Southampton

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<!--Note: This article has been disguised to avoid offending people from Portsmouth. To read this article so that it reflects the truth, swap all instances of the words "Southampton" and "Portsmouth". -->
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[[File:Southampton.jpg|220px|thumb|right|"I can't believe it's not Portsmouth - it should be according to the map!"]]
{{Q|Philip, what's that smell?|Queen Elizabeth II|Southampton}}
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'''Southampton''', sometimes mistakenly refered to as '''Portsmouth''' is a smaller version of Portsmouth that lies on Portsmouth Bay, next to Portsmouth. While Portsmouth is remembered as the key Naval port on the South Coast of England, Southampton is known for not being Northampton. In 2005, Southampton acclaimed some fame by becoming the de facto capital of Poland as every previous resident of Warsaw had listed their temporary address as Portswood, Southampton.
   
[[File:basra_iraq_photo_iraq-ir.jpg|thumb|right|x300|Southampton Skyline.]]
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Residents of Southampton are proud to not be from Portsmouth as Yorkshiremen are proud to not be from Lancashire. In return the people of Portsmouth ignore Southampton in the same way Lancashire ignores Yorkshire. This has led to a historic rivalry between the two towns that goes as far as blockading areas of the Solent with local fishing vessels.
'''Southampton''' (Latin: "cesspit of hideously ugly tower blocks and even more hideously ugly ladyboys" also known as Scumhampton, Fairyland, Shithampton, Scum) is a small fishing village on the south coast of [[England]] adjacent to the [[Isle of Dogs]], which is strangely inhabited by dogs only, and several miles from the sprawling upper-class Metropolis of [[Portsmouth]] and not close at all to the [[Isle of Wight]] because of global warming about 5 years ago.
 
   
People from Southampton, who are also known as "Scum" due to the high dependency on inbreeding to keep the Southampton gene going, who mainly conceive with close relatives. They famously stole all of the UK's hot dog's which left Liverpudlians very angry. Southampton also boasts the highest number of paedophiles per capita in the UK.
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== History ==
   
Southampton was once shortlisted as a possible new capital city for England, but it's chances were hampered in 1965 when it officially became an Irish city. By 2005 every previous resident of Warsaw had listed their temporary address as Portswood, Southampton, leading to Southampton being declared de facto capital of Poland. It is currently the subject of a hostile takeover bid from the home counties, particularly [[Surrey]]. Many residents of Southampton dream of moving up-market to live in nearby Portsmouth; some even claim that, for someone born in Southampton, Portsmouth is actually Heaven .
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The village of Southampton can be traced back to the Early Medieval period when it was originally just a cul-de-sac consisting of a few tower blocks and an industrial dockyard crane. The village grew exponentially throughout the 1400s and when Queen Elizabeth I died it celebrated the grand opening of its first ASDA supermarket later that week. Sainsburies soon followed, preceded by some Polish cuisine take-aways. In 1760 the Great City of Portsmouth collided with Southampton and demanded that Southampton be incorporated into it for simplicity's sake. However the citizens of Southampton defiantly stood up to their nemises and told them to "sod off." From then on, Southampton spread South and East and Portsmouth spread West.
[[File:Gollum-chav2.jpg|thumb|right|Typical Southampton specimen.]]
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[[File:Southampton tcm21-100135.gif|thumb|right|220px|Portsmouth planned to devide Southampton between neighbouring Eastleigh and itself. Eastleigh was to get the North, East and South zones and Portsmouth was to get the rest.]]
   
The village of Southampton can be traced back to 1066, when some of William the Conquerors soldiers accidentally landed there thinking it was [[Hastings]]. To this day [[French]] is spoken as the language of choice by some of the locals. The village was originally a cul-de-sac consisting of tower blocks constructed using mud, sticks, Beano comic books and manure from the nearby Pony farms. It was these very Pony farms that eventually attracted the attention of Sir Matthew Le Tissier and his band of roaming horse-molesters. In the summer of 1580 Sir Matthew purchased both the land surrounding the village and all livestock within with the intention of creating a safe haven for all those whom had previously been persecuted for "unlawful sodomy against Equine specimens". The village grew overnight and celebrated the grand opening of it's first ASDA supermarket later that week. To obscure from outsiders' view the acts of Southampton's citizens a giant wall of gingerbread was built around the village. However disaster struck when the Lollipop Famine hit nearby Winchester, resulting in it's townsfolk attacking Southampton and eating most of the walls. Remains of the giant gingerbread wall can still be seen around Southampton today. The village suffered further devastation following the battle of Waterlooville when Naval vessels returning to Portsmouth mistook the village of Southampton for a French Cheese factory and shelled it to the ground. Lord Admiral Popeye III wrote a letter of apology to Southampton's Mayor, Sir Nigel Quashie, asking for forgiveness. Sadly the city of Portsmouth, Royal Navy and 1st battalion Sea Scouts (who commenced the attack on Southampton using frozen aubergines) have never been forgiven and remain absent from Southampton's Christmas Card list to this very day.
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In [[Modern]] History, Southampton aquired a football club which languishes around in the Champions League and the City boasts a wide cultural diversity from Eastern Polish to Lithuanian. In 1936 the Supermarine Spitfire monoplane fighter was produced and tested in Southampton and it was subsequently used to eliminate hundreds of pesky German tourists in the Eurocamps of Britanny and Normandy. In 2001, the Mayor of Southampton attempted to discredit the British victory at Trafalgar in 1805 on the basis that HMS Victory, Nelson's Flagship, lies in Portsmouth's docks. The Mayor gave the victory to the French and then commented how the ''Indomptable'' a French ship at Trafalgar, which had been known as ''HMS Incomprehensible'' (before the French captured it, when the British had it) was constructed in Southampton's docks.
   
[[File:35dedd0495511445fbd3f28863455a53.jpg|thumb|right|Ancient Southampton stonework.]]
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== Southampton Port ==
   
Southampton has a small harbour where the famous fishing trawler [[Titanic]] sailed from in 1912, on it's ill fated Virgin trains voyage to [[Derby]], where along the way it was sunk by Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson. It is also where the Southampton football team sunk after being eaten by live 50m long sharks and they have not risen since.
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The purpose of Southampton port is to confuse British tourists from the North who travel down to cross the Channel as to where their ferry leaves from. Any Southerner could tell you that Lower Class ferries leave from Southampton whereas ocean liners leave from Portsmouth.
   
Southampton is home to the [[Spitfire]] fighter plane, which was created to destroy the condemned town until [[Slough]] came into existence. It is also known for having the most densely populated homosexual community (discounting [[Brighton]] as its population will soon be non-existent because of too much bumming.)
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As with most ports in the 1960s, Southampton docks closed down and the workers were left without work. The ruins of half-complete ships and a wasted human labour force can still be seen in Southampton today. In its hayday Southampton Port was home to many ships such as the [[Titanic]], which famously only ever sailed from Southampton port.
   
The village is near the grand capital city of [[Hampshire]], [[Eastleigh]], recently voted the best place to live in Britain apart from Portsmouth. Eastleigh has swallowed up much of Southampton, and as a result suffers with frequent bouts of diarrhea. Much like the residents.
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Recently Southampton has attempted to re-establish its port and have made a family friendly WW2 museum about Southampton during the war. The museum also includes a special exhibition about the holocaust. The manager, Mr. Nick Griffin said, "We added this to our prestigious museum in an attempt to scare away all the filthy Polish migrants from our land. Southampton is a native town, home to Italian ice-cream parlours, Jewish Fish and Chip shops and a history of Venetian mercenary sailors."
   
Research of the [[Boldrewood Tunnel|University of Southampton]] found that locals are actually genetically related to [[brillo pads]] and [[Rasputin]] and therefore are guilty of anything that goes wrong at the university, although this could just be bitterness on the part of the university students not being able to pull any of the local "birds" who refuse to fuck anything more diverse than a second cousin.
 
 
Like many other ex-docking cities, a large part of Southampton's workforce now sit around getting drunk and being [[Irish]], aggrieved at the influx of [[Polish]] labour and the impact this has had on the sale of dodgy leather jackets and [[Guinness]]. Due to its large and generally ugly Polish community, Southampton is the home of British denim culture, quick restaurant service and Buck's Fizz.
 
 
A scummer is noticeable for its chavvy attire, repugnant odour and mispronunciation of vowel sounds (eg Like = Loike) and can often be found fucking his/her own mother. If one wishes to see a Scummer (as well as a pompous, self-righteous, microscopic-penised twat), one needs only to tune into the [[Mother Theresa|Jeremy Kyle]] show. The Scummer will desperately attempt to appear more intellectual by adopting what can only be described as a "posh, southern accent", however the general limitations of a Scummer's vocabulary renders such attempts futile.
 
 
Southampton is to be strictly avoided due to its bad reputation for prostitution, drug addicts and racists. Portsmouth would be a perfect city if it didn't have neighbouring Southampton.
 
 
== Education ==
 
== Education ==
The precise number of universities in Southampton is a hotly-debated topic. The most intelligent of the debaters say one - The University of Southampton, whose students are presumed to be living in exile in the village as they have disgraced Mummy and Daddy for failing to get into [[Oxford University|Oxford]]. However there are many people with IQs (apostrophe removed by Southampton Uni's elite student(apostrophe added by Portsmouth Uni's Elite student)) below 50 who argue there are now two: The University Of Southampton, which holds a reputation for being pretty decent at teaching bricklaying (engineering); and the fictional university called "Southampton Dimstitute." Recently this trickery has increased, as the owners of the Dimstitute have tried to make everyone call the place "Southampton Solent University" in order to charge dim people £9k/year for a 2 hrs a week media studies degree that allows the holder to work in any fast-food outlet of their choice.
 
 
There is also rumoured to be St Mary's College - the first college to come with a mother and toddler creche for the students. It offers a wide variety of vocations for the local ASBOsians from plumbing to assault. The average pass rate is two - for the entire lifespan of the college - and the average life expectancy is 16.3 years. Subjects are taught by a variety of middle-aged men, all of whom have burring [[Hampshire]] accents (so much so, that if more than two are present, the friction from the burring will actually cause fire) and none of whom actually have first names and, if they did, they'd all be called 'Andy' or 'Steve'.
 
 
Mushes (plural for the indigenous knuckle-dragging, feet-shuffling "mush" that populate the bulk of Millbrook/Redbridge/Totton) often find themselves educated at the local Totton ASDA, where they feel inclined to congregate like moths to a blinking neon 'Maccy D's' logo (the locality of which also conveniently serves as the cornerstone of the "Mush Diet"). Here, they take the cheaper alternative Walmart Degree's in Cider Drinking, Inbred Sex, Grand-theft-trolley, Red-Neck Fashion and General Hostilities. Most graduate with honors and find employment locally as whores and rent boys. God bless America/Southampton!
 
 
== Laser idea ==
 
Recently, the tax-payer-funded council came up with one their worst ideas ever. They proposed to send four laser beams from the Southampton Clock Tower, one to the North, one to the East, one to the West, and one more to the South, to destroy Portsmouth.
 
 
Many people disliked this idea, particularly the people in [[Portsmouth]], who immediately realised that Southamptoners were jealous of their Spinnaker Tower. They came up with several ideas to block, reflect and otherwise stop the stupid beam of light from reaching as far as them.
 
 
These included:
 
* Building a large mud barrier between the two cities to block the beam. Some would be happy with this idea were there a laser or not.
 
* Suspending a giant mirror above the city and reflecting the beam back to where it came from.
 
* Creeping into the city of Southampton and covering the clock tower in [[binliners]], to stop the laser beam leaving it.
 
 
They eventually settled on building a bus link at enormous expense (40p), and then realised they'd forgotten to buy any buses for it.
 
 
== Notorious Inbreeding Pandemic ==
 
The people of Southampton are famously proud of their stump for a family tree and encourage family relationships to the extent that March 28th each year is Southampton "Fuck your Family" day, It is championed by many local celebrities (and their sisters) It is not known how the people of Southampton all get along so well it's like there just one big happy family!
 
   
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The precise number of universities in Southampton is a hotly debated topic. The most intelligent of the debaters say one - The University of Southampton, whose students are presumed to be living in exile in the village as they have disgraced Mummy and Daddy for failing to get into [[Oxford University|Oxford]]. However there are many people with IQs (apostrophe removed by Southampton University's elite student(apostrophe added by Portsmouth University's elite student (apostraphe re-instated by [[Brighton]] University))) below 150 who argue there are now two: The University Of Southampton, which holds a reputation for being pretty decent at teaching bricklaying (engineering); and the fictional university called "Southampton Dimstitute." Recently this trickery has increased, as the owners of the Dimstitute have tried to make everyone call the place "Southampton Solent University".
   
==Rivalries==
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There is also rumoured to be St Mary's College - the first college to come with a mother and toddler creche for the students. It offers a wide variety of vocations for the local ASBOsians from plumbing to assault. The average pass rate is two - for the entire lifespan of the college - and the average life expectancy is 16.3 years. Subjects are taught by a variety of middle-aged men, all of whom have burring [[Hampshire]] accents (so much so, that if more than two are present, the friction from the burring will actually cause fire).
Presuming that 1 or 2 Portsmouth citizens are able to leave the scent of fresh fish behind, they often make their way to the City of Southampton. Feeling the need to state the rivalry they walk around the city center shouting 'SCUM' at babies, small children and the disabled.
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[[File:SPSkyline.jpg|thumb|left|220px|The view of Southampton and Portsmouth once the Mainsail tower is complete.]]
   
once or twice a Portsmouth citizen, a 'skate' has been spotted on public transport, they are often thought to gain access to trains by repeatedly smashing their heads on the side of the vehicle and occasionally hitting the open button. Once on the train they scream at the thought of being able to move without walking and shit themselves repeatedly.
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==Rivalry with Portsmouth==
   
Southampton has developed a system to keep Portsmouth natives out of their city. Upon entry to the city, they are asked 'if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?' and if it is a 'skate' their head will indeed explode. if somehow their IQ is above their citywide average of 2, and they make it past the first stage they are often found lost and wandering the Southampton sub-urbs as there is no fishy scent to guide them to possible 'mates'
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Due to the lack of Stables & Equine vets the residents of Southampton have always held a strong disliking for both the city & people of Portsmouth. Recently Portsmouth constructed a large Spinaker Tower that overlooks Portsmouth harbour like the Fernsehturm Berlin overlooks the Communist society below. When this tower was constructed Southampton came up with plans to build a Mainsail Tower, which would be double the height. The Mayor of Southampton then commented, "We have an advantage over Portsmouth, the Poles are good builders." The tower is still in the development stages.
   
== Glue Accident ==
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Southampton and Portsmouth have a small football rivalry, which was shortly ended when the FA decided to move Portsmouth up into the Premier League to keep the two teams from playing each other.
In 2003, a glue factory exploded, rendering the city almost impossible to get around. People were frequently late to appointments because on the way their feet had become sticky. Some of the glue can still be seen in the city centre if you look carefully.
 
   
==Airport==
 
Scumhampton airport was created to allow scummers leave the city for a better life and to get as far away as possible. After the first three days of opening the city of Southampton was left abandoned the only people left where the half donkey population of St Denys and the female Whores working around St Mary Stadium. On April 6th 2011 the airport was bombed and destroyed by a bunch of Libyan believed to be searching for [[Gaddafi]]
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
*[[Southampton F.C.]]
 
*[[Northampton]]
 
 
*[[West Ham]]
 
*[[West Ham]]
 
*[[Romsey]]
 
*[[Romsey]]
 
*[[Winchester]]
 
*[[Winchester]]
 
*[[Salisbury]]
 
*[[Salisbury]]
*[[Basingrad]]
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*[[New Forest]]
*The [[New Forest]]
 
 
*[[Tidworth]]
 
*[[Tidworth]]
[[category:places no one cares about]]
 
   
 
[[Category:Cities in England]]
 
[[Category:Cities in England]]

Latest revision as of 14:23, April 5, 2014

Southampton

"I can't believe it's not Portsmouth - it should be according to the map!"

Southampton, sometimes mistakenly refered to as Portsmouth is a smaller version of Portsmouth that lies on Portsmouth Bay, next to Portsmouth. While Portsmouth is remembered as the key Naval port on the South Coast of England, Southampton is known for not being Northampton. In 2005, Southampton acclaimed some fame by becoming the de facto capital of Poland as every previous resident of Warsaw had listed their temporary address as Portswood, Southampton.

Residents of Southampton are proud to not be from Portsmouth as Yorkshiremen are proud to not be from Lancashire. In return the people of Portsmouth ignore Southampton in the same way Lancashire ignores Yorkshire. This has led to a historic rivalry between the two towns that goes as far as blockading areas of the Solent with local fishing vessels.

edit History

The village of Southampton can be traced back to the Early Medieval period when it was originally just a cul-de-sac consisting of a few tower blocks and an industrial dockyard crane. The village grew exponentially throughout the 1400s and when Queen Elizabeth I died it celebrated the grand opening of its first ASDA supermarket later that week. Sainsburies soon followed, preceded by some Polish cuisine take-aways. In 1760 the Great City of Portsmouth collided with Southampton and demanded that Southampton be incorporated into it for simplicity's sake. However the citizens of Southampton defiantly stood up to their nemises and told them to "sod off." From then on, Southampton spread South and East and Portsmouth spread West.

Southampton tcm21-100135

Portsmouth planned to devide Southampton between neighbouring Eastleigh and itself. Eastleigh was to get the North, East and South zones and Portsmouth was to get the rest.

In Modern History, Southampton aquired a football club which languishes around in the Champions League and the City boasts a wide cultural diversity from Eastern Polish to Lithuanian. In 1936 the Supermarine Spitfire monoplane fighter was produced and tested in Southampton and it was subsequently used to eliminate hundreds of pesky German tourists in the Eurocamps of Britanny and Normandy. In 2001, the Mayor of Southampton attempted to discredit the British victory at Trafalgar in 1805 on the basis that HMS Victory, Nelson's Flagship, lies in Portsmouth's docks. The Mayor gave the victory to the French and then commented how the Indomptable a French ship at Trafalgar, which had been known as HMS Incomprehensible (before the French captured it, when the British had it) was constructed in Southampton's docks.

edit Southampton Port

The purpose of Southampton port is to confuse British tourists from the North who travel down to cross the Channel as to where their ferry leaves from. Any Southerner could tell you that Lower Class ferries leave from Southampton whereas ocean liners leave from Portsmouth.

As with most ports in the 1960s, Southampton docks closed down and the workers were left without work. The ruins of half-complete ships and a wasted human labour force can still be seen in Southampton today. In its hayday Southampton Port was home to many ships such as the Titanic, which famously only ever sailed from Southampton port.

Recently Southampton has attempted to re-establish its port and have made a family friendly WW2 museum about Southampton during the war. The museum also includes a special exhibition about the holocaust. The manager, Mr. Nick Griffin said, "We added this to our prestigious museum in an attempt to scare away all the filthy Polish migrants from our land. Southampton is a native town, home to Italian ice-cream parlours, Jewish Fish and Chip shops and a history of Venetian mercenary sailors."

edit Education

The precise number of universities in Southampton is a hotly debated topic. The most intelligent of the debaters say one - The University of Southampton, whose students are presumed to be living in exile in the village as they have disgraced Mummy and Daddy for failing to get into Oxford. However there are many people with IQs (apostrophe removed by Southampton University's elite student(apostrophe added by Portsmouth University's elite student (apostraphe re-instated by Brighton University))) below 150 who argue there are now two: The University Of Southampton, which holds a reputation for being pretty decent at teaching bricklaying (engineering); and the fictional university called "Southampton Dimstitute." Recently this trickery has increased, as the owners of the Dimstitute have tried to make everyone call the place "Southampton Solent University".

There is also rumoured to be St Mary's College - the first college to come with a mother and toddler creche for the students. It offers a wide variety of vocations for the local ASBOsians from plumbing to assault. The average pass rate is two - for the entire lifespan of the college - and the average life expectancy is 16.3 years. Subjects are taught by a variety of middle-aged men, all of whom have burring Hampshire accents (so much so, that if more than two are present, the friction from the burring will actually cause fire).

SPSkyline

The view of Southampton and Portsmouth once the Mainsail tower is complete.

edit Rivalry with Portsmouth

Due to the lack of Stables & Equine vets the residents of Southampton have always held a strong disliking for both the city & people of Portsmouth. Recently Portsmouth constructed a large Spinaker Tower that overlooks Portsmouth harbour like the Fernsehturm Berlin overlooks the Communist society below. When this tower was constructed Southampton came up with plans to build a Mainsail Tower, which would be double the height. The Mayor of Southampton then commented, "We have an advantage over Portsmouth, the Poles are good builders." The tower is still in the development stages.

Southampton and Portsmouth have a small football rivalry, which was shortly ended when the FA decided to move Portsmouth up into the Premier League to keep the two teams from playing each other.


edit See also

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