Southmead

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Southmead is a modestly sized council estate in the city of Bristol (South West In-Ger-Land). It has stood in its current location for many years now but was, for a short period, slightly further to the left. Southmead housing stock is mostly 1930s red brick and there are some fine examples of highly fortified drug dens to be seen on many of the shoddy excuses for streets present in this locale.

edit Population

Meader

Southmead super model 'Ar Wayne' is ready for his close up.

The local population (known by most Africans as 'Meaders') is entirely comprised of:

  1. Shambling ape like males sporting chunky fake gold chains and badly fabricated Burberry baseball caps, and;
  2. Violent bovine females who maintain the social order of the community by screaming pointless abuse at their shaven headed, snot nosed, young whilst slapping them round the 'ed with fists like slabs of frozen pork.

Many of the mistaken attempts at properly gauging the population of The Mead have failed due to the insistence of the survey staff on only counting human beings. At present the true figure has been accurately estimated at being between 500 and 14.3. Population levels tend to surge to two or three times the unknown figure on Wednesdays, although the reasons for this are not understood. It is thought that the ultimate future population of Southmead will be 1 (see Future below).

edit Historical Context

Southmead has been referred to several times in the documents of the ancient world. The Dead Sea Scrolls frequently draws comparisons between Southmead and prophesies of cosmic terror. One is forced to muse on the incredible foresight displayed by these early internet bloggers. Indeed Christ's own words (as he died upon the cross) "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do" were an early reference to the boss-eyed 1930s estate planners who were responsible for building The Mead. They have blood on their hands!

Hitler

Hitler: Vegetarian visionary (dead meat)

This dystopian society was first fully imagined and fairly portrayed by the Vegetarian, Adolf Hitler, in his lengthy and slow witted ramblings published under the title of Mein Kampf-site. The vision first came to him in bed, after an epic feast of Aryan cheese and National Socialist Carrots. He is reported to have sat bolt upright and shouted "Southmead is der Vanker Stadt!!" and called for his lick-spittle scribe. Since this period Meaders have evolved into the above mentioned parodies of humanity.

edit Science

Standard of England

The Standard of England. No irony was intended in the naming of this establishment

At present no photographic evidence of the existence of Southmead exists since most modern technology fails to operate in the toxic environment that is the Southmead estate. Google Maps simply represents this area as a yawning hellish chasm bearing the legend "Here be Dragons". Proof of this astounding and highly dubious fact is present in random places on this page.

Einstein, the infamous German pimp, often stayed in the Standard of England estate pub whilst ruminating on the structure of the cosmos. Regulars would often see him arguing with the barman on the Special and General Theories of Relativity and prices for the second rate services of his harem of prostitutes. The Great Pimp went on to successfully pass himself off as a man of learning through the use of dark demonic powers drawn from a toothless old crone who still lurks within Greystoke Avenue; a river of burning cars that passes through the centre of Southmead.

edit The Future

The future of Southmead is commonly held to be under threat due to the ever shrinking genetic variation of the populous. Current extrapolations of recorded infant mutations indicate that within 20 years Southmead will collapse into a shrieking, writhing mass of fleshy chaos, not unlike the imaginings of the writer H P Lovecraft. Some believe that this may have already occurred.

There are many other theories regarding the fate of The Mead although it must be said that most are of no value whatsoever and/or assume a certain misguided optimistic tone. The only thing that is certain is that the brooding presence of Southmead will continue to exercise a malign influence over the human race for an indeterminate period of time. A fact world leaders (such as the Milk Monitor at St Teresa’s Primary School in Horfield, Bristol) would do well to bear in mind.

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