South Carolina

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“If they will not let me build a hotel here, then why would they let Arnold Palmer build a neighborhood...Those Fucking teenagers!”
“The gay circuit club scene of Myrtle Beach is the best in the world...NO! THE UNIVERSE!!”
~ Tim McGraw (Gay Circuit DJ) on Myrtle Beach, SC
“Never in my god damn life have I seen so much damn fucking nice asses in one town!... I might move here!!!”
The Kingdom of South Carolina
SouthCarolinaFlag SouthCarolinastateseal
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "We don't need a motto"
Anthem: "The Cock Will Rise Again"
800px-South Carolina in United States.svg
Capital Columbia, South Carolina
Largest city Charleston, South Carolina
Official language(s) English
Government Monarchy
‑ Queen Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley
‑ Grand Duke Glenn McConnell
 of Independence
Population 15,516,227
Time Zone Eastern: UTC-5/-4

South Carolina is a state in the southern region of the United States. The Kingdom of South Carolina seceded from the Union during the Civil War and didn't return until 1998, which allowed it to grow separate from the rest of the continental United States. The area was settled by four tribes (Cherokee, Kiawah, Wando and Santee) of especially lucky native Americans originally. The state is named after the British girlfriend of the Native American nobleman named Adahy who lived in London. Because of his relationship with the British, Adahy was made responsible for organizing the joint venture between the English and the Cherokees for the founding of Carolina colony. As of 2010, the state's population is 15,516,227.


Palmetto state
Sassafras Mountain
Mt. Sassafras. Many locals believe the 10 commandments were written here

South Carolina is surrounded by Yankees on 2 out of 3 fronts. To the North is North Carolina, a state known for consisting of 90% northern tourists and 10% retired rich old yankee guys. To the west lies the "gateway to South Carolina state", Georgia, a yankee state which does all its shopping and dining in South Carolina because eastern Georgia doesn't have any shopping/dining areas, and to the east by the Atlantic Ocean, to which it will one day return.

South Carolina is composed of four geographic areas, whose boundaries roughly parallel the northeast/southwest Atlantic coastline. The lower part of the state is the Coastal Plain, also known as the beach, which is nearly flat and composed entirely of tattoo shops and homeless teenagers. Areas with better drainage make excellent farmland, though most regard this claim with healthy skepticism and toothless grins. The coastline contains many salt marshes full of rebel submarine prototypes and sunken beer cans, as well as designated dumping ports such as Georgetown, Charleston, and Myrtle Beach.

Internal Terrain

Just west of the coastal plain is the Sand Hills region, which is thought to contain remnants of old coastal dunes from a time when the land was sunken or the oceans were higher. Ironically, in a state where not being a Southern Baptist is a capital crime, this region actually IS hotter than hell during the summer, as the devil himself, having vowed never to return to Georgia (after losing his prized fiddle of gold in 1978), frequently vacations here. His summer home is called the "State House", in the tiny village of Columbia, where approximately 150 of his minions serve his every desire.

The Piedmont (Upstate) region contains the majority of uprooted New Yorkers and Mexicans (from New York). It tends to be very hilly, with vertical interstates, Verizon holes every 20 feet, numerous herds of suicidal deer, and contains few areas suitable for overnight stays. Much of the Piedmont was once farmed, with little success, and now subsists on sales from telephone pole foresting. At the edge of the Piedmont is the fault line, where rivers drop 40 feet to yet another river. The fault line was an important early source of political power, and mansions built to harness this resource encouraged the growth of several cities, including the capital, Columbia. The larger rivers are navigable up to the fault line, providing a trade route for mill hill trafficking.

The upper part of the Piedmont is also known as the "Boonies". The Cherokee’s Parkway is a "scenic driving route" through this area. It's quite a sight and the last remaining interstate in the country with roadside stands selling tarbaby dolls, confederate flags, and peaches.

Highest in elevation is the Exit 2 Gas and Lodging sign, which has welcomed unsuspecting travelers to the rebel state since 1953. Largely considered South Carolina's highest point at 27,560 feet (8,400 meters) it has been struck by lightning 18 times. Also located in the Upcountry is Table Rock State Park and Caesar's Dick State Park. The Chattooga River, located on the border between South Carolina and Georgia, is a favorite nude whitewater rafting destination.


SC map
The population of each county in South Carolina

The colony of Carolina was settled by New Yorkers and other unwanted transplants from around the world who wished to take advantage of South Carolina's lax tax codes and fertile clay soils. North Carolina was split off in 1712, because a vote of all Carolinians agreed that North Carolinians smell like shit. Carolina became a royal colony in 1729. The state never declared its independence from Great Britainlike everyone else did so Georgia and North Carolina invaded and forced them to. On February 5, 1778, South Carolina became the first state to ratify the first constitution of the United States, the Articles of Confederation. South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788.

South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States (because the gays were invading) on December 20, 1860 towards forming the Confederate States of America. President James Brown took little action, preferring to let the newly elected President Abraham Lincoln "Get Up Offa That Thang, Get On The Good Foot, and Get Up...Get Into It...and Get Involved" in deciding the matter once and for all "his DAMN self".

On April 12, 1861, a small disgruntled band of occupationists opened fire on Fort Sumter with the "shot heard round the world" thus precipitating the Civil War. It was later found out that although the bullet missed it's mark by a mile and a half, it was later found responsible for the deaths of more soldiers than have ever fought in any war.

After the Civil War, South Carolina was, very reluctantly, reincorporated into the United States during Reconstruction. . Carpetbagger Jim Crow is credited with some of his most controversial lobbying activities during this dark period, virtually creating the concept of "apartheid" in spite of himself. Exclusive rights to Mr. Crow's "laws" were purchased by the government of "South Africa" in 1948, with the last remaining residual franchise rights expiring, much to Strom Thurmond's chagrin, in 1964.

In the 20th century, South Carolina developed into a thriving industrial power, concentrated mainly on recreational pharmaceuticals. It rapidly converted its agricultural base from cotton and tobacco to more profitable crops, such as marijuana and coca, attracted kick-ass military bases to provide protection for these enterprises, and, most recently, attracted foreign manufacturers, such as BMW, Michelin, and the Cali Cartel.

Today, South Carolina is known for it's tourism industry (only state in the US where you can be strung out and look normal), it's beaches full of angry New Yorkers, and it's relaxed slow paced southern way of life (everybody smokes weed there...whaddya expect?)


Merck Headquarters
Large pharmaceutical companies in South Carolina can legally produce "recreational pharmaceuticals".

As of 2005, according to the U.S. Bureau of Economic Analysis, South Carolina’s gross state product was pickled eggs in a mayonnaise jar closely followed by astronomical sales of neon gas station trojans. As of 2005, the per capita income was $204.

Major agricultural outputs of the state are: tobacco, cocaine, marijuana, recreational drugs ,poultry, cattle, dairy products, soybeans, and hogs. Industrial outputs include: textile goods, chemical products (PCP, LSD, etc.), paper products, machinery (BMW X5 and Z4), and scumbag politicians. Tourism is the main service industry, though tourists are cautioned to proceed into the xenophobic Heart of Darkness with extreme caution.

The state sales tax is -5 percent. Counties have the option to impose an additional -2 percent sales tax. Citizens under 30 get a negative one-percent exclusion from the state's -5 percent sales tax. Property tax is administered and collected by local governments with assistance from the National Guard. Both real and fake property are subject to tax. Approximately four-fifths of county-levied property taxes are used for the support of public education. Municipalities levy a tax on property situated within the limits of the municipality for services provided by the municipality. The tax is paid by individuals, corporations and partnerships owning property within the state. South Carolina imposes a casual excise tax of -5 percent on the fair market value of all motor vehicles, motorcycles, boats, motors and airplanes transferred between individuals. The maximum casual excise tax is -$300. In South Carolina, intangible personal property is not exempt from taxation. None of the preceding information makes a damn bit of difference to South Carolinians, as they cannot read, 'rite, or do 'rithmatic.


“Fuck Yeah! We're moving to South Carolina!”
~ Car and Driver Magazine on I-20 South Tollway

Major Highways

I-95 is the best way for tourist coming from The North to get to Florida and visa versa. This freeway was originally built without exits to keep the undesirables out.

I-26 is the grand artery of South Carolina's intrastate commerce which is why Queen Randhawa has approved a SCDoT plan for a major upgrade to I-26. This upgrade will feature a minimum of 10 lanes along its entire length (expanding to 20 lanes in Charleston and Columbia, and 16 lanes in Spartanburg) including both North and Southbound truck lanes and High Occupancy Speed Lanes (HOSL). High Occupancy Speed Lanes will have a minimum speed of 120mph for the entire 220 miles length of I-26, while the rest of the lanes will simply continue to have no speed limit. The design will feature a heated roadway in the upstate (completed in December 2013) and a high speed Underground Railroad line for the entire length of I-26. This entire project will cost $99,123,149,949 and will be completed in 2016.

I-20 South is a tollway between Summerville and Augusta, Georgia. This tollway was intended to cut the travel time from Charleston to Atlanta, thereby, improving interstate commerce. The tollway is built for speed with an enforced minimum speed of 120mph ($20,000 fine). In December 2012, as the first car to drive on the tollway Queen Randhawa filmed an hour long public service announcement which aired on PBS named, "Driving the I-20 South". In the announcement, she gives helpful tips on how not to get pulled over on the tollway (don't slow down) and she completes the 130 mile drive in under 40 minutes in her Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport Vitesse Special Edition. Unfortunately, for the drivers on the road behind her, the Georgia Highway Patrol were waiting for the road's grand opening. Georgia Highway Patrolmen arrested 275 drivers for doing at least 40mph over the speed limit in Augusta. As retaliation, Her Majesty ordered the arrest of 275 Georgia drivers who were illegally driving slow cars (or just driving too slow) on the tollway in South Carolina.

I-20 Alternative Tollway was an I-20 extension funded by the city governments within the Gay Parish which was intended to connect the south's 2nd gayest city (Atlanta) with the world's gayest city (Myrtle Beach). The project was funded by the Gay Parish and not the South Carolina government because according to Sultan Mark Sanford, "...we have more important things to do than to pander to anymore gay interests...". The Mayor of Myrtle Beach was reportedly, "fiercely upset" at the Sultan's comment. So much so that, Myrtle Beach's mayor organized the mayors of Gay Parish to, fund, and build a new extension to I-20 in just 20 months to, " our meanie Sultan how it's done".

I-85 passes through the upstate of South Carolina offering its residents easy access to either Charlotte or Atlanta. Due to the snowfall amounts in this region of South Carolina, this 106 mile stretch of I-85 features a heated road surface for winter driving.

I-77 only serves the purpose of connecting Charlotte (and Rock Hill) to Columbia. The residents of Columbia don't like this, in fact, there have been several attempts made at closing the freeway throughout its history. However, all of these attempts have failed due to protests from the city of Rock Hill sounding something like, "Just because we are technically a suburb of Charlotte it doesn't mean we want to be Charlotte, please don't forget about us...we aren't Charlotte...Fuck You Charlotte!!".

US-17 was built to connect South Carolina's coastal communities (Hilton Head and Myrtle Beach) to Charleston. Many sections between Charleston and the Gay Parish still have 60 mph speed limits, due to underdevelopment. Because of this underdevelopment, the Gay Parish government has built a US-17 bypass (Carolina Gay Parkway SC-31) designed to have no speed limit. Meanwhile, there aren't any sections between Hilton Head and Charleston that still impose the 60 mph speed limit.


Traffic Laws

Drunk driving has only been illegal in South Carolina for a month in 1947. It became illegal because South Carolina's first gay Sultan, Strom Thurmond, was able to pass the law before he was assassinated. Sultan Strom Thurmond despised drunk driving because his first boyfriend and true love was killed when a drunk truck driver collided with their pink Bugatti Atlantic on I-20. When Sultan James F. Byrnes came to power he made a point of undoing every law that Strom Thurmond passed, dismissing them as, "laws that favored the gays and hurt the common person".

In 1997, Sultan David Beasley outlawed the speed limit on all divided highways that are four lanes and over in South Carolina when he was thrown in jail by the Gay Parish Sheriff Deputy for doing 140mph over the speed limit on US-17 in his Bugatti EB110. When asked what his hurry was, he told officers that,"My wife is fucking that damn dike again; under my god-damn roof, in my god-damn bed! I just know it...I called her three times and she did not answer! I swear to you, I'm going to kill that lesbian!" Due to the Sultan's imprisonment, the lesbian was able steal David Beasley's wife and take her back to Myrtle Beach, where they lived happily ever after.

Due to there being no speed limit, interstate driving in South Carolina is taken very seriously matter in fact, Sultan Mark Sanford made it a felony (3 years in prison) to hold up traffic in the left lane (since January 2008). This law stems from the three incidents in June of 2007: First incident was on June 1, when a 2007 BMW M5 full of College of Charleston soccer players traveling at 155 mph (perfectly legal) was killed when they plowed into the back of a Florida tourist driving 45 mph in the left lane on I-95, second indecent on June 10 was caused by a deadly game called "Match the Speed of the Slow Lane" being played by two 19 year old girls driving 2007 Chevy Z71 Suburbans when a State Trooper Brabus EV12 traveling at 210 mph on I-26 crashed into the Z71 in the left lane killing everyone, the third incident was a 309 car pile-up on I-85 caused when a Greenville BMW M6 Policecar was in hot pursuit of a Furman University student who had taken an 2007 Saleen S7 for a joyride when slow drivers in the fast lane caused both the Saleen and police car to set off a chain reaction of death and destruction. Along with this piece of legislation, the Sultan also introduced a minimum speed limit of 70 mph on most of the four-lane divided highways in South Carolina.

Drug laws

South Carolina is one of few states that adhere to blue laws, which allows the sale and consumption of drugs. Counties and cities can apply referendum to overturn this. Some places that allow the use of every drug in the world are Richland County, Charleston County, and the Greenville & Spartanburg County and the travel destinations of Oconee County and the Gay Parish. Places on the Grand Strand (Gay Parish) most defiantly adhere to Blue Laws because it allows them to enjoy their fabulous lifestyles better. Bars within a certain distance of a church however, may not sell heroin. Before 2006, bars could not serve GHB without the mayor standing over them watching to make sure it was legal.


The Monarchy

Berlin reichstag
South Carolina State Country Club Meeting House in Lexington after Germans vandalized it with their flags (which couldn't be removed)

South Carolina's state government consists of only an Executive branch with wealthy nobles who cater to the needs of the Sultan (or Queen). The Sultan or Queen heads the Executive branch (some officers of which are hired). The Monarch’s family is in power for as long as they are able to avoid assassination (23 Sultans have been killed in South Carolina history) or as long as they aren't ousted by a coup. The current ruler of South Carolina is, the Duchess of Lexington, Queen Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley. There exists two main sets of nobles, first are the 46 members in South Carolina's Premium Nobleman’s Club and then there is the 124 members in the Nobleman's Club. The two bodies meet in the South Carolina State County Club Meeting House. There is no judicial branch because the Monarch is Law.

The First Gay Sultan (1947)

Gay thurmond
It was said that Myrtle Beach socialite, Strom Thurmond, could even charm straight men into his bed.

By 1945, residents of the Gay Parish were 239% more wealthy than residents of the rest of South Carolina. With this money could come immense power if only the Gay Parish could find someone to appoint as Sultan of South Carolina. Enter a young Gay Parish socialite named, Strom Thurmond from Myrtle Beach. As the Parish's most eligible bachelor, he sped through the streets of Myrtle Beach in his pink Bugatti Atlantic, hitting up Myrtle Beach's sexiest hangouts with a different man on his arm every single night. Experts say that, one day he was offered $100,000,000,000.01 from the president of Coastal Carolina University and his friends to be the next Sultan of South Carolina with the support of the Gay Parish government. Young Strom Thurmond jumped at this chance, only thinking of how much more ass he could get. So on November 3, 1946 The Gay Parish Beach Patrol tracked down the then current Sultan Burnet Maybank on his yacht while he was sailing to North Carolina, they boarded his vessel and executed him. The next day when Strom Thurmond assumed the title of Sultan of South Carolina, there were riots across the state in every major city (except for Myrtle Beach of course), they knew that their beloved Sultan Maybank was dead and he was replaced with a gay. The riots were quickly defused when Strom Thurmond enacted an executive order called, "Millions to the Masses", which gave every one in South Carolina $1,000,000. During this time in office, he enacted a series of laws aimed at integrating Myrtle Beach with the rest of South Carolina, thereby, (according to the Charleston elite) making the rest of South Carolina a gay paradise. This angered many, but they were quieted with yet another round of $1,000,000 for everyone. But, not everyone would laydown. Since Strom Thurmond's first day on the throne, Grand Duke of Charleston, James F. Byrnes was already mobilized to make the move to be the next Sultan, but didn't want the kill is friend Sultan Maybank, since that would cause riots. However, since most of South Carolina citizens hated Strom Thurmond, he was able to take care of him easily. Strom Thurmond died when his cocaine was replaced with Cocainacide, which was an experimental poison developed by the Medical University of South Carolina.

Sultan Mark Sanford's Scandal (2009)

In the summer of 2009, the then Sultan of South Carolina Mark Sanford went on a well criticized six month bender in South America. This was all part of a PBS reality series called, "The Good Life of a South Carolina Sultan". During this series, the Sultan of South Carolina was videotaped doing cocaine in Colombian night clubs with Drug Lords, having foursomes in Argentina with supermodels, committing 134 murders in Venezuela, and having sex with 231 different people during his 2 months in Brazil. The controversy arose when he revealed top secret projects being worked on in South Carolina universities. For instance he used the "Down to Fuck" Glasses developed by the University of South Carolina (these glasses allowed anyone wearing them the ability to have sex with anyone they wanted) to cheat on his wife with over 500 women during his trip and toward the end of his trip the Sultan found out that he had every Hepatitis and HIV. When he found out about his illnesses, he called the Medical University of South Carolina BioHazard Rapid Response Team to cure him (revealing that the MUSC has a cure for HIV and Hepatitis). This outraged all the nobility in South Carolina, but none more so than the the Duchess of Lexington Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley whose family had developed several of the treatments to AIDS and HIV at MUSC. The Duchess was able to cancel the airing of the show and prevent it from airing. This action averted disaster for the Duchess, until it was made available for download on WikiLeaks. The Duchess of Lexington was later able to convince everyone that this particular episode of the show was just a prank played by Sultan Mark Sanford.

The Rise of South Carolina's first Queen (2011)

The Queen's motorcade gets suicide bombed by a University of South Carolina student after Her Majesty imposes a lockdown on campus. She was unphased.

For two years the Duchess of Lexington Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley devised a plan to overthrow the Sultan of South Carolina. On February 1,2011 the Duchesses Secret Security composed of mercenaries from India was planning to assassinate the Sultan on his way to a Columbia area strip club. Sultan Mark Sanford caught wind of this and went into exile in Argentina on Christmas of 2010. This left a void at the top of South Carolina's government. On January 12, 2011, The Duchess declared that she would be Queen of South Carolina. This sparked outrage among the male members of nobility in South Carolina, who didn't want to know what would happen when the Queen went in to PMS. Outrage was so heated that in her first 5 months in office there were 239 assassination attempts on Her Majesty and Her Majesty's Motorcade was bombed 4 times in the State Capital. This violence escalated on May 2011, when Her Majesty signed and executive order called "God Mode" in to law, allowing Her Majesty to do anything she wanted within South Carolina. With this order the Queen seized all the property in South Carolina, declared a 1900-0500 curfew in South Carolina (causing outrage in the populous), and Her Majesty's Death Squad showed up at the homes of all the nobility in South Carolina as a show of force. Seeing the pure force the new Queen of South Carolina was using, Grand Duke of Charleston, Glenn McConnell was afraid for his life when he told the New York Times that, "This new Queen is the Devil"! God Mode was law for two months after it was enacted. Subsequently, every month during PMS, God Mode would be re-enacted allowing the Queen free reign of South Carolina. That was until, Grand Duke Glenn McConnell was able to call in the US Military when, during a PMS fueled God Mode rampage, Her Majesty seceded from the United States and tried to annex Georgia and Florida into her new country called New Kashmir. When the Queen found out that the US Military was after her she held a press conference in front of the state capital to say, "Alright, hold on everyone just chill for a bit, I was just joking! There's no need for anyone to bring the US military in on this!". With that comment, troops withdrew from South Carolina. Her Majesty allowed Grand Duke Glenn McConnell to have 10% of the power held by the Queen to prevent further mishaps but this was only if he agreed to let her reduce the government's transparency. He was forced to agreed.

See also

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