Southern United States
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Confederate States of America
|Motto: 'Semper Jimcrowus'|
|Anthem: Dixie Uber Alles by Jimmy Banjo Hitler|
|Official language(s)||Southernese,Ebonics(where allowed)|
|National Hero(es)||Robert E. Lee, Rupert Murdoch,Fred and Shirley Phelps Hitler, Pat Robertson|
|Established||1861 (from Haydes)|
|Currency||Wal-Mart merchandise, []|
|Religion||Church of the Pigskin and Snake Handling Baptists|
“Them Whiteys hate dat good there African Lovin' Theeeeey can't Handle the African Lovin'”
“My whole worls had been turned upside down, Up is black, South is white.”
“If I owned the south and hell, I would live in hell and rent out the south.”
The Southern United States, officially known internationally as the People's Republic of White Trash and Jesusland, as well as Dumbfuckistan or Shitforbrainsylvania, constitutes a distinctive sewage-drainage area covering a large portion of the Fourth Reich. Due to the region's unique bestiality and lynching heritage, the South has developed its own customs, forms of illetterracy, and musical styles (such as square dancing and butt-scratchin while hoppin around). The South has also been prominently involved in numerous cultural attainments enjoyed by the United States as a whole, including slavery, eating fried chicken and cow tipping.
The south includes the theocracy of Georgia where important domestic material products originate. These include homosexuals, Republicans, and semi automatic guns for Republicans to kill said homosexuals. Dalton, GA is the largest carpet manufacturing plant in the universe, but none of the carpet is available in colors remotely attractive to anyone not living in a trailer due to the absence of aforementioned homosexuals.
Collectively, the southern United States consume almost 423% of the world's crystal Methamphetamine, which is in fact no more than a cunning ploy to save money on the part of southerners as the region paradoxically also produces some 423% of all meth manufactured worldwide. This figure can climb even higher if any event involving Nascar racing is being broadcast over the radio.
Southern sheriffs routinely arrest drivers who do not display Confederate license plates and who are suspected of loyalty to the United States, which Southern preachers and jihadists routinely condemn from their pulpits as "The Great Satan." In recent years, Southern suicide bombers have appeared in Yankee cities, eating so many fistfuls of greasy gristle that the bombers explode, destroying entire KFC outlets near the former site of the World Trade Center.
Despite this insurgency, which has been ongoing since the North invaded the South on April 12, 1861, U.S. President George W. Bush has continued to insist that the Union must "stay the course" and continue to keep troops in the South until the "mission is accomplished" and the South is shucks-and-awed into being "free, independent, and democratic." Critics who have never considered this a viable outcome have called instead for the much more successful invasion of Iraq, where indeed American values are much better understood than in the foreign and inaccessible hills and hollers of the South.
The only institution of higher learning in the entire South is the appropriately named University of the South, formerly a ping-pong table with three extant legs.
dumbass southerners dont have a geography class
All residents of the Southern United States find immigrants to be immoral and/or just plain wrong. The unknown fact is that while the Southerner believes this, he is mindraping himself because he believes, all Mexicans can have a prupose in the grand ol' US of, EH?!?
Yes, the Southerner has no problem with his "Southan Brotha Mexicans" as long as they know how to do one or more of the following:
- Line up hedgerows.
- Find marijuana.
- Just be around to say some funny shit. . . .
- Directly translate "spanglish" quotes from movies.
- Obey their white masters.
Southern American English is a dialect of pidgin cracker English spoken throughout the South. Southern American English can be divided into different sub-dialects, such as hillbilly, low-income, drunken slurring, wigger, cuntry, and gibberish. The dialect spoken to various degrees by many African Americans, African American Vernacular English (AAVE), shares many similarities to the screeches and mumbled pleas of men, women, and children being viciously whipped by plantation overseers, Christian ministers, and Yankee basketball coaches.
Modern progress in the Region
In the last two generations, the South has changed dramatically. After two centuries in which the region's main economic engine was agriculture, the South has in recent decades seen a boom in unemployment, laziness, and living off Northerners' taxes. The collapse of the Southern economy in 1865 lasted only until the collapse of the Southern economy in 1965. Should the Southern economy collapse again, white Southerners have all of the names and addresses of black folks in every town and will drive them (for free!) directly to the cotton fields. Thus, it is not true that there has been no improvement in race relations.
In many ways Texas has one foot in the South and one foot in Hell, though the South is hotter. Most Uhmurkans would probably claim that both feet of the average Texan are planted firmly up his ass, right next to his head. The major villages of Texas, such as Houston and Dallas, have a very culturally homogeneous white-bread population, including Republicans and Christians and thousands of others who plotted the assassination of John F. Kennedy but were never caught. Many Americans from other parts of the U.S. have also moved to Texas upon being paroled by prisons in their home regions. Generally, East Texas maintains a southern influence, while the rest of the state is in fact part of Mexico. In terms of regional identity, however, a vast majority of Texans view Nazi Germany as a cultural vanguard and would identify themselves as Texans rather than homo sapiens. Homo sapiens is shot on sight in Texas. Guts 2 b 1 of them chaps. What wif? A pancake launcher?
Dixie's relationship with the rest of the world
In current international diplomacy, most Continental European powers pursue a policy of neutrality between the South and the United States, meeting informally with Southern tapdancers and New Orleans prostitutes but withholding official diplomatic recognition of Southern independence. In its place, Europeans and other civilized peoples apply international law principles that recognize the Northern and Southern states as two varieties of paranoid narcissism.
The exception here is with Britain, and The Vatican (since many Southerners were at least Catholic at some point), who fund the CSA in hopes of someday cripling the Union, whom the Brits call "the Colonies", and The Vatican "The Infedels". There has also been recent new found love affair with Germany for the past 50 years, which has significantly altered the South's relationship with some former allies (specifically Mexico and their former Jewsh membership).
While the United States has considered recognizing Southern independence, it has not done so, principally out of fears that Canada would be the next region to secede from the United States. The government of California, an independent nation on the West Coast of North America, allows both Confederate and U.S.-based fried-chicken restaurants to operate openly within its borders, so long as they are staffed exclusively by illegal immigrants from Mexico.
More-on Southern Pride
The South prides itself on its noble and highly moral history. While some allege otherwise, it is firmly believed that they did indeed win the Civil War, evidenced by the fact that Southerners are the only citizens undereducated enough to be elected President of the United States and the fact that Alabama still has a Confederate flag on its state flag. Like the North with its affection for British tea, the South has a strong affection for its own brand, Cococola. Like the British before them, the Southerners enjoy taking over sovereign nations in order to satisfy their demands for Iraqi Kentuckistan Fried Chicken wings. An example of southern pride said on the Golden Girls by Blanche's dead husband George:"It's the same southern pride that kept me from being a dancer."
- Principal imports: lobotomy saws, nooses, extra-large pants, hurricanes, false teeth, blonde hair dye, and double wide trailers
- Principal exports: Cotton,Moonshine,KKK recruiters, and Bible Belts made from the tanned hides of lynched scientists.
- Principal industries: Incestual Relationships, Hillbilly Handfishing, and Douchebag Manufacturing.