From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

"I can't believe it's not Portsmouth - it should be according to the map!"

Southampton, sometimes mistakenly refered to as Portsmouth is a smaller version of Portsmouth that lies on Portsmouth Bay, next to Portsmouth. While Portsmouth is remembered as the key Naval port on the South Coast of England, Southampton is known for not being Northampton. In 2005, Southampton acclaimed some fame by becoming the de facto capital of Poland as every previous resident of Warsaw had listed their temporary address as Portswood, Southampton.

Residents of Southampton are proud to not be from Portsmouth as Yorkshiremen are proud to not be from Lancashire. In return the people of Portsmouth ignore Southampton in the same way Lancashire ignores Yorkshire. This has led to a historic rivalry between the two towns that goes as far as blockading areas of the Solent with local fishing vessels.

edit History

The village of Southampton can be traced back to the Early Medieval period when it was originally just a cul-de-sac consisting of a few tower blocks and an industrial dockyard crane. The village grew exponentially throughout the 1400s and when Queen Elizabeth I died it celebrated the grand opening of its first ASDA supermarket later that week. Sainsburies soon followed, preceded by some Polish cuisine take-aways. In 1760 the Great City of Portsmouth collided with Southampton and demanded that Southampton be incorporated into it for simplicity's sake. However the citizens of Southampton defiantly stood up to their nemises and told them to "sod off." From then on, Southampton spread South and East and Portsmouth spread West.

Southampton tcm21-100135

Portsmouth planned to devide Southampton between neighbouring Eastleigh and itself. Eastleigh was to get the North, East and South zones and Portsmouth was to get the rest.

In Modern History, Southampton aquired a football club which languishes around in the Champions League and the City boasts a wide cultural diversity from Eastern Polish to Lithuanian. In 1936 the Supermarine Spitfire monoplane fighter was produced and tested in Southampton and it was subsequently used to eliminate hundreds of pesky German tourists in the Eurocamps of Britanny and Normandy. In 2001, the Mayor of Southampton attempted to discredit the British victory at Trafalgar in 1805 on the basis that HMS Victory, Nelson's Flagship, lies in Portsmouth's docks. The Mayor gave the victory to the French and then commented how the Indomptable a French ship at Trafalgar, which had been known as HMS Incomprehensible (before the French captured it, when the British had it) was constructed in Southampton's docks.

edit Southampton Port

The purpose of Southampton port is to confuse British tourists from the North who travel down to cross the Channel as to where their ferry leaves from. Any Southerner could tell you that Lower Class ferries leave from Southampton whereas ocean liners leave from Portsmouth.

As with most ports in the 1960s, Southampton docks closed down and the workers were left without work. The ruins of half-complete ships and a wasted human labour force can still be seen in Southampton today. In its hayday Southampton Port was home to many ships such as the Titanic, which famously only ever sailed from Southampton port.

Recently Southampton has attempted to re-establish its port and have made a family friendly WW2 museum about Southampton during the war. The museum also includes a special exhibition about the holocaust. The manager, Mr. Nick Griffin said, "We added this to our prestigious museum in an attempt to scare away all the filthy Polish migrants from our land. Southampton is a native town, home to Italian ice-cream parlours, Jewish Fish and Chip shops and a history of Venetian mercenary sailors."

edit Education

The precise number of universities in Southampton is a hotly debated topic. The most intelligent of the debaters say one - The University of Southampton, whose students are presumed to be living in exile in the village as they have disgraced Mummy and Daddy for failing to get into Oxford. However there are many people with IQs (apostrophe removed by Southampton University's elite student(apostrophe added by Portsmouth University's elite student (apostraphe re-instated by Brighton University))) below 150 who argue there are now two: The University Of Southampton, which holds a reputation for being pretty decent at teaching bricklaying (engineering); and the fictional university called "Southampton Dimstitute." Recently this trickery has increased, as the owners of the Dimstitute have tried to make everyone call the place "Southampton Solent University".

There is also rumoured to be St Mary's College - the first college to come with a mother and toddler creche for the students. It offers a wide variety of vocations for the local ASBOsians from plumbing to assault. The average pass rate is two - for the entire lifespan of the college - and the average life expectancy is 16.3 years. Subjects are taught by a variety of middle-aged men, all of whom have burring Hampshire accents (so much so, that if more than two are present, the friction from the burring will actually cause fire).


The view of Southampton and Portsmouth once the Mainsail tower is complete.

edit Rivalry with Portsmouth

Due to the lack of Stables & Equine vets the residents of Southampton have always held a strong disliking for both the city & people of Portsmouth. Recently Portsmouth constructed a large Spinaker Tower that overlooks Portsmouth harbour like the Fernsehturm Berlin overlooks the Communist society below. When this tower was constructed Southampton came up with plans to build a Mainsail Tower, which would be double the height. The Mayor of Southampton then commented, "We have an advantage over Portsmouth, the Poles are good builders." The tower is still in the development stages.

Southampton and Portsmouth have a small football rivalry, which was shortly ended when the FA decided to move Portsmouth up into the Premier League to keep the two teams from playing each other.

edit See also

Personal tools