Some Old Guy
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“He hurt my feelings. He says I'm both too gay and not gay enough. I mean, make up your mind.”
Some Old Guy (born Some Old Duffer) is a extremist old person, wanted for the crime of showing up everywhere and complaining about everything. He also dislikes Oscar Wilde very much, and should be hung for it. He was 86 years old when he was born (the evilest number ever to be), and he is now 3102. But he's still cranking on, and shows no signs at all of dying any time soon! Shock Horror! God help us all! Kill me now!
Although Some Old Guy is unpopular to many, he is not unpopular to all. You see, due to his unexplained ability to show up everywhere, a growing band of people (mostly hippies) have come to think of him as God. They call Him "Grand Complainer of the Universe", and they call themselves "Hollerists". However we call them idiots. The Hollerists follow Some Old Guy wherever he goes, and agree with whatever he says. Most of the time Some Old Guy doesn't even notice his followers; he's too busy complaining. However this doesn't bother the Hollerists, as they are too busy sucking up to him to notice that he doesn't notice that they're sucking up to him.
edit He Must Have A Proper Name?
Yes, he does. Some Old Guy. Just like someone may be called John Alexander Smith, this guy is called Some Old Guy. Get it? First name Some, middle name Old, surname Guy. You're a bit thick, aren't you.
edit Will He Ever Shut Up?!
Some Old Guy has complained about pretty much everything. You name it, he's complained about it. Here is a list of just some of his complaints:
- "Back in my day, there were no people around to complain about everything. I had to do it all! It was a tough job!"
- "I see at least four groups of chemically bonded atoms in this sweed. I'm not eating it until you break them down."
- "When I was your age, we didn't have cars and buses. We had little things called feet!"
- "The youth of today are complete jerks."
- "I'm a miserable old fart and I don't anyone doing anything about it!"
- "KEEP OFF THE GRASS, you hooligans! Can't you read the sign?"
- "Back in the year 0855 there were no mobile telephones. We just had to shout as loud as we could and hope that someone would hear us."
- "When I was your age, we didn't have no fancy, shmancy viagra. We got our dicks hard the old fashioned way - with glory holes!"
- "You rotten kids have had it too soft! Back in my day, I had to get up at half two in the morning, and walk 70 miles to school uphill both ways, only to get the cane for being too tired."
- "When I was a lad we had to work 25 hours a day, and every night when we came home, our father would murder us, In cold blood!"
- "You Blasted Idiot, I said I wanted a Cheese on Toast not a Chease on Burnt Hard Bread, I condem you to hell!"
- "You misiable young twirp!, i'm not letting you sit here this is my seat!"
- "You boy, are so patheticly spoilt!, you think your so big & clever, well your not, your mother should be in prison!"
- "When I was a kid all i had to eat was grass, i and i never complained"
Maybe it's just me, but I find some of these quotes a bit far-fetched. Half two in the morning? Rubbish.
edit The Chicken or The Egg?
Some Old Guy is the only person who knows which came first, the chicken or the egg. The answer, when questioned, is "Stop harassing me you bastard! Just wait till I get the cops on your ass! They'll chuck you in jail and club you and give you the chair and inject lethal doses..." followed by inaudiable ramblings. But don't worry, he won't stop us from knowing the answer, because it's obviously the egg. You can't deny it. I mean, a chicken can't just come from nowhere, can it? It has to hatch from an egg! Duuuuuuh! Wait... Or, was it the chicken? Or the egg? Or neither? Or both? It is all so abstract, and confusing! >.<
edit Evading The Authorities
As I said earlier, Some Old Guy is a highly wanted man among all the police and army forces, even that crappy made-up one. Although they've had at least 1000 years to catch him, not one force has succeded. It seems that his complaints are so powerful that they repel any who tries to catch him. Once, when faced with a huge battalion of S.W.A.T. troopers, he complained and belittled them so much that they were physically unable to grab him. They described it as "like trying to run against a gale". Eventually they just gave up and let him go.
Countless forces have tried the same thing and had no luck. Even torpedoes can't reach him; just as they are about to hit they swerve around and blow up the attacker instead. Expert officials say that even if he did lose his complaining power, those idiots that follow him around would probably protect him. It looks like we'll be stuck with him forever. And now I'm depressed. Thanks for nothing, jerk.
edit Some Old Guy Racism
Some Old Guy is often prone towards racism, or intolerance of other cultures and beliefs. He is especially intolerant of Mexicans and migrant workers. ex: the principal of Pedro Sanchez in Napoleon Dynamite .
“What a miserable old fart.”
“Back in my day, we walked fifteen miles to get a pint of milk. And goddamnit, we liked it!”
“Right lads, we've got competiton. Send in the Goon Angels.”
“SHUT UP A DIE, YOU UGLY OUTDATED POINTLESS LIFE-FORM!!!!”
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