Soviet Onion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: "Onion is the Greatest" | |||||
| Anthem: "Horst Wessel Onioned" | |||||
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| Capital | Moscoleslaw | ||||
| Largest city | Moscoleslaw | ||||
| Official languages | Onion, Russian, Newspeak | ||||
| Government | Allium Cepan Republic | ||||
| Supreme Onion | Vladicole Putslaw | ||||
| Vice President | Master Chief | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Barack Obama | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 19:18 or 7:18 pm | ||||
| Currency | Rubble | ||||
| Religion | Onionic Methodist Church | ||||
| Area | 99999999km³ | ||||
The Soviet Onion was a vast geo-political entity that ruled the Earth from 19:18 until 19:89. The Onion was established by the leader of the Communards Party, John Lenin following an argument that he had had with an over-zealous passport official. Lenin, who was fond of vegetables, but particularly the onion, disposed with the Russian Royal Family by tricking them into believing that their Great Uncle Alf in Hartlepool had fallen ill with a severe case of nits. While they were out of the country visiting their uncle, Lenin made his move and took over the country, getting rid of all of the generals in the process. Next, along with his deputy Joseph Starling, Lenin set about persuading other nations to join his powerful new creation. Plenty of volunteer states applied including, Stanistan, U-Crane, Botslavia, Namibia, Skaro, Paris and The Welsh Congo but some others had to be 'persuaded' to join by the offering of copious amounts of luncheon vouchers and a free can of Tizer. Once all of the member states were officially declared to be joined, they all signed a binding agreement commonly known as The Coleslaw Pact, which decreed that all salad accompaniments produced in the nations included in the pact had to include onion of a least one kind, and preferably two.
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[edit] Pre-Prehistory
Scientists currently believe that the Soviet Onion was located on the western part of Pangea before the great Continental Shift occurred that capitalized all the letters.
[edit] Prehistory
Beneath the surface of The Soviet Onion a load of skeletons were once found. Scientists and boffins initially believed that they were some of the earliest inhabitants of the planet earth, but were dismayed to ultimately find that they had just in fact mistakenly dug up a graveyard that nobody had bothered putting a road sign up for. The boffins who made this error were discredited and lined up before a firing squad and killed.
[edit] Post-Prehistory
The Soviet Onion was eventually brought into notoriety in the world after that great big history lesson at the overview of this page. After reading it, then this section following, you realized that maybe you should have just read the overview and remained satisfied with that, because this sub-section of the history collective is shedding no light on the subject and just continuing to grow increasingly self-aware.
[edit] Okay, History
Just Kidding.
[edit] History
The most notable aspect of The Soviet Onion's history is the enmity that it had with its superpower rival: The United States of McAmerica. On more than one occasion the two powers were brought to the brink of war over both major and trivial international incidents. Once, in 1987, a nuclear war was almost launched when the Americanian leader, Ronnie Raygun found out that the Soviet leader Michael Zorbachov wouldn't come out to play. However, during World War Two, the two nations joined forces in a cunning move to help to defeat the evil forces of Adolph Hitler. After winning the war, the The Soviet Onion was awarded the prize of Beast Germany.
[edit] Geography
The Soviet Onion was such a large country that it was bigger than the sea. The geography of The Soviet Onion included land, water, mountains, valleys, ice-y bits, hot bits, vodka, and arid bits. The largest city and capital is Moscolesaw.
[edit] People
The Soviet Onion had a vast array of ethnic groups in its make-up, which given that the Onion comprised 348 nations at its peak was perhaps inevitable. The population was 34% Russian, 22% Kazakian, 18% Turnipian, 14% Morlock, 3% Syphillitic and at least one-fifteenth Welsh. Numerous other smaller groups were included too, with some of them comprising only 0.0001% of the overall population.
John Lenin was the most famous person ever to have emerged from The Soviet Onion. His reign was long and successful, but one event in his history was an unmitigated disaster. In 1955 he took a holiday to The United States of McAmerica and was unwittingly caught up in the McCartney witch-hunts. Lenin had to make a swift exit and return to his home territory to avoid being thrown into jail. Other famous leaders from the Onion include Lennard 'Pearce' Brezhnev, Andy Andropov and Constance Chernenko. Generally, the leaders didn't last very long and would usually die a few days after being given the job. Something to do with the atmosphere of the official residence of the leader, the Kremlin perhaps.
[edit] Wildlife
Elephants, Lions, Storks, Hamsters, and Boars did not exist in the Onion, but plenty of other creatures did. The most famous creature ever to have roamed on the territory that the Onion covered was the gibbon, which was found right across the land, but was particularly fond of hanging around stately homes in Novgorybodod. For 43 years Ants were banned from entering the country. Zedonks are very abundant in the Onion and are a favored dish. They are served in pie dishes and covered in a thick layer of ranch dip.
[edit] Politics
As was the norm for countries of the planet Earth during the 20th Century, The Soviet Onion was a dictatorship. Political parties were allowed though, albeit on the strict condition that they did not campaign, produced no political literature, didn't appear on television and had no members. The Soviet Onion had close ties with dozens of other countries in the world, such as Wherethefuckistan, Asia, South America and the Undersea Republic of Submarinia.
[edit] Economy
The economy of The Soviet Onion was rich and diverse, but by far the most successful trade that it was was in Moon Rockets. Soviet Moon Rockets were the best in the world and it was a Soviet Moon Rocket that appeared on the front of the great Tintin books Destination Moon and Explorers on the Moon. They were so good that hundred of customers bought them, including Luxembourg, The Galactic Federation, Lord Richard Branston and the Daleks. The Soviet Onion and The United States of Americania were also great rivals at building Moon Rockets, but the ones from Americania were not as good as they were made from cardboard while the Soviet ones were made from a secret strong metal that was discovered in the far east of the country, beneath a rock.
[edit] Currency
The currency of The Soviet Onion was the Rubble. This was introduced following the end of World War Won when Lennon discovered that a lot of buildings had been destroyed and that they had a lot of bits left over. By utilising the remains of the buildings, the nation immediately became very rich, and the streets got tidied up by enthusiastic people eager to get their hands on some of the new currency.
[edit] Sports & Pastimes
A favourite sport amongst the people of The Soviet Onion was turnip farming. Such was the popularity of turnip farming that The Soviet Onion attempted to have it introduced as an Olympic sport at the 1980 event, a move that resulted in them boycotting the event in a big huff. The Olympic Committee voted down this proposal though, saying that turnip farming was a utterly ridiculous sport to include in such a prestigious event. Instead they voted to include donkey wrangling.
[edit] The End of the Onion
Ultimately the glorious reign of the The Soviet Onion came to be in 19:89 following the fall of Berlin Church Hall. After some people in the Onion's area of influence got a bit fed up with it all they started a few protests and stormed Berlin Church Hall, which had marked the dividing line between Best Germany and Beast Germany, murdering the resident priest in a vicious rage and breaking bits off the church and throwing them. The citizens of eastern Europe were thus permitted to travel freely and sample life on the other side of the Ironed Curtain.
