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Republiek van Suid-Afrika (EISH!)
Iphabraliki do Sotho Afriki
That country at the tip of Africa that used to be a dictatorship run by Brits, fucked it up, left some Boers, who fucked it up more, but isn't anymore
|Motto: You Kaffirs are lucky Apartheid isn't official anymore!|
|Capital||Pretoria, Cape Town, Bloemfontein, possibly others|
|National Hero(es)||DeBeers Diamond Co.|
|Religion||Catholicism, Animism, Whineism|
|Population||47,780,000 (4,000,000 of whom are albino)|
“We didn't create any kind of racial tensions by colonising South Africa. Blame the blacks.”
“The definition of a white South African is 'someone who would rather be murdered in their bed than make it'.”
South Africa, better known as Suid Afrika, Souf Effrikka or Fake Africa, is a country located at the southern-most part of the shit-hole of the world, Africa. Distinguished for its social equality, sadistic torture methods, and braais, South Africa has in recent decades been the fore-runner of 'hope' on the continent. On the inside the country is rotting away, as most citizens have no bricks, mortar, or funds to build their homes; all too frequently money is embezzled, mortar resold for dagga, and the supply of local bricks exhausted following a series of smash-and-grabs.
South Africa is the only country in the world where saying, "G'day mate" is a criminal as well as a civil offence, and as such can lead to one's arrest (or more than likely, execution by firing squad). It is also home to many of history's greatest idiots, namely black supremacist Julius Malema, cross-dresser Evita Bezuidenhout, and Charlize "There-on" Theron.
Until 1910, South Africa was ruled by Great Britain, which introduced slavery in the 1800s. After getting bored of owning a third of the world, the Englishmen departed, leaving behind some pyromaniac fascist Dutch to continue destroying the country. Known as "apartheid-ists", they had an abysmal comprehension of human rights and an even poorer fashion sense - often flaunting pith helmets, short shorts, and schoolboy stockings in public. For these and other crimes against humanity (including bad comb-overs), they were ousted in 1994.
Having escaped psychiatric custody by 1990, popular Floridan cultist Nelson Mandela assumed leadership of a new South Africa in 1995. Unfortunately remnants of the "old South Africa" still remain, with many former "apartheid-ists" holding out in cultural laagers around the country. They continue to enjoy rugby games, charred meat, and breeding their Dobermans behind brick walls, which dissuade racist murderers of other varieties. In the meantime, Nelson Mandela is on the verge of death, watching everything he worked so hard to create slowly break apart.
While other African countries suffer from endemic corruption, this is thankfully not the case in South Africa. The Mandela regime, in its all-seeing wisdom, has avoided the fate of other banana republics and simply legalized graft and corruption. It has even given both a respectable-sounding name: Black Economic Empowerment, or BEE. Supposedly implemented after apartheid to give all the poor black people a leg up, it predictably benefits just the obscenely rich. Three chief beneficiaries of BEE thus far - Japan Fornicatewale, Patrice Motsepe and Smuts Ngonyama - are all far wealthier than Bill Gates and John Paul Getty combined, despite their utter lack of acumen or expertise. But, as anyone would agree, dreadlocks and funny accents do make businesses run much smoother!
If you are, say, Microsoft, and have the gall to open an outlet in South Africa, you are immediately compelled to hand over 99% of your business to a black partner, in return for the pleasure of his somewhat dubious wit, sexual prowess, and company. It is understood that this pathetic individual doesn't add one jot of value to your business, but will nevertheless own it all. In addition, you must pay him twenty trillion dollars per annum in salary and do all the real work yourself because Meneer Fatso BEE Beneficiary is too busy picking out his next Maybach to care. Anyroad, he does not possess any intelligence or marketable skill, other than his level of pigmentation. If you are a racist spoilsport and decline to participate in BEE, South Africa will a) refuse to do business with you b) seize the company anyway and c) kill the existing shareholders. Hey, that's positive discrimination for you!
Government officials appear in court on a regular basis, for a variety of civil offences, mainly for staggering incompetence, followed by various misdemeanors such as mass rape, hate speech, and coulrophilia. Of course, this does nothing to prevent the blind masses from voting them back into power again and again...in exchange for a stapled condom and a Happy Meal, of course.
Transport or transition in South Africa, contrary to popular belief, does not involve wild animals. When wild animals do appear in the streets (which used to be a common occurrence) - most motorists play "let's see if they're smart enough to get out the road before I hit them with my Range Rover" - a game which has resulted in the near-extinction of the South African Purple Elephant - a smaller version of the elephant about the size of a Fiat Uno; it gets its name from the color of its intestines, which often lay spattered across the streets.
In recent months, the cost of owning a vehicle has become so high, that the masses (read: hijackers) find it a lot easier to simply take someone else's. Due to the idiots (read: Americans - George Bush in particular) starting a pseudo-valid war for oil, these costs have been multiplied exponentially, and so hunting down a wildebeest and taming it, has become the preferred mode of transport.
Mercedes ML320 SUV's are affectionately known as Yengenis, after a corrupt politician (which is of course a tautology in Africa). They are much beloved of incompetent, nouveau-rich blacks who for no reason other than their skin color get appointed as directors of companies, given a corner office and a secretary, but then told to shut up and not to sabotage the companies' operations by actually attempting to participate.
The most recent addition to the transport crisis in South Africa is that of the eNatis traffic and licensing system. Originally eNatis was thought to stand for "Electronic NAtional Trafic Information System". After the "successful" implementation of this system in Johannesburg and surrounding areas, the acronym has been changed to "Eish, Not Available Today, I'm Sorry". As a result of this "buying" vehicle licenses has not only become the preferred but now the only way to avoid traffic fines. Naturally the problem with this system has nothing to do with the government, only the largely government owned and controlled affiliate institutions (such as Telkom). eNatis was produced by a Black Economic Empowerment IT consortium at a cost of approximately fifteen billion rand, which - when revealed - caused great outrage amongst the (more than 3,000) tax payers in the country, as this sum exceeds the salary of the minister of transport, Mr. Jeffrey Thumsucka Radebe, by more than 50%.
The masses (read: stupid assholes) prefer to journey in vehicles called mobile coffins or taxis, but more commonly designated "minibus taxis". Given that each vehicle's theoretical maximum carrying capacity is around 9 people, scientists can only shake their heads in bewilderment when South African media reports that 23 people were killed when a taxi overturned, 15 were injured, and the remaining 38 passengers escaped unscathed.
Upon further investigation, the origins of these vehicles are traced back to ancient methods of 'culling' the human population, where in the tribal days, many villagers were placed into the belly of an elephant (through the rectum) and effectively pushed over a cliff. To meet this need in the modern day and age, the Toyota motor vehicle corporation has developed and marketed a suitable replacement to aid the process of culling. The Toyota HI-ACE (High Impact African Culling Equipment) has proved most suitable for this purpose and as a result is in wide use in South Africa and neighboring countries.
Taxis in South Africa run over everything in sight. Even if they are not on the road, they will make a special trip just to run over everything. Taxi drivers have problems telling the difference between cheap shit and stuff that works, even when their hubcaps fall off and role towards a cop (cops are corrupt).
Taxi drivers are known to carry automated weapons, the better known and black market value cheapie, the AK-47. It is a wonderful addition and is highly recommended to any Taxi Drivers armory. Some are known to fire off a couple of rounds, from a pistol, into passing Taxis who also happen to be some of their greatest opposition. Since South Africa is a country of unity, Taxi Drivers sometime feel the need to create a medium of imbalance by "shooting up" their fellow men and woman who also work for the public transport system. Reasons for this have not yet been brought to the surface.
Safety, in sex and otherwise
“Avoid rape....say yes!!”
“AIDS does not exist. AIDS is a conspiracy created by foreign pharmaceutical companies and white people. We know this because our Fearless Leader has read it on Uncyclopedia. He also thinks that the Yanks are hiding something in Area 51 and Elvis is living in Boksburg.”
The principle of safety is not really applicable to South Africa. Safe sex is indeed practised by the intelligent few astute enough to recognise that 'protection' should be used at all times, especially during intercourse. However, as demonstrated by Jacob Zuma, head of the National AIDS Committee, there should be no cause for concern, per the following reasons:
- All you need is a shower.
- Men are less likely to get AIDS (sorry, ladies)
- HIV does not lead to AIDS, anyway, it's just an hoax by racist whites to steal our gold.
Zuma's administration has also recommended the following procedure for curing existing STDs:
- Steal one (1) virgin, preferably younger than thirteen (13) years of age. Extra kudos if she's albino.
- Steal one (1) potato from the supermarket.
- Proceed to unmercifully ram said virgin (the blood means it's working!)
- Eat the potato with some garlic or a Big Mac.
Of course, the fact that South Africa has the highest number of AIDS patients is completely unrelated.
Every second week of November is I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day, a day when the hopeless and suffering celebrate by crucifying an infected muppet, preferably Kami. The chairman of the event is Robert Mugabe.
Safety in other aspects (such as "keeping safe") is generally ignored because its common knowledge that it will not happen. Upon entering the country, most resign themselves to the fact that they will more than likely die. As Zuma observed late in 2012: "Don't forget, the only thing that spreads faster than HIV is a positive attitude!"
- Main article: Anglo-Boer Wars
Once upon a time, the South African provinces of Transylvania and the Pineapple Free State defeated England and Australia in a gold match. Most South Africans have rather obtusely forgotten all this boring history, unlike those "donderse ingelsman", who retaliate for their past humiliations by cracking bad jokes and mimicking accents to get a cheap larf.
During this conflict, the English soon realised they had little chance of securing a military victory against their Afrikaner opponents, so they remanded all the women and children they could find in death camps, later setting a lovely precedent for little Adolf Hitler. Though this is said to have effectively ended the conflict, it is still common to see Zulu youths roaming the countryside with AK-47s yelling, "Kill the Boer"...wait.
The English like to recall previous victories over the locals, because it is the only way to hide the shame of so mercilessly killing all those innocent women and children during the Boer War. As any Afrikaner will tell you, the average English penis is around five centimetres long when erect, and this gives them a Napoleon complex, especially when likened to the average South African penis, which measures closer to twelve centimetres across when erect.
As mentioned above, there are 143 official languages in South Africa. Each includes more than 400 ways to describe anguish, defeat, and humiliation.
Although everyone is free to speak their own language, it is common to find most Afrikaans speakers also attempting to converse in English, causing inevitable breakdowns in communication. For example:
- English: "Will you please help me remove these Levi jeans?"
- Not English: "Can you like to please help me to remove this Lee-Vee jean pant, mah bru?"
Sadly, the same is often true for English speakers attempting to converse in Afrikaans:
- Englishman: "joumanaivirbaksteneom’nhoerhuistebou!"
- Boer: "........"
A common practice among black South Africans is to shout what they need to say, regardless of the speaker's distance from his mate. It is also common for them to break into dance and caterwaul at any given time, a ritual known as "thoi-thoi-ing" intended to celebrate their evolution from apes. If a sheep is nearby, expect a tribal sacrifice to aforementioned ancestors, along with more singing/dancing/unnecessary shouting/boobies.
The national sport of South Africa is corruption, which is practised by politicians. The second most popular sport is Taxi Racing, there are many events including drive-bys, drag racing, Burnout 3: Takedown, stop and go, and taxi surfing. All footage is played in slo-mo due to the fact that speeds are often in excess of the speed of light. The last time there was an accident they could only find the drivers atoms and the wrench used to steer. All events are sponsored by eNatis.
For years it was believed that rugby was a favored sport by white Afrikaans males in South Africa. Oscar Wilde sensed that something fishy was going on, and hired Jesus and Santa to investigate, who later concluded that South African rugby is actually part of an international cult of homosexuals. The NG Kerk (a church) responded to these allegations by declaring that both Jesus and Santa are agents of Satan. As of 14 January 2009, neither Jesus nor Santa have commented on the church’s decleration, but Oscar Wilde has announced that Jesus owes him $20 change.
South Africa have also put forward many of the best players in cricket, fishing, golf, basicaly any sport the blacks don't play. Unfortunately the government find that by selling these players off to the British that they'll make more monies for organized crime, so everybodies happy.
The black community became so frustrated with the slow transformation (getting more blacks in where they don't belong) in sport that is, and have been for the last 100 year, being played by white South Africans. They decided to consolidate things they are good at and white folks don't like or is against the law so white people won't participate. They took other sports like rape, theft, burning of things, killing, throwing stones and vandalism and gave it a name: XENOPHOBIA. It is an all black (not the New Zealand rugby team)thing that they are proud of and enjoy. And there is 100% transformation. South Africa is currently world leaders in this sport and played against Botswana, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Nigeria, South Africa, the South African Police Service, Malawi and other unknown countries (countries unknown because there participants are dead). The Games was held in South Africa in the Townships and all the other Countries participants are either killed, raped, burnt, beaten, robbed, houses burnt down or vandalized, shops burnt down or vandalized and chased away. With South Africa the victor and the other participants gone the government of South Africa encouraged the other participants (the victims) not to go to Refugee Camps but to return to there communities so that they can play Xenophobia again.
Two of the most popular cultural pursuits in South Africa include the murder of disenfranchised white farmers and starvation (the two commonly going together). So, if you happen to hail from the United States, you can celebrate South Africa's rich culture by killing a farmer and refusing to donate to charities!
Recently, celebrities have begun a new tradition contradictory to the culture of South Africa. Recently Oprah opened a girls' leadership school in the insanely rish suburb of Henly-On-Klip, in between Jo'Burg and Vereneening-Verening-Veereening-Ver- forget it. In a photo op wth several poor black girls and a token whitey, Oprah said that many of the girls have suffered rape and other horrors, and lucky for them, Jacob Zuma only lives a few hours away and will be sure ot visit for some "surprise sex".
Brad Pitt has also helped the Seffrican economy by buying a mansion in Pringle Bay, Western Cape. No actual South Africans live in Pringle Bay anymore. They can't afford to.
The currency used in South Africa is called the "Rand"('Tha Reeeend!") or the ZA$ (a.k.a Bantu slaves). This currency, like all colourful currency with pictures of animals on it, is basically worthless, and doesn't really mean anything anyway as South Africa has a "Shared Income" policy - meaning that all money, and items purchased with said money, are all freely available to be taken by anyone at any time - with permission or without.
Death and Crime
The crime rate in South Africa is very low; in fact, it is non-existent. This is because the cops are not allowed to publish crime statistics that have not been reviewed by the government first. Because the government and cops are largely populated from the criminal class, crime stats are manipulated before publishing so as to make the populace think crime is not a problem. We are therefore happy to announce that South Africa has a negative crime rate. The crooks are in fact going around knocking on doors and returning stolen valuables to people who've previously been burgled.
South Africa has the highest telephone fees on Earth. Also known as "Helkom", "Smelkom", "Shit stain", "Shitcom", "Telscum" is South Africa's equivalent of Hitler, and is in fact owned by Hitler, as commonly believed. This evil entity provides telecommunications to parts of South Africa (the rest of cables were stolen) at a cost equal to laying your own international communications link.
Much of their profits come from telephone pranksters such as Whackhead, Darren Simpson from Joburg's 94.7 highveld stereo.
Manto Tshabalala-Msimang is the most intelligent black person in South Africa. No questions asked. She is Uber-Intelligent. Her intelligence is only matched by her corruption. She lost her liver in a freak drunken driving accident and required a new one which she stole from some guy (That person was Bart from "7de Laan")
During brilliant displays of her intelligence, she apparently discovered a cure for aids. At an expo in Sweden she proposed a methiod of mixing beetroot and water as a cure for Aids. The scientists behind her, were not laughing at her, but with her while she vomited away the disease.
In another display of intelligence, she was caught by The Sunday Times drinking a shot of Vodka immediately after her liver transplant. Truly genius, dont you think? She then proceeded to sue the Sunday Times even though she herself wrote and article about freedom of the press.
She has a great number of supporters. So much so that they started a Website called "Sack Manto" which is referenced to how Potato's are sold by the sack-full! This is a sweet way of her supporters showing they are in agreement with her policies on using the African Potato to cure Gays with AIDS.
The previous minister of Health, Dr. F.M. Zuma (Fokken Myt Zuma) decided to change departments and relocated to the Department of Foreigh Affairs, because, to her, health was a foreigh affair anyway. Weeks later, she was eaten by Mantu.
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