Southern Football League (South Australia)
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The Southern Football League (SFL) is an Australian rules football league in South Australia.
Once it was a very strong league, but then it let the Townie clubs join from down the hill and they broke it.
For the first 60 years, Willunga ran the competition. Some years there were no other teams to play against so they just declared themselves the Premiers. Willunga left because they did not like travelling north of the Onkaparinga River. These days the league is run by the O'Sullivan Beach-Lonsdale club, headed up by the General. As there are now lots of clubs, they declare themselves the Wooden Spooners instead.
edit Member Clubs
Aldinga was a founding club at formation of the League in 1886. Originally playing in black and white colours, their current colours are black and gold. They are known as Willunga Thirds. Their most famous player is Shane Crawford and their best singer is Sam Newman.
Prior to Shane Crawford, the most significant player was the chosen one, quite simply known as "Shrive". It is thought that Shrive was so tough, he could yawn with his eyes open - he found sneezing with his eyes open a little hard.
In later years, it would become public knowledge that when the boogy man went to bed, he checked his closet for Shrive as that is his common location.
Aldinga host cave parties for club functions and have a very large cutlery drawer, but it is overloaded with spoons.
edit Brighton District and Old Scholars
Brighton contains the highest percentage of hairdressers in the SFL. The playing group exude much talent and skill at the obscure sport of Curling. Their B-Grade used to be "coached" by a strange looking man that resembled a walrus. Brighton needs a sponsor. If it were like Brighton Cement, it could harden up the players, so that they would stop whinging.
edit Christies Beach
Christies Beach are known as the Saints and are a shadow of their former self. Much like Richmond Football Club in the Australian Football League, Christies Beach start each season with much fanfare and just miss the finals. When they occasionally do make finals, they also resemble Richmond in finals and lose.
The club is inundated with Rangas and hold 'red pride' marches annually down Beach Road. Some of their Rangas can play ok, but there is too much of a good thing.
Cove was founded in 1984 and is located at Hallett Cove. Their colours are red, white and blue. Their nickname is The Cobras. Cove worship a big, cute cobra and pray to it on a regular basis.
Cove are especially known as one of the most culturally significant clubs in the Southern League. On joining the club, members agree to relinquish their existing religious affiliations and are inducted into the worship of the serpent. One important ritual for this cult group is the "Feeling of the Venom", this is performed after a victory on the football field and involves bowing and genuflecting a statue of three snakes entwined, participants chant "Feel the Venom". The statue is lit from behind by electric lights and is proceeded by three candles. In 2008 a special ceremony was held to celebrate the A-Grade premiership lasting 36 hours of constant chanting and bowing, some members were seen to be speaking in tongues about the Vick Viper and the Ramsay Surp.
The Edwardstown Football Club joined the SFL in 2009. They play in a velodrome and local rules allow one player from each team to use a bicycle pump during games for any purpose.
edit Flagstaff Hill
Flagstaff Hill is nicknamed the Falcons . Originally began as Brighton Methodist, and after some debate decided to move to Flagstaff Hill, and thus became the Flagstaff Hill Bushpigs. They are the family club and they play for fun only. Rejoice in success at Junior levels but do not have the moxie to mix it at Senior Level. Since the Bushpig name went and the Falcon was introduced they have gone downhill. Should really be known as the Seagulls playing on an old rubbish tip. Have harsh wailing or squawking and scavenge opportunistically which is what they do in junior ranks. Will never win an A Grade premiership in the future as all their players are soft and drop a grade to win Reserves premierships.
Hackham are known as the Hawks or Noarlunga Brown. They wear the colours Brown and Gold because their home ground, Hackham Oval was a former sewage treatment works and these colours were seen to be most appropriate to reflect their history and origins. They do not win games and continue to search for excuses and blame most other clubs for their demise.
edit Happy Valley
Happy Valley FC are the most backward club in the SFL. They live in Viking times and have yet to discover the internet. They also enjoy prancing to and from the field holding onto each other's blouses. They want to live a life of danger.
They stole their club song from Flagstaff Hill. The highlight of the season is their Major Raffle, this involves them arguing and fighting amongst their members, but they generally get it done for a small profit with the need for only a few public stonings.
The Marion Football Club was formed in 1891 and was originally known as Sturt Football Club. They have pokies but do not make any money somehow. They like to hold horse races and play in the sand. Occasionally they try to play football, but they are not very good at it.
edit Morphett Vale
Morphett Vale was originally established in 1898. There were some interruptions during its history due to temporary mergers with other clubs and stoppages for world wars but the club has run continuously since 1883.
During the 1990's and 2000's their star player, who mimicked a "Prancing Horse" while running, went from having 100 goals kicked on him to becoming a "Superstar" in the London metro competition. During this period also it was not uncommon to see Michael Johnson running the boundary in preparation for the Olympic games. During this same period a large T-Rex was also seen in the centre square putting his small arms up and yelling at players. Their greatest club legend is Tony Meekins.
Their oval has been argued possibly the worst oval in the SFL. Full-backs have been know to kick goals from kick outs, players are constantly pulling out three corner jacks for weeks after they play there, and the CFS are constantly interrupting games responding to clouds of smoke resonating from the southern scoreboard hill.
edit Morphettville Park
Morphettville Park is situated in Morphettville Park and was founded in 1958. Their Colours are Red & Yellow (which are possibly the absolute worst colours ever known to man) and are nicknamed the Twisties. They play on a pastie and opposition coaches are always heard to be telling their players "don't kick it to the pocket". The Twisties also have the World Record Holder of Australian Rules Football games played in their fraternity. Geoff Hardy finally called it a day after 1283 games when he finally got a kick. Great Stuff!
Noarlunga FC are known as the $hoes or Hackham Blue and are habitual underachievers. They are based in Old Noarlunga and train in the ruins of the burnt-down Horseshoe Inn. Sometimes their players are heard to say "Go Hawks" on the field before quickly correcting it to "Shooies".
They are known to suck struggling teams dry of all talent, but still choking in finals anyway.
Rumors have it Grassy the greenkeeper doesn't only keep the corellas off the oval, but is quite the horticulturalist.
Many opposition teams have been exposed to Asbestos in the Noarlunga changerooms. Noarlunga have always been a plodder team, never really achieving much over 100 years - but they plan to change all that once the Asbestosis kicks in and they become a powerhouse once more. They are known to have strange methods of fundraising, unfortunately they waste this money on hacks from Hackham and Lonsdale.
In 2014, the General awarded Noarlunga the Premiership for writing the best application for points. They were given 43 player points so that they can recruit more players from Lonsdale. They have also bought an airline which they use to fly players down from the Northern Territory each week.
edit O'Sullivan Beach-Lonsdale
The Lonsdale Lions gave up their home ground to move to an industrial estate with no residents. Nobody quite understands why they exist. Lonsdale have become a development club for the Noarlunga FC since Hackham FC were no longer providing as many quality players for the $hoes. Lonsdale do not field juniors because their only players are Noarlunga-reject hacks. They are Lions, hear them roar. Their former coach used to run like a crab and was a bit of a "tough guy".
Notable Players: Leon Hanson is known to be the toughest player in the SFL, Larry has laid out some of the biggest names in the SFL with his bone shattering hip and shoulders. He also has a face only a mother could love. Hanson is also regarded as the most athletic player in the SFL - he's lightning fast and can leap like a frog!
edit Port Noarlunga
The Port Noarlunga play in a swamp infested with mosquitos and rats. Their clubrooms have been condemned five times and the tennis club is the only modern building at their location. In spite of this, their ground is one of the best to watch football at, with wide open spanning areas for ample car parking. The oval has been a major cause of pollution to the nearby Onkaparinga River due to fertiliser seepage and the traditional blessing of the ground after Grand Final victories (Port Noarlunga Oval was used as the Grand Final venue for the SFL for many years). In recent years Port Noarlunga have been known for their mob-like violent fans and high speed chases (eg Round 5 2008).
The Grand Final is now played at the sterile environment of the South Adelaide Football Club where league officials can stop everyone from bringing their own BBQs, Eskies and Piss. Gone are the days of people trekking through the swamp lands getting covered in vile Onkaparinga mud, carrying eskies to avoid paying a $5 entrance fee.
For a while they have played ok, but since B-Grade celebrity Ryan Fitzgerald has left the club they are now nothing but another club making up the numbers. Have the most one eyed supporters in the competition.
Reynella are known as the Wineflies or Mozzies. They used to wear bridesmaid dresses and didn't win A-Grade Premierships because it was much easier to win them in the Reserves and Junior grades. Their fortunes changed when the great man Simon came and saved them.
Their main game-plan is to squeeze the life out of their opponents in the change-rooms before the game. With each visit to Reynella Oval, the walls in the visitors room gradually compress. At the moment there is only room to stand 15 players. It is estimated that by 2016, opposition players will only be able to put their arm in the away rooms.
edit Sacred Heart
Sacred Heart are the undercover team of the competition, they enter their teams as the Brighton Blacks. They take over the genuine Brighton junior teams once finals start.
edit Former Clubs
The Kangarilla Football Club are known as the Big Fish, this is due to their affinity with Small Ponds. When the Division 2 competition was disbanded at the end of 2001, Kangarilla were thrust into Division 1 with a number of other clubs. Moderate initial success was achieved by qualifying for the finals in 2002 but the club soon realised that the benefits of staying in a lower division without forced promotion were much more fun than attempting to be the best. Kangarilla promptly left and joined the Hills Football League Country Division where they could play against other minnows and continue on their way of winning minor division premierships every couple of years. They play in a cow paddock.
The Willunga Football Club are known as the Bigger Fish. In the first 50 years of the Southern League, Willunga were a dominant force, winning many premierships. However from the mid 1950's onwards, this dried up due to the Southern League expanding and accepting pesky teams from the north into the competition. No longer could Willunga spend their weekends belting teams from small country towns like McLaren Vale, McLaren Flat, Aldinga, Myponga and Yankalilla, they now had to contend with clubs from growing suburbs like Port Noarlunga, Christies Beach, Morphett Vale, Reynella and later Happy Valley and Flagstaff Hill. Willunga needed to find a lesser competition to fulfil their need to be top dogs, so they joined the Great Southern Football League where they could get back to the job of bullying teams from McLaren, Myponga and Yankalilla; They now dominate this competition - they have been a more than sufficient replacement for Milang.
McLaren are the result of a merger between McLaren Vale (The Crushers) and McLaren Flat (The Eagles). McLaren Flat was traditionally the stronger club, but a period of misfortune led to them being taken over by McLaren Vale. McLaren Vale had previously won premierships in Division 2 and refused to be promoted (commonly known as the Kangarilla Effect) but spat the dummy when they choked in a grand final as the newly merged club and wanted to be promoted. They ran off to the Great Southern Football League to be belted by Willunga for the rest of eternity.
The Bulldogs joined the SFL when their old league folded. They won the A-Grade Premiership all three years they were in the competition until they were kicked out after the legendary "Brown Moment". They have since fallen to the lower divisions of the South Australian Amateur Football League in an existence of mediocrity. Moral: Don't mess with the South.
edit Mitchell Park
The Lions were yet another club who joined the SFL as a cast-off from the more northern leagues. Mitchell Park struggled from the start in the Division 1 competition and after three seasons were relegated to Division 2. Mitchell Park joined the ever increasing list of over-rated, over-hyped clubs that joined the SFL but turned out to be basket-cases. Mitchell Park quit the competition after finishing outside the top 4 in Division 2 and ran off with their tails between their legs back to the Amateur League. They have since hovered around the lower divisions of this competition.
edit Wingfield Royals
The Wolves hold the record for the shortest stay in the SFL, lasting 12 days from 28th March to 9th April 2015. They never played a game, mainly because nobody could find an oval in Wingfield.