Soviet Unicorn
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The Soviet Unicorn is the only known mythical beast to have nationhood status granted by the UN. It is not to be confused with Stalin's pet unicorn and short-lived Soviet mascot Lenin. It enjoys plotting world domination, inspiring fear in minority groups, and playing with model train sets.
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[edit] History
In the year 2000, the Soviet Unicorn was created a sovereign state in a subclause proposed by US President Al Gore after a week of uninterrupted millennium revels at the UN HQ, with the immortal words
Unknown to environmentally conscious, turtle-headed Gore, he was actually reciting backwards an ancient incantation which, exactly six hundred and sixty-six years thence, had been employed by the FBI to bind Mistral the Communist Unicorn into the form of a rock. The assembled company found this crotch-clutchingly funny, especially Bill Clinton who had to leave in a hurry.
In fact, Mistral was the reincarnation of famed 'personality' Rolf Harris, sent into the past by an unfortunate but briefly entertaining cattle prod mishap. Centuries of gambolling in the forest playing with wizards and elves drove him insane, and he renounced cuddles, kisses and fairy glens for a bitter hatred of freedom, an insatiable lust for world domination and several shocking acts of cruelty and perversion towards small furry animals.
The Soviet Unicorn has now become a rallying point for the defeated forces of the Soviet Protection Comrades, although a number of prominent analysts have expressed concern as to how a unicorn - even a Soviet Unicorn - can constitude a point of any sort at all. Other analysts then expressed concern at the prominent warts on the necks of the first analysts, then said "oh sorry that's your head" and ran off giggling and guffawing.
Sadly it's all been downhill from there.
[edit] Photo-opportunities
This image was taken by a paparazzi photographer at the Soviet Unicorn's evil secret base in the unexplored, hostile wilds of deepest suburbia, protected by legions of undistinguished, indistinguishable commuters. The photographer's claim that this image amounted to conclusive evidence for alien landings was proved false when he accidentally horribly murdered himself with an undiscovered futuristic nuclear laser ray gun in a sealed locked underground room monitored by CCTV and surrounded by mysteriously amnesiac bodyguards.
[edit] Preferences
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Rules & Preferences
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In fact, despite malicious, delicious, Christmas rumours to the contrary, the Soviet Unicorn's preferences are jaw-gapingly, hedge-crushingly normal. It slightly prefers marmalade to jam and doesn't much like Marmite. It has no fashion preferences because it doesn't wear clothes, but if it did they would be unremarkable. As it is the only unicorn left, it is having a severe identity crisis over its sexual orientation. However, extensive research shows that this is normal too. The Soviet Unicorn considers itself part of the silent majority on all issues, but ironically unlike most members of silent majorities it keeps its fat mouth shut about it.
[edit] Opinions
The Soviet Unicorn has a large number of strikingly similar views about at least one thing. These include:
- 'Peace is the foundation of society',
- 'Foundations are the foundation of buildings',
- 'Peas are the foundation of very, very poorly constructed buildings',
[edit] Hobbies
Recent surveys show that the Soviet Unicorn is greatly enamoured of 99.4% of common hobbies, including amateur comedy for conjurors.
The Soviet Unicorn recently made a desperate bid to defeat, conquer and vanquish that dark power of our corrupt and sorry world, the unicycle. Disillusioned, it subsequently penned the following bitter lines:
Unicycling is a scam
With a hey, ho, and a hey nonny no
I fell in a puddle and caught a cough
With a hey, ho, and a hey nonny no
So I tried to 'find myself' buying cheap kitsch souvenirs and bumming round Vietnam
With a hey, ho, and a hey nonny no
Oh sod it I always bl**dy fall off.
These moving words so movingly moved noted poetry appreciation expert Adolf Hitler that he chipped a tooth and ordered the invasion of Poland, thereby making possible the Second World Pandemic of Patriotism.
[edit] System of government
The Soviet Unicorn is a totalitarian state. It is often required to take brutal and unpleasant measures to subdue itself and force itself to toe the Party line (see line dancing). Its role in spraining its ankle in late 2004 is under investigation as a possible act of attempted genocide.
