Sora
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NEWS FLASH
Mr. Sora (last name unknown) who has saved the world twice has been arrested after drunkenly chasing around a Riku cosplayer making his way to a cosplay event. The cosplayer was anti Sora x Riku and told the Sora to "f**k off". Sora then proceeded to try to rape the young man. Luckyly the young man was saved by an old woman who kicked him in the nuts and who was later was revealed to be Kairi in disguise. Kairi told us that ever since she caught him cheating on her with Riku so she vowed to stalk him to protect the world from his wrath of Riku lovingness. She then had a break down about Riku's popularity and believes Sora still loves her, but he goes for Riku to get more attention and boost his own popularity. Then we interviewed Riku and he admitted to having romantic relationships with Sora and Kairi at the same time and expressed that he felt Kairi was just jealous because her relationship with Sora is failing and that she knew he would choose Sora in the end over Kairi. Riku was not surprised about the attempted rape of the cosplayer and revealed that Sora has been abusing acid and many other drugs to try to find his inner self and solve his love triangle situation. Riku then laughed and said it was clear who he was going to pick after this incident.
When we finally got to question Sora about the whole situation he was rather dazed and confused. He claims to remember nothing of stalking the cosplayer or trying to rape him. The last thing he does remember is Riku getting him a tenth beer and then drinking the alcoholic beverage quickly.
Two days later a gas bar called to tell us they had a surveillance camera catch Sora walking drunkenly by then Riku following him and keeping his presence unknown.
We told this news to police and then they reported back that after a few hours of interrogation that Riku admitted to giving Sora vast about of different illegal drugs to him unknowingly in alcoholic beverages. Riku admitted to giving Sora the drugs and flirting with him before giving Sora a map and telling him to meet him there for a 'secret meeting' which happened to be the cosplay event. Riku hoped that the flurry of all the Rikus and Kairis would overwhelm him and help him come to realise his true love while on acid. It was by accident Sora ran into the Riku cosplayer and Riku admitted that was not part of the plan.
The cosplay victim has decided to press charges against Riku and Sora. Sora has also decided to press charged against Riku, but not for money. He wants Riku's punishment to be that Riku has to be Maleificant's slave in anywhich way she desires. After all this mess, Sora has admitted he will still be romantically involved with both Riku and Kairi.
CONFUSED? WE ARE TOO.
“I'm not Roxas, you hear me?! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING SKULLS!!! I'M NOT FUCKING ROXAS!!!”
~ Sora on being Roxas
“Seriously... Kingdom Heart? You mean Neverland Ranch? Mike, you have to do better than that.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sora
“Roxas?”
~ Some member of Organization XIII on Sora
“I WAS NOT GROPING RIKU'S ASS!!! I WAS HELPING HIM WALK!!!”
~ Sora on the scene before the ending of KH2
“:O I thought you loved me :(”
~ Riku on the above quote
“I am the one... and the only Sora! Slayer of Heartless, destroyer of all nobodies, supreme lord of Kingdom Hearts, and a dancing machine, it doesn't matter if you are black or white.”
~ Sora on WTF?!
Lord Sora is the current ruler of Kingdom Hearts also known as Neverland Ranch. He somehow managed to get this title, even though he is only 15 years old. He is living the dream, and gets to play with his favorite cartoon characters from Disney along with small children, teenagers, adults, and oh-so fappable Japanese schoolgirls alike. Due to his amazing fighting skill, it is often debated whether or not Sora is actually the greatest warrior in the universe; a fact further supported by his ability to kick the shit out of any Final Fantasy character he comes across. Sora is also known for the best dressed character in Kingdom Hearts. Sora, a very rich pederast along wit his friends Riku, and Kairi lived in peace on Destiny Islands, until one day darkness attacked the land and pulled them apart, starting them on an adventure that lasted 2 years and were chronologued in a song entitled "Thriller"
Sora is the main character of the video game called Kingdom Hearts. The rest of this entire article is completely false and you should disreguard any of these comments until you the game yourself and let yourself decide.
Contents |
[edit] Assault and Rape
Sora was reported to be allowing children to sleepover at his Kingdom Hearts ranch. This practice came under much media and public scrutiny, in 1993, when child molestation allegations were brought against Sora by a child who had stayed with him on several occasions. That year, Jordan Chandler, the son of former Beverly Hills dentist Evan Chandler, represented by civil lawyer Larry Feldman, accused Sora of child sexual abuse. On December 22, Sora responded to the allegations via satellite from his Kingdom Hearts compound and claimed to be "totally innocent of any wrongdoing". On January 25, 1994, Sora settled out of court with the accuser for an undisclosed sum, reported to be US$20 million and an all expense paid visit to Kingdom Hearts where he could defile the entire family instead of just one small boy. The family dropped the charges though declined his generous offer of sodomy.
[edit] Sexual Relationships
What you may not know is that after the Sora-Kairi hug at the end, there is a deleted scene (available on the rare bonus DVD, which was only given to one fucking person in the world) where it turns into a 'romantic' make-out, (or tongue wrestling, as Riku calls it), then the quick removal of clothes (3.14 seconds, a new record!), and they immediately start having sex in various positions. However, Sora forgot a condom, meaning that their child will most likely appear in KH3.
The removal of the hot sex scene caused a continuity error showing a mortified Goofy witnessing unspeakable acts without knowing just what these acts were. Now you know.
When Riku was asked about the sex incident, he replied " Hey, we had no choice. It's expensive to be shot from space into the water, and those Disney fat-cats were worried about money, so we had only one shot. It was a mere coincidence that Sora and Kairi's hormones kicked in at the time, and, because it was too expensive to repeat, they cut it out the ending scene. That annoying pregnancy, and no-one knowing about it'll cause issues though..."
Sora eventually fell out with Kairi when he caught her sharing a Paopu Fruit with a surferdude called Tidus. Sitting in his house, he was surprised when he found Larxene of Organization XIII at his door, even though he had previously killed her. She wore a rather seductive red dress. She knocked Sora out, chained him to a wall (and later a bed) and performed graphic sexual experiments on him for hours on end. Roxas wandered in and got involved too. Axel and Zexion later burst in and stopped the fun, Larxene was arrested and taken to prison with Kairi, after the redhead attacked her. Sora is currently now going to nightclubs and gay bars to hook up with someone, male or female and spends the rest of his time groping Riku's arse, as seen in Kingdom Hearts II.
[edit] Profile
Name: Sora McCartney
Gender: Male, Although mistaken for a female in the media.
Age: 17 (Not Legal Yet.)
Favourite Food: Known to like all varieties of Potions.
Favourite sport:
Favourite Game: Kingdom Hearts
Signature Saying: Im Sora, this is Donald, and That's Goofy.
Heroes: Mick Jagger, Doddieman, Fred Flintstone, Barack Obama, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Michael Jackson
Most Often Used Word: F word..france..
Coolness Quotient: Fanboy Magnet
Superpowers: Swearing profusely whilst in battle, sweating profusely in certain situations, fertility, and the ability to call upon Captain Planet when in doubt on recyclables
Favourite Band: Guns'N'Roses, Rammstein (but has been sighted at Sixpence None the Richer, Kelly Clarkson and Fergie concerts), an on-and-off member of The Wiggles and the Jackson 5) Technically, not a band, but he requested Utada Hikaru to do his theme songs.
Hobbies: Getting 20 ounces of coke and snorting it through a straw. If he can't get 20 ounces he just buys it by the liter, IN YO FACE, NUCKA
Favouirte Film: Ben Hur, 300, Lamb Chops Play Along the Movie IV: Soiled Sock to Super Star
Favourite Weather: Giant supernatural tornadoes though is partial to the odd meteoric swarm
General Attire: Colour-shifting porcupine stitched onto his head, wears big poofy shorts, size 'Rosie O'Donnell' shoes, in which he stows a Pikachu, a mini-fridge and every fucking item he finds in the game.
Guilty Pleasures: Enjoys smoking paopu, cardboard and Heartless essence at twilight with his drinking partner Riku.
Unknown Fact: He was born a blonde. However, this caused people to either A) Confuse him for a younger version of Cloud Strife or B) Not ever take him seriously. Ever. So he dyed it brown. Now no one questions him!
There has been much question around Sora and his sexuality. However, Sora has made it a habit to find the people who think he is gay and cut them to ribbons with the Keyblade. Or, actually, bludgeon them to death with it. I mean, come on. It's not a blade. It's just a big fucking magic key. The Heartless and Nobodies it kills aren't cut up, they burst into vapor!
