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Southram1

Scenic end of Southowram.

Southowram is a small village located in West Yorkshire, England. It is set on top of the largest hill in all of Calderdale and as such is usually windy as chuff. It currently has a population of 4,320, rising to about 6,200 if you include all the dead cats. For anyone living south of the Watford gap, all you need to know is that it’s "up north" so the chances of you ever visiting there are about the same as England winning the World Cup. And if you did, the natives would probably just eat you anyway.

Historic SouthowramEdit

Southowram was established in 1892 by Jack Spratter, a local pigeon hustler with a pathological hatred of fat people. His plan was to establish a community on top of a hill so steep that anyone with more than a 32-inch waist would probably die of a heart attack whilst trying to walk there. However, he didn't figure on the invention of the automobile which somewhat ruined the plan.

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Southowram.

Modern SouthowramEdit

Southowram currently has a demographic typical of the Yorkshire region, i.e. a load of people who’d rather not have to live near each other but can't really be bothered to move, and are otherwise brought together by a collective dislike of anyone who doesn't own a flat cap (especially "southerners" who are mostly responsible for everything wrong with the country, and the price of beer). Traditional employment in the village consists of roles such as butcher, baker and candlestick maker. Most current residents work in the service sector with growth particularly strong in areas such as posting on Facebook, discussing bus times and complaining about the amount of dogshit on the paths.

The village contains Withinfields Primary school which is in the Guinness Book of Records for having the worlds smallest car park (which also doubles as the main road through the village). This is a feature of some local note, and every morning approximately 1.3 million people drive through the village to witness the "unloading of the children", an age-old tradition that goes back at least 300 years when parents would travel past the school on horse and cart and throw their kids over the school wall whilst on their way to work.

The area is famous locally for hosting the its own version of the winter Olympics, most notably the "destruction derby slalom" which is held every year down Southowram Bank. Contestants only need to give short notice before entering the competition (usually about 3 seconds). Points are awarded in various categories, such as: mph above the speed limit when entering the road, number of barrel rolls / flips achieved before coming to a halt and total damage caused in terms of £. Last year's winner was Ben Dover who couldn't seem to decide which route to take (Southowram Bank for high-level difficulty or Beacon Hill for beginners) and instead crashed his Audi A3 directly into the junction wall at the top of the hill. This was the first time this approach had been seen by the judges who awarded him first place for technical creativity.

Local governmentEdit

Southowram falls under the jurisdiction of Calderdale Metropolitan Borough Council who currently have plans to flatten the village and turn it into a giant multi-storey car-park for the rest of Halifax. However, due to the Council's seeming inability to find the village on the map or send a bus/dustbin truck to the village with any degree of reliability, local sentiment seems unconcerned about the prospect of the bulldozers turning up any time soon. Other items in the Councils Local Plan that may affect the village include a ban on children over 3 foot tall attending Withinfields school (in order to increase classroom capacities) and solving the traffic problem by digging up the main road through the village and replacing it with a giant catapult.

AccessEdit

Access is via one of three main roads: Beacon Hill (steep), Brookfoot Lane (very steep) or Southowram Bank (cliff face). Southowram is currently served by the #571 bus, which has a timetable based on the return of Halley's Comet.

Local features/attractionsEdit

Beacon Hill: local high point and home to a signal beacon which is basically a giant wastepaper basket on a stick. Currently used as a warning system in case anyone from Siddal is spotted approaching the village.

Trooper Lane: a short and steep cobbled road (0.4 miles, 1/5 gradient) leading from Halifax into the village. It is famous amongst cyclists (i.e. people too cheap to buy a car) as being one of the hardest climbs in the known universe. It is also frequently used by people who want to commit euthanasia but who can't afford the airfare to one of those death clinics in Sweden.

The "Blue" Shop: the local convenience store, so called because it's a shop. And it's blue. Local folklore has it that the owner is actually a spy from the nearby village of Northowram and was placed in the village to keep an eye on the locals. However, since the shop is the only reliable source of toilet paper in the village, no-one dare make accusations in case the owner runs off and leaves everyone literally in the shit.

Shibden Hall: located along Halifax Road a short walk from the village, Shibden Hall is a large pile of stones with car parking. It is a popular day out for people who like paying £20 for a cup of coffee and floating around a lake whilst being attacked by psychotic ducks.

West Lane: a set of traffic lights that occasionally pretends to be a road. Opens and closes with greater frequency than Cleopatra's legs.

Local groupsEdit

Southowram has its own Ramblers Walking Group which is mostly made up of the old, the unemployed, those on the run from the law and a horse called Kevin. What is less widely known is that the Ramblers badge is a cover for the group's true purpose – a local militia based on the TV show "Dad's Army" and which patrols the demilitarized zone between Southowram and Siddal. These two areas are still technically at war since the Peace Accords signed in the Pack Horse in 2007 was an armistice, not an actual peace treaty. However since no-one from Siddal can actually be bothered to walk up the hill to start a fight there has been no resumption of hostilities since then.