Soprano

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Black Canary
A soprano in action.
Earache2
The normal response to hearing a soprano

The soprano voice is the highest of all vocal ranges, usually between C4 - C6, but sometimes far, far higher.

Encountering a Soprano

These female voices are very piercing and might cause deafness, vertigo, brain damage and bleeding out of the ear. They are usually infuriatingly feminine, and spend hours putting on makeup, doing their hair and everything else. They generally present themselves to be a delicate little fairy and give the illusion that butter wouldn't melt in their mouthes (until they go into opera and discover restaurants and wine and put on 10 stone). Sopranos require a lot of time, care, attention and money. If they do not get these things, they will SCREAM.


Soprano: The Voice

Bridge Collapse
Result of the battle Christina Aguilera vs. Céline Dion.
Katebush1
Bird-like soprano Kate Bush. Delicate little fairy with a voice like PAIN

Soprano voices hurt. It is quite unnatural that any living being ought to make such high pitched screams, yet for some unknown reason, their voices are very highly prized in opera.

Even when talking, they sound slightly operatic and as if they have been huffing helium. If you live with one, you might wind up having to wear earplugs 24/7 just so you can hear them on a normal level without them accidently scrambling your brain to a soup.


Why You Only Normally Find Sopranos in Opera

As it happens, outside of opera, the only famous sopranos in popular music are Kate Bush, Charlotte Church (ex classical) and Minnie Ripperton (Lovin' you - aka ouch). This is because soprano voices are dangerous to listen to, the reason for this is; if the pop music industry was populated by soprano singers, half the western world would be deaf by now, and probably sueing the music moguls.


Shattering Glass

It is a well known fact that a soprano can shatter glass with her voice. This phenomenon has been studied by science, and a range of notes have been identified somewhere in the stratospheric octave that do this.
Glasssmash-1
These 6th octave notes (and above) have been scientifically tested to break glass when sung by a soprano

Researchers have tried to reproduce those notes on various instruments and computers, but have failed.

It is postulated that it therefore has something to do with a sopranos anatomy relating to the way that she projects the notes. The sound waves that a soprano singer produces are not ordinary; and studies using computer generated graphics reveal that these traveling sound waves look somewhat like a series of very sharp, pointy kitchen knives.

Sopranos are a Protected Species

Songthrush
The songthrush; Turdus philomelos, often confused with the soprano singer...

A Soprano is a Variety of Domestic Bird

Being domesticated avids, sopranos naturally share a lot of characteristics with wild birds, they are flighty, warble twitter or tweet and come in a variety of colors. They are also stalked by cats.


The Soprano Protection Act 1922

Sopranos were put on the protected species list as from September 17th, 1922 when a famous opera singer was shot with an air rifle, apparently mistaken for a thrush. Since that time, it has become an offense to hunt or kill this species of bird, and any prospective relationship with one must first be talked over with her father.


The Sopranos father

Sopranos are all daddy's girls and if you make one upset (which really isn't hard), they will scream and scream and SCREAM... then get their dad (who is 6'4", incidently sings bass (voice), and is built like a bull) to batter you. Failing that it will be their husband or their fiance who will be equally large and trained as a bouncer. Her father ensures that all her suitors are sufficiently large and muscular to ward off any types of predator.

Opera

Thedadddy
The soprano's daddy. He is actually the daddy...

Preperation for an Operatic Career

The father of a soprano realises that his delicate daughter has an awful lot of musical potential, so pays for her to have very expensive vocal training lessons.

As a consequence of these lessons, she will become even more demanding, snobby and develop a superiority complex. This results in the spending of more money on her to keep her from screaming.


Operatic Diva

When she has learned how to successfully shatter glass, her father will then pay for her to join an Opera Society, wherein she will play feminine roles such as banshees, queens and princesses, which consist of shrieking, ultrasonically screeching and warbling which draws attention to her femininity as a contrast to her already somewhat feminine male tenor counterparts, who will be playing the charming, if somewhat camp, princes.

Operadiet
The soprano's diet will eventually lead to her looking like this

Diet

A soprano cannot cook like an ordinary woman. She survives only on vast amounts of expensive restaurant cuisine, cream cakes and fine wines; all paid for, of course, by her daddy's credit card or her husbands or boyfriends...


The Audience

The audience consists of upper middle class, middle aged people who are also snobby. Opera is an acquired taste and a part of the culture of being over 40 and having too much money. However, they will congratulate the soprano and throw her flowers. This makes her even more snobby and she will feel superior to everyone else in the opera, apart from the tenor who she is attracted to, but who her daddy disagrees with...

The Male Soprano

Geddylee
Geddy Lee, well known Canadian male soprano

Women aside, there is a different species of soprano. The male soprano. These disturbing 'men' used to be called castrato; but since they stopped the castration of males to sing, this vocal type is now very rare and only belongs to a very few men such as Geddy Lee from the Canadian band Rush, who also incidently looks like Kate Bush.

As a matter of fact, Geddy Lee sings the exact same notes as Kate Bush does. If one listens to Rush and Kate Bush back to back - its actually quite scary...

They call this vocal type in classical music 'counter tenor', or 'sopranist' so as to be more politically as well as anatomically correct. That way it isn't so insulting as to call a male soprano a 'castrato'.

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