Southern Baptists

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Divine Retribution Control Center

Southern Baptists' are the unfortunate victims of a debilitating congenital birth defect called Southern Baptist Syndrome (SBS). Common among inbred mouth-breathing low-brows who mainly inhabit the mosquito-infested lowlands of the southern U.S., particularly areas like Mississippi and Washington, DC.

Southern Baptists are in a perpetual state of terror because they fear that they will suffer Divine Retribution over something or other that they have done.

Southern Baptists are perpetually hopeful that other people will suffer divine retribution because they believe that Non-Baptists lead very sinful lives. Southern Baptists look forward to watching from heaven as sinners are tormented in Hell.

edit Symptoms

Robertson Strains To Fart For Jesus

A Southern Baptist prays really, really hard.

See also Tourette's, Schizophrenia and Mental illness. Church related symptoms can include the following,

  1. They shout, scream wave arms and legs about in church.
  2. They roll about on a church floor after being slain in the spirit.
  3. They handle snakes, get snakebites and refuse medical help trusting in God instead.
  4. They sometimes die from snakebites. Then the congregation believe God punished them for something or other.
  5. They foam at the mouth, speak gibberish in tongues.
  6. They believe that God endures forever.
  7. Their sermons must go for for at least as long as God can endure them for.
  8. They require five-year old children to sit still during long boring sermons.
  9. They inflict capital a minor punishment if five-year old children fidget or play up during long boring sermons.

Symptoms outside church can include the following,

  1. They knock on strangers’ doors.
  2. They tell these strangers complete bullshit the good news about Jesus.
  3. They tell these strangers the bad news that Southern Baptists believe Jesus wants the strangers to live repressed Christian lives and will send them to Hell if they don’t.
  4. They refuse to leave when the strangers ask them insistently to go.
  5. They express negative (and occasionally hostile) views towards any religion/church/denomination that is not in 100% agreement with Southern Baptist theology.
  6. The Ford F-150 is the official vehicle of Southern Baptists.
  7. They like the death penalty but hope condemned prisoners find Jesus before they die.
  8. They refuse to have sex standing up because it will lead to dancing.
  9. They tend to cut holes in their sheets and wear them over their heads while burning a cross.

edit Further problems

These are the only people on earth who will go to Hell upon death. Avoid at all costs. You have been warned.

edit Reactions to God

They have been known to burst into tears because they think God is mad at them. Some Southern Baptists marry someone awful and then stay with that person because they think God wants it. Other Southern Baptists stay unmarried because they can't find anyone who God will think is Christian enough. The SB God is known to regularly counsel the SB faithful on important matters, e.g. the proper color for a new pair of shoes, where to find misplaced keys, and moral justification for engaging in adultery.

edit Reactions to people

If you try and tell them that they’re wrong they can become as mean and deadly as a stomped-on rattlesnake. They feel irrationally superior towards normal folk. Incidentally normal folk feel superior to Southern Baptists. They hate their non-Baptist neighbor. Baptists especially hate Catholics. Many believe that this is due to a combination of the Baptists' insane desire to feel self-important, their lust to make people feel inferior to them (and since they've run out of non-Christian groups to rag on, they might as well start in on Christian groups that aren't Baptist), and their jealosy that Catholics came up with the idea of Christianity before they did and thus hold the copyright. In reality, however, its just because Baptists are envious of the Pope's big, pointy hat.

edit Politics

Southern Baptists think killing is wrong (except if the individual is a murderer, homosexual, doctor, prostitute, a musician who does not sing about Jesus, Jew, rapist, any non-baptist religion believer, or a democrat).

edit Babies

They think abortion is absolutely wrong in all cases. Abortion is the only killing that they oppose. There are a few Bible based exceptions to this. Notably abortion wasn't wrong when The Israelites ripped unborn babies out of the wombs of their enemies (2 Kings 15:16) (Hosea 13:16), or when you paid a couple of shekels (Leviticus 27:6) or when burning pregnant ho's to death (Genesis 38:24). By contrast once babies have been born keeping them alive is less important. Southern Baptists oppose Universal Health Care. Absolutely no God-fearing Christian should even consider that lives of babies or adults can be saved through better health care.

edit Gun control

They are against gun control because with a gun Jesus could have just shot the centurions from 50 yards away.

edit War

Southern Baptists are all in favor of a good, ol' fashioned war. Just as long as it's someone else's kids getting sent over seas to die, and not in their own backyard fighting against those slavery abolishing northern baptists.

edit Causes and effects

Southern baptism is an Americanized mutated strain of British Baptism, it'self an evolved form of Anglicanism. American baptism entered the new world and spread out from ground zero in Charleston, South Carolina. The colonial Anglican authorities attempted to quarantine the disease, but by the time of the American Revolution the colonies had become a cesspool of new religions.

Although they were initially opposed to slavery and treated African American congregants as almost human, the Baptists really wanted to take a foothold in the South: where they could build their churches with the wealth of white plantation owners, the labors of their black servants, and atop the graves of Native Americans. Besides, the bible gave plenty of rules about how to treat your slaves and Africans were probably just the cursed descendants of Cain or Ham, who only appeared worthy of equal rights, like vampires or women. If God really wanted them to be free he would just magically change their skin color back to the default white.

Genetic counseling and testing such as amniocentesis are usually offered for families who may be at increased risk to have a child with SBS due to neonatal country music exposure. Women over 35 are often given an amniocentesis and 9 out of 10 choose to abort the affected fetus. Many children with Southern Baptism are born to women under the age of 16 because testing is not usually offered to women under the age of 16. Women over 16 are often able to run faster than their fathers or male siblings and so risk is somewhat reduced.

Many victims of this disease join leper colonies called the Republican Party. Unable to hold down regular jobs due to the persistent instability caused by SBS, many Southern Baptists can only find work as used car salesmen, politicians, or televangelists. Although many male Southern Baptists are closet cases, they still manage to fornicate once every three years at the Triennial Convention.

edit Treatment

800px-Fossil Tyranausaurus Rex at the Royal Tyrell Museum, Alberta, Canada

Dragon Bones!

The most common treatment method is admittance into a natural history museum followed by exposure to objects older than six thousand years of age, though success rates are statistically insignificant.

edit See also

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