Space

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Spaced
One of the many friendly inhabitants of space. This guy just floats around all day; sometimes he has a hoagie roll with him. But he can't eat it in that helmet.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Palkia?
“Space? Space is only the key in between the two alt keys. Nothing special.”
~ Al Gore on Space

Space

“Space is where important things such as wine, swallow nests and salted pig ears are placed!”
~ Flaturiticus, 1324 AD on Space


Space was discovered in 1307 by a greek alchemist called Flaturiticus, who theorised that all things must have a space in which they reside. His theory has generally been accepted until very recent times - but it was finally discredited in the 1980's by the Council of Worshipful Couch Potatoes. In 2002, after a heated debate between several theoretical philosophy groups, it became clear the Council did not disagree with Flaturiticus about the principle of space, but only of the substances it should contain. The Council adamantly adhered (and continues to do so) to their more modern list of beer, chips and remote control. "We just want to be able to eat without moving away from the TV set", explained the spokesman of the Council in the famous 2003 press conference in Vienna. After the initial turmoil this incident caused in scientific circles, things returned back to normal. Space continues to be accepted as a place where things reside.

Empty Space

The place where you thought you left your beer and snacks. Empty Space occurs more frequently if there are other humans nearby. The frequence of this occurrence is, strangely enough, partially governed by the alcohol content of the blood of the humans in question. It bears to be noted that the emptiness of the space in these occurrences is relative only: it most often contains gases - breathable by humans - along with dust, photons, and any number of substances ordinarily found in the atmosphere of planet Earth. If lack of beer and snacks actually constituted empty space, i.e. absolute vacuum, we would all be dead by now!

Wasted Space

  • A spot where you could put your feet if sitting, i.e. coffee table. The use of such space is often prohibited by the unbending orders by a member of the opposite sex, most often referred to as "Mom", "Honey", or, if the relations are really strained, "My dearest".
  • The space on either side of the TV set. The usual solution to getting rid of such wasted space is to save money until a wall-to-wall TV set can be purchased.

This is where I left off

Theories on the Explanation for Space

FnubulAAAA
Look: Space is happy to see you!

Recent investigations have postulated the theory that space is not only where things aren't but also potentially where things are too(and where they've been); this can be easily proved by moving something, thus exposing the space previously occupied.

Space is widely believed to be ubiquitous. Some believers go one step further and equate space with God and one sect, the sorters, so called because of their belief in storage solutions, household tidyness, and minimal home furnishings. Sorters openly worship space.

It is often thought to be the final frontier, but thus far only the truly insane have asked "what's it a frontier to?" However, these people can be safely ignored...until the next election.

To be honest if space was the final frontier than Star Trek would never have been invented. THE TRUTH! THE TRUTH is that space is infinitly tiny, and as we enter it we shrink to a miniture size smaller than Hitler's brain and if we were ever to figure this out then that unlucky sod would ASPLODE..."OH SH..."

In 1982, the popular problematic software-based company Microsoft fell under a controversial class-action lawsuit with God for use of the copyrighted name "Space" in conjunction with a specific key on the modern-day computer keyboard. However, the case was dropped before it ever made it to court. Reasons for this are unknown, but it is widely believed that founder and multi-billionare owner of Microsoft, Bill Gates, hired Osama Bin Laden to take a confidential venture into space to assassinate God and claim all subjected rights to the "Space" key.

The actual ubiquity of space is not in question but does lead to awkward misunderstandings. A famous instance of this occurred when NASA launched a Challenger space craft on a mission to Middleton, Oregon due to intelligence passed onto them by the CIA that confirmed there was "A bit of space" under the stairs in number 20034 Okee Boulevard. A later spokesman said that the fuel cost savings made the mission a high priority.

Because of the ambiguity and ubiquity of space it is usually qualified by additional word that hopefully gives you a better clue as to the whereabouts of the space in question. For example Outer Space, Inner Space, Upper Space, Lower Space, Empty space, Head Space, MySpace, Parking Space, Mixed Space, Shifting Space, Watch this Space, Advertising Space. In addition the quality of any given space can be said to be: Spaced Out, Kevin (Spacey), Swing a Cat, Throw a Cat, Quantum Shift a Cat, Supernova a Cat, useful space, gained space, Raced for Space, and space left for desert.

DSC00342
Is this really what you want?!

Taken as a whole space is almost everywhere, almost entirely filled with vacuum, with some matter, anti-matter, and dark matter here and there and some, doesn't matter....

Regardless of the location of space, which in itself is a redundant comment, space is of uniform colour. Not as most suppose black, or even very very very dark blue; this is due to a trick of the light. Why light would wish to play a trick on space is one of the fourteen ponderables (a subset of the Rimsky Korsakov inverted navel postulate).

In England, all space is owned by the Queen and if you befoul it you could get locked in the Tower of London, which is a tower that is in London. In Fact, it is the only tower in London, now that the Tower of Instability has fallen.

Some people consider space to be really aggravating, mostly due to its size. A 1492 Gallup poll revealed that 32% of South Africans "dislike" space, and that 134% "dislike it intensely." The well-known psychologist Martin van Buren is known to have said on the common perception of space, "Many people get worried that space is growing daily, and is in fact getting so large that it will soon subsume their towns and make a mockery of their everyday lives. A large majority of the Earth's populace has, upon sighting space lurking in back alleys near their homes, remarked, 'There goes the neighborhood.'"

Space is an hour's drive away, if your car could go straight upwards, or very slightly sideways.

Space is the final frontier.

Space is your friend.

Space hid from your soothsaying uncle...in a cupboard.

If a tree falls and everyone is in Space, then all the people won't hear it, because they would all be dead, and Albert Einstein 'zombie dance' you.

If you enter space without a spacesuit, you will probably die. Unless you are really lucky. Really really lucky. (The chance is two hundred and sixty-seven thousand seven hundred and nine to one against)On the other hand if space enters you you will probably get an urge to eat a doughnut.

DSC00343
the after effects of "too much space"

Space is not to be confused with Pharaoh Space of Alpha/Zulu 7, a tyrannical leader who, after many years of trying, finally conceived an equestrian clock.

Physical properties of empty space:

  • Density: 3.14159 (+/- 0.00000) kg/m3
  • Size: [**--------------------- This big ----------------------**] or around the size of a Chuck Norris Fartium
  • Melting Point: 58 C
  • Boiling Point: 43 C (Space has the curious property of boiling before it melts, a very rare idiosyncrasy also found in Gazpacho soup)
  • Viscosity: -47.0 metres
  • Bigness Space is Big, really Big. You just wouldn't believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly Big it is. You may think it's a long way down the street to the chemist, but thats just PEANUTS to SPACE!.
  • Area: Infinite. (Infinite: bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real ´wow, that´s big´, time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we´re trying to get across here.)
  • Flavor: A nice minty sensation reminiscent of certain brands of chewing gum - hubba bubba in particular
  • Half-life: 7.3 hazbangnillion years (somewhat less in the presence of Oprah Winfrey or even less in the presence of the Waste of Space: Sequel to the Waste of Time series)
  • Quantity: 3.5 billion cubic flagons
  • Import None. It is impossible to import Things into an infinite area, there being no outside to import things in from.
  • Exports: deadly radiation, ojects floating in its mass, aliens, zombies, planets (free, you have to pay to have them moved), borg, helium 3, space rocks (moving and non-moving)
  • Influences: Space lists Jeff Buckley, ZZ Top, Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Beatles, The Smiths, The White Stripes, Spandeau Ballet and Scunthorpe as important influences on its work, not to forget fridge magnets. Also, delpha.
  • Favourite Colour: Black. Although the previous owners of Space had decorated it with floral print wallpaper.
  • Sexuality: Bi, accepting all lifeforms, from we humans to the protoplasmic putty it found in quadrant TR71X%.Likes stilettos and getting 'freaky deaky'.
  • Genetic makeup:Space is created from the over use of chuck norris's penis, when chuck norris wanks, so much gas and energy is generated it has to go somewhere, so it dissipates into 'space' as we call it.
  • Sound: Nothing can be heard in space except for classical music and heavy breathing, as proven by Stanley Kubrick.

The Big Tang(o)

The Big Tang(o) was the beginning of lime as we know it. A rather small pineapple flavoured Rubik's Cube began to shake violently (as the 'Great Monkey' finally succeeded in completing one side after an eternity of trying) and exploded into what we have come to know as the 'trademark'. The grown seeds of 'fizzeractives' escaped from the flames and grew wildly into lots of 'Space Stuff' that we now realise is not Space Stuff but is in fact just stuff. And so after many years of growing pains, a James Earl Jones-like voice replied to Space 'You've Just Been Tangoed'.


Spleth theory

SPACE IS NOT REAL!!!

IT IS GOVERNMENT PROPOGANDA!!!! You may say: "But we can see the sun! that is in space!". But no! It is actually a giant lazer situated in a strange vortex. And also, Nasa is Fake TOO! Bet you didnt know that. It was invented to continue the brainwashing that is Space.

Some scienctific stuff about Space...

Space, as has been pointed out by famous author, humorist, and dead guy Douglas Adams, is really big. It's also the thing that contains the Universe, which is actually just everything that's lying around the place and not nearly as impressive as it sounds.

Space is also getting bigger at a rate of {some number of light years the author doesn't want to look up right now} every day, as we are assured by leading astronomers, and also by some crazy people but they have a less concrete basis for their particular argument, seeing as how delusions are so difficult to prove.

While Space was accused of the death of John Lennon in 1423 and 1/2, he denied the charges and the case is currently pending investigation as, the private eye needed a delicious jelly doughnut to get the energy to take on such a vastly,hugely,massively big rip, between matter.

Science, however, can be proven with a lot of complicated mathematics, which most people will take on trust, even though 'numbers' are purely a human invention and don't really exist. They are just a way of quantifying or, for those of you who don't have dictionaries, counting things.

According to His Holiness Stephen Hawking, all the numbers prove that the universe is expanding. They're really not sure how big it's going to get. They are also not sure what's going to happen when it gets as big as it can get, except that eventually everything will be very far away from everything else, so it will take a long time to run down to the store and pick up loaf of bread and gallon of milk, so be sure to pack a lunch.

There are some astronomers who think that the universe will simply stop when it gets as big as it can possibly get (just how big space can get is another bone of contention which we don't have to go into right now, as it involves {a lot of other numbers the author doesn't feel like looking up right now}). What the universe will do afterward is a matter for speculation, but it will probably involve quite a lot of Twinkee®©™ consumption while watching the afternoon talk shows, and a slow and painful death spanning billions of years, which will result in the defunct universe lying around like the corpse of a beached whale until somebody gets tired of the stench and has the carcass dragged out into the interdimensional equivalent of the ocean to be scuttled with the interdimensional equivalent of plastic explosive.

Other astronomers believe that once space is a big as it can be, it will start to collapse in on itself, possibly as a result of exhaustion, possibly as a result of going on the Atkins Diet out of sheer embarrassment at being the only one in the theater that actually has to sit in the lobby and watch the feature presentation through the door, on account of being too large even to sit on a folding chair in the aisle.

Sigmund Freud has proven the link between penis envy and the scientific interest in the 'Bigness' of space, citing that well-adjusted men will happily recognise the validity of even the smallest space, especially when observed between mothers' breasts. While Proto feminist authors insist that space is a feminist issue and "no you cannot put that thing in there."

However, many astronomers believe that the universe started out with the Cosmic Egg, which was very simply everything compressed into a very small place, including all the places. Then it exploded, after a predictable time span, in accordance with the Law of Warrantee-Expiration-Date-Determined Product Failure. This explosion is called the "Big Bang", proving that scientists really have no imagination whatsoever and have been funded by arms manufacturers for too long. The government should institute a program to supply poets with telescopes, instead of wasting money on petty little wars and things.

Astrocat
Catonakeyboardinspace, the official mascot of Space.

Many astronomers of the Big Bang school of thought therefore believe that the collapse of the universe is simply a built-in feature that has nothing to do with Twinkee®©™ consumption or television talk shows and will result in the reformation of the Cosmic Egg, leading in turn to another Big Bang. This is the theory of a Cyclical Universe.

On the other hand (there always seems to be an 'other hand' in science, if you can stay awake long enough to find out what's on it), some scientists think that the theory of a Cyclical Universe is pure hogwash. They base their belief on the Inverse Packaging Theorem, which states that anything unpacked from X sized container can only be repacked in Y sized container, where Y is at least 10% percentage larger than X, or 20% larger for heavy, expensive, or sharp-cornered objects, and 30% larger for anything that has to be returned to the manufacturer in the original packaging--which leads us to the famous adage "caveat emptor," which is Latin for "The customer is always screwed."

The upshot of all this being the belief that you can't repack a universe into the cosmic egg it came out of, in the same way you can't repack an omelet into an eggshell (at least, not until you pick out all the peppers).

However the universe ends, it is commonly agreed by most sages, onions, priests, pontiffs, preachers, kooks, and other spiritual leaders that it will be very bad news for planet Earth and we should all prepare for it by buying large numbers of religious books, such as the Bible and the Koran and Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. These books will give us nightmares about the Apocalypse®©™ so frightening that we will flock to churches, cathedrals, temples, and other places of worship where we will throw large amounts of money into collection plates; and where we will also be invited to buy all the icons, religious medals, prayer books, holy water, and various other paraphernalia kindly manufactured by our religious organizations out of the kindness of their hearts, in order to prevent us from spending eternity in a place that will make the Apocalypse®©™ look like a junior high school choir rehearsal. The only group that will escape the "Apocalypse®©™" are the Nerds with there servent Geeks, who will be boarding there Birdys of prey and possibly there Wambundu-class submarine bikes.

Note It wouldn't be fun to get lost in space.. who the hell would u ask to find a way out?

Final Note

A person can survive for up to 5 minutes in space. Boiling/exploding does not happen. Don't ask how they tested this.

Life from space

A wide variety of life forms are out and about (or aboat if yer a Cannuck) in space. The annoyingly prolific breeder, the Venus flytrap is the most common form of life founded in outer space on Earth. The Venus flytrap made it's way to Earth some time back in 1986. Black Lobsters, the warriors of the Pie and the JoJo, who's religion is Pieism, often live in space because it is their holy duty (and because they can!). Also Tabby Fat, God-Emperor of space, lives in space and is served by the Cheese. Space is also inhabited by Super Mario

another common resident of space would be short little big headed midgets who wear tin foil sip on spinach juice. the constant drinking on spinach juice has caused their skin to turn green and their eyes to grow to "anime-chick" size and go black as the ace of spades. these frantic little gremlins go around building far too sophisticated technology which ends up being sent to earth, such experiments include:

  • chocolate milk
  • iPOD
  • bird flu

the above experiments were a success but there were a few failed experiments:

  • Hillbillies
  • Democracy
  • white people
  • japan
  • your face

On an interesting note the ipods were all sent to earth to destroy all humans but were lacking in speech and were programmed to pick up the human language, analyse it, and use to be taken to their leaders. unfortunatley due to tred winds,bad weather and that wierd retarded thing from courage the cowardly dog that stands on an asteroid and swats anything that flies by and laughs retardedly, the iPODs all landed in music stores and suggested that humans communicate through music, and so stored up to 20,000 songs on their memory an d played them bach over and over again. although limited in movement this is what they classified the music into:

  • classical: the people who get sent to "special home for retards and dipshits"
  • techno: the machine tribes of tokyo and the himalayas
  • house: the humans that jump up and down fearing that the ground in covered in feces
  • slow-rock: suicidal teenage chicks who got left by their prom dates
  • hard-rock: people that think they are aerosol cans and shake their heads to check if their still full
  • punk-rock: emos and suicidal teenage dudes
  • hip-hop/rap: waring tribes of monkey like humans that enjoy riding mechanical beasts and stapling golden and spinnig shoe on their feet
  • pop: fags, homos, queers, and all those who like paris hilton.

the list can go on but it wont. unfortanatley the iPODs were quickly deafeted, due to their small size, killed, carbon copied, and sold to the mass media for mind draining entertainment.

Space in History for the Cresser-Browns

The ancient Greeks knew everything that there was to know about space and travelled into outer space regularly on Triremes. This generally accounts for why almost everything in space is named after a Greek thing or person, god etc. Apollo's best friend aristotle wrote several tracts or guidebooks to the milky way (Galaxy in Greek).

When the happily pagan and clever Greeks where subsumed by the dogmatic, enlightened christians much of their learning was lost, or to be more precise, banned on pain of being burned at the stake. This loss of knowledge lead to an embarrassing space in history which the Christians couldn't quite fill even with pages of begetting and all sorts of ridiculous assertions about the age of Noah and Nebucadnezzar.

The English believed they could one day go into space, using their so called 'automobile', but failed after fast decompression imploded the picnic basket in the Volkswagen Beetle; as everything created since the 'Beginning' was destroyed in an plasmic explosion of Pizza and Ice-Cream.

The only nation in the world to have suffered a space related disaster was the lost race of Easter Island in the pacific. It occurred when all the space on the island was filled and the population found themselves without even the space to stretch out a towel on the beach. Today Huge carved stone heads are all that remains of this once peaceful civilisation. All that is known of the disaster is that it began with people nudging and elbowing each other and rapidly progressed to wholesale genocide until all but a single person was left, who then died childless. The stone heads are believed to be either offerings to the gods for head space, or elaborate beach spot markers.


Space food

Space food is known for being quite tasty... actually no really really shit. It mostly consists of pink plastic cups and robot feces, but on special occasions such as labor day, Jack Johnson's great aunt comes to visit and they have a big orgy in the car park of taco bell, and she usually brings purple cat tails. Such space food is analyzed by top Canadian scientists under the supervision of Jessica Biel or Gandi.

Back in 1577, in April during the war with northern Asia, the National Space Food Academy (NSFA) analyzed the food, and it was tested positive for such contents as Gonorrhea, Cancer, and lethal toenail bacteria. This news quickly spread to most of the southern hemisphere of Neptune and Venus, putting the racket ball market on a low budget for around 36 years, until April 22nd of 1613. The well known Michael Jackson was spotted during a drug assembly at a public school near Washington CT, and was convicted of drunk driving during a monkey attack, which is most frowned upon in places such as Tadzhikstan, the land of the JoJo and San Diego. He was sentenced to 28 and a half years in prison, and a lifetime of carpet cleaning at the Candlewood Nursing Home. This gave the food association the perfect chance to get back what was theres, so they immediately sold Ritz Crackers to every citizen of the fire station in southern Houston Texas. The association has been on an all time high for the last couple of years, and still hands out free cotton sweatshirts and blankets to everyone who can stick their left thumb through the ceiling while hurling pennies at shark eyes.

Space

That was space :)

Another example of space

You are space.

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