Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet
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“Sworn enemies of all mankind.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet
The Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet is the most fearsome military asset of USSR, and later of Planet of Cute Little Defenseless Kittens and continued to exist until Five Seconds Until End Of Time. It is also known as the only military force that was strongly opposed to kitten huffing to its own end. This is probably the cause of the complete combat uselesness of the fleet.
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[edit] Beginnings
The Fleet as a unit was founded in 1905 by Russian Czar Nicholas II as a peacekeeper unit to prevent fuck-ups like 1905 Russian Revolution from happening again. Brilliant Russian engineers had discovered the ancient manuscript known as HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship and decided to use it construct the fleet, but the funding cut by evil bloodsucking capitalists resulted in a bunch of defective Venator-class Star Destroyers, though in the end it was decided that even the crap like this could make an impression on the peasants. Unfortunately, the fleet was way too peacekeeping and peaceful and became a bunch of stinking hippies by 1914, and did not take part in the World War I. After 1918, it was reorganized into Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet as we don't know it today, since they used some really weird alphabet and thus everyone who knew about their existence soon had their heads asplode. The main reason for this reorganisation was that Stalin needed someone to wear the new range of uniforms he had just designed, which afforded every member of the fleet +48 Cool Points, and thus compensate for the ships that couldn't even fly.
[edit] 1920-1991 - Wasted time and resources
[edit] They are STILL building it, so get lost!
Once again, the brilliant Russian engineers used HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship in an attempt to build the fleet up so it could serve its true purpose, but the funding cut from evil bloodsucking Eastasians Eurasians Oceanians Bolsheviks (it was them, honest!) capitalists resulted in a bunch of less defective, but still sucky Victory-class Star Destroyers (though this time the name was ideologically acceptable). Fortunately, the capitalist saboteurs were soon executed in a way so scary that Lenin died, and the construction of the fleet proceeded without delay, though the funding cut remained and prevented the Fleet from receiving the damn Federation Starships.
[edit] The First Exodus (sounds like some F-rate readable toilet paper name)
In 1939, it turned out that exiled Leon Trotsky had long planted his agents in the Fleet, and succeeded in hijacking it. Unfortunately, not a single ship in the Fleet was actually supposed to fly, let alone overcome the gravity and enter the open space, but since nobody had the guts to tell that to the crazy ruskies, all the ships successfully left Earth, with only four out of fifty being lost to ground fire (which consisted of 3 Mosin-Nagant rifles and the artifact Dzerzhinsky's Mauser) from Stalin's NKVD troops. Since Stalin knew that World War II was going to begin soon, he sealed a secret pact with Trotsky, in which the Fleet would remain under Stalin's command and the secret of its vulnerability would be kept secret (duh), in exchange for food, vodka, cheap crack whores and unlimited usage of Internet, as well as a guarantee of Trotsky's safety from assasins, videogame addiction and Goa Tse.
[edit] World War II and later
During WWII, the Fleet's objective was to destroy or cripple Nazi Germany's ground forces, but the orbital bombardment using the Grue Launchers turned out to be ineffective, since the Grues possessed powers of controlled fight and once launched, steered themselves to Jews and the Reds, resulting in massive casualties of the latter. Fortunately, 2 years later Stalin had enough dead bodies to form a giant sentence saying "Trotsky you damn fag quit the fkin TK'ing!" that could be seen from space, and the bombardment was aborted. Since Soviet troops tasted like Michael Jordan's feet after a long basketball match, the surviving Grues turned their attention on the Nazis, and the war was soon over, with Soviets being victorious since their NKVD squads executed the Grues (though modern historians dismiss this statement, saying that NKVD was not even nearly as tough to take on a single Grue, and prefer to think that Grues simply decided rather to commit suicide that eat another Russian). Following the war the Fleet remained unused, with only one occasion where the Grue Launchers were activated to attempt to destroy the Napalm Girl in Vietnam. Once again, this resulted in massive civilian casualties, though later the Grues drove out the Americans, since the evil bloodsucking imperialists were at least partially edible.
[edit] 1961-1991 and beyond - Simply fucking around the universe
In 1961, Soviets finally constructed a real spaceship, and launched Yuri Gagarin in it. While going near the Fleet, he accidentally told them that their ships were not supposed to be in open space. Shocked by that truth, half of the Fleet self-destructed, with other half desperately using the ancient HowTo:Construct a Federation Starship, orbital scrap, their own ships and unused Grues to build some real ships this time. Since there were no evil bloodsucking corrupt and arrogant illiterate bureaucrat bolshevik idiots capitalists and funding cuts in the orbit, but no Brilliant Russian Engineers either, the third attempt resulted in Battlestar Galactica series of ships, with most notable being Battlestar Potemkin (constructed when the fleet officials became fanboys of the similarly-named film), Battlestar Sovetskiy Soyuz and Battlestar Cthulhu. There were another 47 Battlestars constructed, but the command was too lazy to name them right away.
The construction of the 3rd Fleet was finished in 1991, and right before it was ready to use the new Eurg Launchers on the USA, USSR collapsed. Unable to accept this horrible fact, the Fleet vowed to never forget the teachings of Communism, and started their long nomadic journey to find a new home (presumably the 12 colonies of Kobol), slowly degenerating into Space Pirates in order to survive.
[edit] The Battle for Kitten Planet and 4th Refit of the Fleet
In year 3506, the Fleet (now a Space Pirate gang) was in deep stasis (since "drunken stupor" was decided to be uncool), when they caught a distress signal from the Planet of Cute Little Defenseless Kittens, which was going to be attacked by the Borg. Deciding to celebrate their 1601th anniversary by returning to their communistic ways of helping kittens (at the cost of humankind), the fleet gladly engaged the Borg. Leon Trotsky engaged the Borg personally aboard his new flagship, Battlestar Goldstein, but between 15 and 16th seconds of the battle, he was vaporized by Miniluv of Borg. The Borg then proceeded to attack the newly-found allies of the kittens, but 5 seconds later, the Non-Huffable Kitten himself appeared in his Unhuffable form, and another 2 seconds later, the Borg surrendered unconditionally.
The kittens much appreciated the help of SGBF, and offered them a shelter. Upon hearing about planet Earth and kitten huffing, Non-Huffable Kitten became so enraged that he dragged Stalin out of black hole he put him in, and offered SGBF restoration of USSR in return for destruction of kitten huffing. The Kitten High Council decided to rebuild the fleet again. When Stalin objected that there were no funding cuts, or Brilliant Russian Engineers here, the Non-Huffable Kitten simply condemned him to hell. Using the same old way of building starships, SGBF and kittens finally managed to build real Federation Starships, and thus after 1601 years after its creation, the Fleet finally achieved real combat capabilities. The Non-Huffable Kitten, and his second-in-command Partially Huffable Kitten (who turned out to be Stalin's brain in a kitten), assembled the fleet, reinforced it with kittens, Battlemech Teams, human clones and Clinjas, along with fresh shipments of Grues and Eurgs (latter remained on older Battlestar-class ships since Federation Starships are too cool for some Grue ripoffs). After running a tactical simulation of the invasion of Earth in Zork, the Fleet decided that victory was assured, despite getting eaten by Grues on move 5.
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[edit] World War XVI...I...II...something
When the fleet arrived back to Earth in 3512, they discovered that Earth had consolidated into Great Empire Of Wikipedia and People's Republic of Uncyclopedia, along with numerous protectorates like Kingdom of Wikiquotes, Dusty Duchy of Wikibooks and others on Wikipedian side, and People's Protectorate of Absurdopedia (since it was lead by Darth Hirohito and Cthulhu, it was the only Uncyclopedia-allied state that survived the initial Wikipedian onslaught). At the time of SGBF invasion, both sides have been at war with each other, known as World War XVII. This was the bloodiest war ever know to mankind, since it included use of horrible weapons like page reverts, vandalism, grue bombardments, kitten- (and, in some desperate cases, puppy-)huffing, with people being eaten by Cthulhu, quoted to death by Oscar Wilde or zergling lemming rushed by Jimbo Wales, and other war atrocities.
The Fleet started their invasion by massive orbital bombardment of Tasmania. 3 Grues dropped there decimated its population in a matter of seconds, and Australia immediately sided with SGBF as a token of their gratitude, providing them with a base to continue their invasion. Large armies have been dropped all over the globe, mainly on Cuba, USA, Brazil and Vietnam. Surprisingly, none of the drops reached Russia. There is only one intercepted transmission that spills some light on the case and has survived to this day.
“We're not afraid of Cthu...(transmission ends abruptly)”
~ SGBF Mech Team on their invasion of Russia
“Yummy.”
~ Cthulhu on SGBF Mech Team
Ok... so maybe we know what happened to them.
The invasion was initially succesful, as Non-Huffable kitten finally brought Anti Kitten Huffing Movement out of hiding, providing the Fleet with a source of unlimited cannon fodder.
SGBF overran Wikipedian troops early in the war, leaving only Jimbo's basement and attic under their control, and even succeeded in defeating Cthulhu by attacking him with a Grue and Eurg at the same time - since the beasts are complete opposites, they formed a giant anti-matter rift, that sucked Cthulhu in along with newly-rebuilt Atlantis, leaving Cthulhu to fight Barney the Dinosaur eternally for control of nothing. But soon the invasion was crippled by its lack of its own Encyclopedia, and thus was unable to resist edits on this page, and as the Fleet was about to settle down in reconquered Russia, Oscar Wilde and the Great Army of Uncyclopedia arrived to exact vengeance. In an apocalyptic battle that destroyed thousands of articles, Oscar Wilde non-huffed the Non-Huffable Kitten, thus temporarily disabling its non-huffability. But since powers of Absolutely Huffable Kitten were still more than enough, Oscar had to perform a twin huff with Chuck Norris. Left without their glorious leader, the Fleet was about to be blasted to smithereens by Uncyclopedians, when thought-to-be-defeated Jimbo Wales unleashed his secret weapon - the Global Revert Usage Enforcer, also known as G.R.U.E. Then he reverted the whole planet with it back to archaic period.
[edit] 3rd Exodus and Glorious Return
Since living on a planet made of lava and volcanoes was a bit uncomfortable, all major factions escaped to Mars, including the remains of the Fleet. Since it lost 70% of its ground forces and 40% of the spaceships along with their leader, Vice Admiral Partially Huffable Kitten decided to set up a shop on Mars and await the return of Non-Huffable Kitten, whom they believed to be alive. They held on for nearly 200 years, battling wild Grues, savage Ewoks and rogue Clinjas, until the Non-Huffable Kitten finally returned in 3709. By striking a deal with Uncyclopedian survivors, the hastily rebuilt from cannibalised ship parts SGBS Three Revert Rule returned to Earth and reverse-engineered the G.R.U.E., returning Earth back to normal. Since it didn't bring back the people, the Fleet was allowed to finally reestablish USSR on Earth under leadership of Partially Huffable Kitten, while Non-Huffable Kitten left the planet with SGBF elite guard and two ships, SGBS Happy Endings and SBGS Suck Ass, to find and bring Leon Trotsky back to life and with his help put an end to This Guy (Whom Non-Huffable Kitten saw as a source to the whole kitten-huffing crap), who was believed to be hiding somewhere near Arrakis.
[edit] Ship Classes used by the Fleet
[edit] Battleships:
Venator Class Star Destroyer: First Ship Class. Due to worthless engineering(added with the communist rule of using cheap, worthless metals), absolutely crap.
Victory Class Star Destroyer: Once again, the Soviets screwed up on a ship. No wonder the Republic got rid of these.
Battlestars: They were getting closer with this one. Still sucks.
Federation Starships: The only at least half-decent ship ever built for them.
[edit] Fighters:
Yak: The first fighter. Is really a prop built for World War II
La: Another prop, though some killed one Wikipedian before being destroyed.
MiG: The first real fighter. Still sucks.[Mig's are the best]
| The Huffers of Today Are The Criminals Of Tomorrow!. | |
| Kittens | |
|---|---|
| The Non-Huffable Kitten - The leader of the team and the most powerful kitten in the universe. | The Partially Huffable Kitten - The laughing stock of the group and the first animal to have a brain transplant. |
| Groups and Events | |
| Anti Kitten Huffing Movement (AKHM) - The group that took the first stand against kitten huffing. | Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet - The first attempt to cross a kitten and communism, which resulted in destruction of Earth. |
| Articles Of Warning | |
| Extreme Kitten Huffing: Addictions - Information about huffing and what it does to you. | Terminal Huffer's Syndrome - Please read if you want to avoid a disease that is possibly the most terrible, unthinkable disease of 2007. |
