Sonic Youth

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“I don't understand what they're doing, but I respect what they're doing. Hah, just kidding. I think they're shit.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sonic Youth

“What a rip!”

~ Sonic the Hedgehog on Sonic Youth

“We made it first, idiot!”

~ Sonic Youth on Sonic the Hedgehog

Rare photograph from the infamous 1994 MTV Awards performance, in which the original Steve Shelley was killed.

Sonic Youth are an American free-art-rock-avant-punk-core-jazz-garde musical group from New York City, USA. They are kind of a Rock band, if you want to be so glib. Signed to an Earth-based record company, Sonic Youth have released ten-thousand full length records in their long, long career, growing in popularity in the 1990s with their explosive collaborations with Public Enemy and Will Smith.

Famous celebrity William Shatner is a self-described 'sonic youth addict' and has thusly been placed in sonic rehab. His 1996 spoken word cover of 'Scooter and Jinx' was mildly successful, receiving a nomination for MTV's 'Best Rock' award. His accompanied video for the cover also won an award. It co-starred Paris Hilton.

[edit] Members

"Stone Cold" Steve Shelley - sex conquest
Lee Analdo - Guitar, vocals, a mean round of poker
Kim Gobble - Some bass, zombie-like moaning, spastic flailing
Thurston "G Howell" Moore - Guitar, vocals, Beck impersonations
Jim O'Dork (2001-2005) - Pokemon Silver
Mark Ibold (2006-present) - Ukelele, Bass, Glockenspiel, Sitar, beer

Also, even though it doesn't appear in the liner notes, a Jon Spencer actually appears on A Thousand Leaves, singing most of the songs credited to Kim Gordon on the album through a voice-changing microphone he bought. Spencer has since pursued royalties for his work. When asked about the court matters, Spencer offered only "I say the blues is number one!", followed by unintelligible pseudo-blues babble. Swa(y) probably has an opinion on this.

[edit] The 'Fifth Sonic'

Although there have been over 8 members of Sonic Youth over the years, there has always been a rumored, elusive, 'Fifth Sonic'. Initially thought to just be Jim O'Dork, the Fifth Sonic is now thought by historians to be 2-Shank, a pansexual chinese rapper who befriended the band in 1984. Little is known about 2-Shank, his age, whereabouts, or health.

In early 2006, 2-Shank was 'exposed' by Sonic Youth fans as William Hung, an asian B-list celebrity. Further confusion was caused when the 'real 2-Shank' came forward, one No Chin Fat, a New York restaurant owner. It is thought we may never know who the 'real'[2-Shank is. An article surfaced on Pitchsuck Media November 8, 2006 supposedly revealed the identity of 2-Shank, but the article was removed three days later at the request of Steve Shelley.

William Hung, as of April 2009, been exposed as one Steve Shelley.

[edit] Sonic Birth

Sonic Youth formed in 1981, at a 3-day long Glenn Branca concert in New York City. The concert consisted of one set, and one song. Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon were attending the show for a hot date, when they met Lee Ranaldo. Lee had fallen down a day earlier, and had been severely trampled under the massive crowd because no-one had noticed due to the lack of Uma Thurman. Uma's absence has caused many accidents in the world of the Sonics.

Lee later described the ordeal as "the most exciting day of [his] life". There, on the spot where Thurston and Kim found Lee, a legend was born. A legend that is more legendary than most other legends. A legend that will last a lifetime. And another damn album of nothing but feedback.

The trio decided to form a band, inspired by the Glenn Branca concert they had seen, which claimed the ears of 17 people. Thurston recruited Steve Shelley (also known as Harry Potter), an old friend and fellow history major (specializing in The Land of Chocolate) from Clown Enema University, to play drums. At the first Sonic Youth concert, hilarity unsued when the band realised each member had already recruited a drummer, and three drummers showed up. "Oh, you guys!" exclaimed Lee Ranaldo, in an inflection suggesting he was on a cheesy tv sitcom (he was not). Infact, Despite trying to hide it for a few moments so as not to look mental, Ranaldo was so angry about this situation that he got up and pissed in the water cooler. He has since then spat in the face of anyone who has three of something.

Sonic Youth are also notable for experimenting heavily with mind-expanding drugs in their early days, including, occasionally, oxygen.

The concert that followed was an explosion of guitar noise, heavy duty construction, thai cooking, and drums. Five people were killed when Lee Ranaldo unleashed his THX Amp upon the crowd, causing random audience member's heads to explode. Famous celebrity Pope John Paul II, who attended the show, remarked "That was fuckin' killer. Wait 'til I tell GG Allin about this shit!"

[edit] Sonic Trivia

Steve Shelley, the elusive drummer, has also sometimes been known to kick sonic ninja ass.

In 1984 at a show in Florida, Sonic Youth challenged famous rapper The Game to rap battle. It is recorded that The Game was trounced by the Royal Thurston "Tuff Titty" Moore's spactacular rap display. The Game suffered from 3rd degree burns, and spent several years in a Mental Trauma Center. "Holy toledo!," he was noted to exclaim, "that cat can kick it!".

Sonic Youth appeared in the blockbusting film Huskers On a Plane. Which was released in the summer of 1984. Joan Rivers also made an appearance. The Sonic Youth are also rumored to star alongside William Shatner in the upcoming sequel, Huskers On a Rocket, which is still in it's pre-production stages. More information can be found here [1]

In 2006, Thurston Moore teamed up with Evian to release the highly successful Thursty 4 Moore, a hip hop record which benefited children in areas where the water was undrinkable. To date, it has brought over 67 million bottles of water to areas of Mexico, India, and Detroit.

During the initial pressing of their 1992 album Dirty, Sonic Youth personally injected each and every copy of the album with Heroin, believing that Nirvana used this technique to sell so many copies of Nevermind. However, they later discovered that the first million copies of Nevermind were actually doused in semen from Courtney Love's mouth. Most industry insiders believe that Love must have been blowing Kurt Cobain and Billy Corgan at the same time to amass this much semen. Butch Vig is believed to be the source of this misinformation, which ultimately destroyed Sonic Youth's attempts at mainstream success. Luckily, Vig discovered the truth before Garbage's self-titled debut record was released in 1995.

Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon are both followers of the church of Stephen Malkmus, contrary to the many biographies that state they are Catholic. Their daughter, Bobo, was named after Harlan T. Bobo, founder of Clown Enema University.

Despite the flamboyant rumors that Thurston Moore is an extensive record collector, the truth is that Moore only listens to Slayer, Goatwhore, and Miley Cyrus. On one occasion when Steve Shelley bought Thurston a Rage Against The Machine CD for his birthday, Thurston smashed the gift in front of everybody and ran upstairs to his bedroom to sulk moodily. By the time Kim Deal coaxed him out of his bedroom with the promise of hot indie sex, Thurston had written Rather Ripped.

[edit] Sonic is Old

Even in old age, they still laugh at a good fart

Fans of the band are waning as they nod and sigh in agreement that Kim Gordon just isn't hot anymore, with all the stretch marks, sagging breasts, and wrinkles that go all the way up.

It has been confirmed by various tests that Thurston Moore is indeed twelve years old, and does not age. "This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," stated Dr. Stan Butcher of Clown Enema University, "but I'm happy no-one is suffering."

In the summer of 2003, Lee Ranaldo was diagnosed with Corrugated Ankles, a bone defect caused by driving over curbs repeatedly on a bicycle. He has learned to live with the crippling disease, and has founded the Ranaldo Institute for Corrugated Ankles to help fellow sufferers cope.

[edit] Knuckles Death

Squatting in LA and living in the towering shadow of his brother Thurston's success with his band, Sonic Youth, Landon Moore started a horn-based ambient collective known as Knuckles Death. They vowed to play music that was dissimilar in every aspect to the music of Sonic Youth. They played a few live shows in LA before being noticed by some big time record executives. They were immediately picked up by Universal Music Group, but didn't release any material for their entire three years with the label, and were promptly dropped.

Upset with the labels decision, Landon went into a deep depression, consuming a diet consisting solely of hot dogs and cheeseballs. He was only brought out of his depression when he met his future-wife, Kim Morton. Eventually, the two became a couple and they met two local construction workers, Leigh Granaldo and Steve Smelley. The two were highly influenced by the sounds of jackhammers and passing cars.

Excited with the prospect of bringing back the Knuckles name, Landon recruited his new friends to start a band. Knuckles Death soon became darlings of the then declining Yes-Wave scene of Los Angeles. Their debut EP, which was self titled, was released on Warmonger records in 1980 to extremely positive reviews and adoration. Landon's interest in the Los Angeles softcore scene, particularly the band White Flag and their lead singer Benry Hollands, caused the band to change direction on their next release, Certainty Is Abstinence. Then they did a bunch of other shit. Their discography is as follows: