Southport

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Lord Street Gardens
Lord Street, Southport.

Southport is a Lancashire seaside town in Merseyside UK some 16 miles north of Liverpool. It was named ironically as it is neither in the south nor a port. The people of Southport are called Sandgrounders. They are so called as the locals have a long tradition of breaking down large boulders into smaller rocks still smaller rocks then pebbles and after many centuries grains of sand.

Southport in its modern form dates from the 18th century although it was during the 19th century that the town became a tourist resort (not to be confused with the last resort). The local newspaper ‘The Southport Visiter’ listed all the visitors to the town who complained about the paper’s spelling mistake.

Tourism

Pierre Head
A Bony Part

One of the many visitor attractions was the Southport Pierre aka Napoleon 111 of France. Louis-Napoléon Bonaparte lived in exile on Lord Street, between 1846 and 1848, before returning home.

A further attraction is the Farmer's Market held on the last Thursday of every month on Chapel Street. Here farmers from all over the UK can be purchased at very competitive prices.

For those who enjoy a long walk spoiled, Southport has a number of golf links including the Royal Birkdale Golf Club, Southport Old Links, the Hesketh Golf Club, Hillside Golf Club, the Southport & Ainsdale Golf Club and the Volkswagen Golf Club.

A Model Railway Village is situated in Kings Garden. An earlier model village, the Land of the Little People, was demolished in the late 1980s. The residents, descendents of leprechauns who sailed from Ireland in their Guinness bottle tops are still pursuing a case for wrongful dismissal. Some little people however, have found work in Southport restaurants as they make the portions look bigger.

Southport boasts one of the UK’s few lawnmower museums... there is really nothing more to say.

The Southport Comedy Festival attracts performers from all over the world (Malawi, Ireland, Canada, Scotland, Iran and Germany) although jokes in Malawian, Iranian and German tend not to attract many laughs.

There is little provision in Southport for ballroom dancing since the Ainsdale based Moulin Rouge dance hall closed. The Mooly as it was known was a popular venue for young people wishing to meet in convivial circumstances. It is said that many a young man has gone to the Moulin Rouge and met the girl who has made him happy, one or two have met their wives as well.

Southport Environs

De Havilland Chipmunk
A De Havilland Chipmunk

Sand dunes stretch south between the suburbs of Birkdale and Woodvale. Local fauna include the Crackerjack Toad (Crackadalea Calamitus), (not to be confused with the Natterjack Toad (Epidalea calamita)).

Woodvale’s aerodrome is the site of the first parachute descent by a blind man and the first time anyone has heard a Labrador scream.

Woodvale is also home to the University Air Squadron providing free flying lessons to students pretending that on graduation they are going to join the RAF. In the 1960’s the trainer of choice was the De Havilland Chipmunk. This plucky North American rodent could often be seen performing aerobatics in the sky above Southport. Following complaints from the RSPCA Chipmunks have now been replaced by Bulldogs.

The nearby dunes are the basis of the Dune saga by Frank Herbert a science fiction series where characters seek out the mysterious flavour Melange, which was only to be found in Luigi’s ice cream parlour.

Education

Southport College offers higher education courses in conjunction with; amongst others Edge Hill University situated just outside Ormskirk. Edge Hill University was built on the former Roman Settlement Coitus Interruptus hence obtaining a qualification from this institution is referred as ‘getting off at Edge Hill’.

Speed record

In 1925, Henry Segrave set a world land speed record of 152 mph on Southport beach, driving a Sunbeam Tiger. His record was subsequently exceeded by a jet powered Morris Minor Series 2 (the one with the split windscreen) in 1958. The driver was subsequently nominated for a Darwin Award.

Cycling

The beach is very popular with cyclists and is the start of the Trans Pennine Trail. An investment in cycling in Southport has provided cyclists with cycle lanes and training in jumping red lights, ignoring stop signs and giving two fingers to any motorists who get in their way.

Global Warming, Climate Change, Weird Weather or Whatever

Modern Day Southport
Modern Day Southport

Parts of Southport are barely above sea level. The Sandgrounders failure to propitiate Man Bear Pig by sacrificing Al Gore has now resulted in the town being flooded to a depth of 30 feet.

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 29 January 2014
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/29 January 2014Template:FA/2014</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects