reversing directions is made very simple. All one needs is to reverse the direction of the belt movement. For downwards movement relative to the planet, the belt has to spin clockwise. For upwards movement relative to the planet, the belt has to spin counter-clockwise.
Such a design could also be employed to turn or steer a planet; however, instead of mounting the Space Elevator perpendicular to the surface, it is mounted parallel to the planet. The effects of operating a Space Elevator mounted thus is to accelerate one side of the planet faster than the other, resulting in net spin. Changing directions is as simple as reversing belt direction; clockwise results in a net spin to the right, counter-clockwise results in a net spin to the left.
[edit] Alternative approach
There are also tests proving that a space elevator could be done by an inversed bowl containing more milky white, milkish milk-alike liquids with strong milk character than it could possibly fit and some basic magick.
[edit] Effects
The scientific benefits of the space elevator have not been identified, apart from possibly hurling everyone you hate into an exceedingly hot body. We mean STARS, not girls. I wouldn't hurl someone I hated into an exceedingly hot girl. Unless he was very very very gay, and I don't mean merry. Or a very very very straight and homophobic girl, accordingly.
Possible ramifications involving intergalactic speed limits. However, no planet has yet been observed to exceed 0.000001 light years per second relative to itself, and thus many scientists feel this need not be taken into account. However, be warned. Space Police is NASTY.
