Soyuz Rocket

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“In Russia: Soyuz Rocket flies YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on the Soyuz Rocket.
Soyuz launch
A Soyuz Rocket 5 seconds away from launching. Notice the strict Russian health and safety rules in place.

The Soyuz rocket is the only currently used operational manned rocket in the World. It can be unmanned as well and controled by a secret Russian base in Siberia however the unmanned version is only needed when the rocket is operating as a missile. The rocket is used by many space organisations including the Russian Space Federation of Planets, the European Space Association and the North Korean Nuclear Arms Association. The USA still use the USS Enterprise which is soon to be removed from service as it is too dangerous (7 USS Enterprises have been lost) and has outdated 1960s technology.

History of the Soyuz Rocket

The launcher for the Soyuz rocket was first introduced in 1966 by a British undergraduate, Simon Jones, at Cambridge to make into a firework to celebrate the World Cup victory. A Russian KGB agent approached him the next day and recruited him to be a Russian spy (as was the trend for Cambridge students at the time). Jones handed over the rocket design to the KGB agent along with the secret of how to oppress the under classes.

The design was taken to the Russian Space Federation's mission control, located in a bunker under the Kremlin, and the rocket was built to be able to store five nuclear warheads and be fired across whole continents.

The rocket was then test-fired on Prague in 1968 to prevent an uprising against the Warsaw pact. Brezhnev claimed that he had used tanks instead to kill all the rebelious peasants as to appease the Americans as tanks are much more humane killing machines than missiles.

Rml
A black and white picture of the Russian Mars Landings.

It was used in 1968-1969 to send up a man to the Moon as part of the Space Race. The Russians were still confused on what the target was in the Space Race as they thought they had won it by sending the first man in to space but now the Americans claimed that it was not over. Therefore the Russians built the rocket to be able to fly to Mars just in case the Americams after landing on the Moon made that the target.

In April 1969 Russia launched Soyuz-R7 that would send the first man to Mars. It had two Russians on board who were to land the rocket on the surface and jump out to plant the Russian flag. The Russians achieved the landing on Mars, got out, planted the flag and claimed that the Space Race was over. However the Americans complained and they were disqualification for cheating by the UN on the grounds that the objective was to land the first man on the Moon and not Mars. Therefore the Russian Mars landings were invalid and even today the Western governments deny its existence.

Since then due to a poor Communist influenced economy the main rocket for the Russians has never been replaced and the same rocket is reused for each mission to keep costs low. in 1975 the Soyuz rocket and the American Apollo Rocket met up in space resulting in a huge explosion as the two missiles collided with each other. This had a huge impact on improving relations in the Cold War as it stopped both Moscow and Washington, D.C. from being obliterated.

Launch Stages

The first stage of the rocket consists of four big boosters filled with high explosive that send off a chain nuclear reaction thus creating the rocket's lift. This makes the Soyuz the only rocket in the World to be powered by nuclear energy after France cancelled their nuclear powered rocket programme as the workforce spent too many days on strike.

The second stage is one large rocket boosters to which the four boosters in stage one are connected to. This rocket booster doesn't actually work and is simply there to make the rocket look fierce so that when the enemy sees the missile coming towards them it looks like its got more power.

The final third stage is the so-called "capsule." It is a pill placed on top of the rocket so that if one of the cosmonauts ever feels space sick he or she can swallow the capsule which is filled with arsenic and kills him or her instantly in the name of Mother Russia. This is seen as an honourable way for a cosmonaut to perish instead of throwing up all over the dashboard.

Modern roles

RussianMafiaManiac2
The laser gun fitted to all Russian satelites made by Dr.Valinskinov (below).

Today the Soyuz Rocket's primary role is to transport people up to the ISS. However it does still maintain the role of Russia's primary reaction nuclear defence system ICBM.

When the ESA bought four Soyuz Rockets from the Russians they had to install seats on top of the rocket as the Russian version just had handlebars to cling on to, which were deamed to unsafe but the European Health and Safety Department. The ESA also installed a universal translator to each rocket which means that countdowns to launch take ten times as long in the ESA as each number has to be repeated in ten different languages just to be PC.

The Chinese variant of the Soyuz rocket transports Chinese politicians around China from place to place as to be transported in a rocket shows how rich and powerful you are. Having a private jet or helicopter is for poor people in the developed society of China. This leads to huge trails of radioactive waste being deposited all over China's beauty spots but the Chinese authorities don't think it has a big effect on the wildlife there as the factories have already polluted the rivers and fields with toxic waste so a bit of nuclear waste won't make a difference.

The Soyuz is also used to transport satelites up into space. When they do this the Russians attach a special microchip to the satelite so that once it is in orbit it can easily be hacked into by Russian satelites bringing the communication system in the World down. Lasers are also equipped to these satelites so that a Russian Mafia criminal can threaten to destroy certain monuments in the World unless he is given money or power.

Launch

In the launch sequence the Soyuz rocket is fired at a slant of ninety degrees in the direction of the USA so that if the launch fails at least the rocket would land on the USA and blow something up.

RussianMissionControl
Russian Mission Control.

The launch pad is constructed in the depths of Siberia and is made entirely from wood as there are many forests nearby. This is a fine exaple of how environmentally friendly the Russian Space programme is. Every time a rocket goes off a huge forest fire is caused when the launch pad is set aflame.

Mission control is situated in the Kremlin and dictates how the mission is run and the launch procedure. The Russian President/Primeminister/leader: Putin is present at every rocket launch to make sure that everybody knows what they are doing as he used to be a cosmonaut and is remembered as the first man in space.

To keep in line with the Russian reversal the countdown begins at 0 and ends at 10. The farming peasants who happen to be working near the rocket when it goes off run as fast away as they can and about thirty seconds after the initial take off the coamonaut's body, that couldn't stand the G-Force and let go of the handlebars provided, hits the ground, breaking the sound barrier and creating a terrifying boom sound that can be heard all the way over in Israel who mistake it for a Palestinian missile attack.

See Also

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