Sony
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| Sony or Sonyiset Incorporated | |||||||||||||||||||
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| Slogan | POWER!!! | ||||||||||||||||||
| Established | Tokyo, Japan (March 31 1912, as Apple Corps) | ||||||||||||||||||
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Sony is a small technology firm based out of Houston, Oregon. Best known for how shit they are and their line of livestock management devices, the PayStation I, II, and III, they also produce a line of personal entertainment devices based off of the same technology under the titles GameBox I, II, and IV. Over recent years Sony has also branched out to fill many other technology niches, including automatic pet feeders, and nose hair trimmers, natural deviations from their original livestock management system.
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[edit] History and the PayStation line
[edit] The PayStation I
Sony entered the technology market in the late 1980's, bringing more beige into a sea of what was already beige, with the original PayStation. Where most technology firms chose the color beige for their product specifically to utterly destroy every lingering scent of joy within the average workplace, Sony chose beige because it "matched pleasingly with the copious amounts of Pay the average PayStation user comes in contact with every day." This design choice directly resulted in the great Depression, as all HayStation users became dead inside after one week of contact with the PayStation.
[edit] The PayStation II
Sony attempted to remedy the PayStation I crisis with the PayStation II. Sony scientists worked for a year developing the correct shade of pink to bring joy back to PayStation users. By 1990, Sony released the PS2, which combined the above-average livestock management functionality of the PayStation I with the most cloying shade of pink reproducable by normal matter. While this did solve the loss of life-force PayStation I users experienced, after a time PayStation II users began to experience explosive projectile vomiting after looking at the radiant pink of the PayStation. In a few cases, even the managed livestock experienced the nauseous effects of the PSII. At least three deaths were recorded at a Spitting Cobra farm in South Angola.
[edit] The PayStation III
By the year 2000, Sony had completed enough research and weathered enough lawsuits to release the PayStation III, supposedly the most awe-striking example of Livestock Management Devices on the planet. This advanced piece of equipment is constructed by straping a PayStation II to a Blu-Ray player (masking tape is the best). Capable of connecting to WiFi, playing Blu-Ray, HDDVD, and floppy disks, holding up to 12 TB of MP3s, making food, walking, becoming self-aware, instigating the technological singularity, and dispensing hay, It made capable most things on earth but it does have the weakness of having no games to actually play on it and is often used to help Sony fan boys to over compensate, also one day it may receive a price drop and allow you to purchase this machine without taking out a new mortgage and using your children as collateral. Also rumour states that this has caused the USA to have a financial crisis. The PSIII has been referred to by Farm and Technology magazine as "... by far the greatest thing since sliced bread..." As soon as Livestock Management Software becomes available for the PSIII, this may hold true.
[edit] The Gamebox Line
Sony's Gamebox line was a much less successful venture than the PayStation. Working on a recently proposed theory that sitting indoors and pushing little buttons could be more fun than going outside or making the most of life. In reality however, people did choose to go outside, and countless billions of dollars and hours were not poured into developing fancier and fancier ways to be even more useless to human development. This didn't stop Sony from making two initial editions of the GameBox, the GameBox I and II, which suffered from the same problems as the PayStation I and II. Upon Development of the Gamebox III, early focus group testing revealed that poor sales were not in fact a factor of color, but of the intense desire of people to go outside and be productive members of society. As a result, Sony quickly released the GameBox IV, which was a novelty flying disc.
[edit] Robotics
Sony was plunged into controversy in 2003, when they attempted to market a robotic pet to simulate all the functions of a real pet with none of the life and joy. The 'Cyber Woof 3000' was marketed as 'the world most advanced pet robot,' even capable of expelling chemically simulated dookie out of a rear-mounted hatch. However it was not long before consumer focus group testing revealed the product to be a Yorkshire Terrier with a tiny helmet. Deftly avoiding what would surely be a public relations fiasco, Sony quickly sold the entire stock of Cyber Woofs to the RSPCA who released them into the South Downs. This maneuver would be seen as a defining trait of Sony's corporate ethos.
Sony has also worked on more functional robotics projects to perform human functions. While still in development, Sony has successfully made robots walk, dance and pick things up. Technology theorists have suggested that with Sony's recent advances, we may no longer need to walk, dance, or pick up things by the year 2027.
[edit] Other Products
Sony has manufactured a number of TVs, Media players, Sound systems, automatons, and hive-mind robotic colonies, but the only product that became worthy of note was the Hay Station Portable, a miniature, slimmed down version of the HayStation. The product was intended to allow the dispensation of Hay in remote areas, but was rapidly perverted into a covert means for Straw Addicts to transport Straw under the guise of hay dispensation specialists
