Soma©
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
First, if you are looking for a supply of Soma then simply click HERE -- Ha! Bet you tried, go on, admit it! Well, Uncyclopedia regrets to inform you that Soma© (सोम) is a celestial beverage in Indian mythology, aka Hinduism, that is, essentially, non-existant, and never ever found in this material creation. According to the original Sanskrit Vedic texts, Soma is a non-material drink only existing in Svarga (heaven), and it has no mundane counterpart. Yet it has long been copyrighted by Hinduism just for a laugh.[1] Although bogus Soma-pills and Soma the sex-goddess are both found on the Internet in abundance as aphrodisiacs, only the latter is found to be effective, and is approved by both Hugh Hefner and the FDA.[2]
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[edit] Hindustanistan Authority on Soma
Based on the following ancient Hindustanistani verse by the gods, Soma has been recognized and reviled, "since before the creation of the cosmos." (Ref. ब्रह्मांड के सृजन से पहले):
हिप वेद: तीसरी काण्ड, इकतीस अध्याय, छंद सत्रह:[3]
सोमा एक स्वर्ग में देवता द्वारा प्रयोग दवा के नाम के लिए है
यदि लोग यह कोशिश वे एक चमकदार रोशनी में गायब हो जाएगा
अगर तुम कोशिश करना चाहते हो, तो पहला नमूना नहीं लागत है
ठीक है, मूर्ख! एक खुराक ले लो और पूरी तरह से पागल हो जाना
TRANSLATION OF TRANSLATION BY HANS MULLUER (1876): "Soma is a drug used by the gods and hippies in Heaven. If humans try it they will vanish in a bright light. If you want to try, then the first sample is free. Ok, sucker! Take one hit and go completely nuts"
And, हम एक और खुराक कि तुम फिर से वापस नहीं कल दांव लगाना होगा - हा हा हा!
TRANSLATION OF TRANSLATION BY HANS MULLUER (1876): "We would bet another dose that you won't return again tomorrow - ha ha ha!"
[edit] History
The wily invaders from wretched Persia knew that the Hindus were generally getting stoned once in a while. So they would invade India only when the Indians were generally getting stoned once in a while. Having thus invaded, they'd become insiders, get high themselves, and fall prey to yet another band of invaders lurking on the horizon who wished to invade India only when the Indians were generally getting stoned once in a while.[4]
Constant Muslim plan-formula to invade India:
عندما يسطل الهنود، نهجم ونسيطر عليها
TRANSLATION OF TRANSLATION BY LARRY OF ARABIA:
"When Indians get stoned, then attack and control (Soma)!"
And each time the Muslim hordes would invade they always offer all Indians the same option:
استمع يا صديقي ، لديك خياران : إما أن تعتنق الإسلام ، أو نأخذ كل السوما!
TRANSLATION OF TRANSLATION BY LARRY OF ARABIA:
"Listen, friend, you have two choices: Either convert to Islam, or we'll take away all the Soma!"
Later, when the Islamites found out that there really was no Soma on Earth, and that the Indians were, in fact, stoned on common Bhang (भांग}, which is a preparation made from the leaves and flowers of the female Cannabis plant that's consumed as a drink.[5], they decided to remain anyway - and settle for bhang, even though Soma sounds much more exotic.
[edit] Modern Soma
[edit] Composition
Based on Vedic descriptions of Soma's effects given by the Hindu gods, Dr. Timothy Leary concocted a formula for synthetic Soma which would produce similar effects. The formula (patented in the Cayman Islands), although strictly top-secret, is given as follows: For one gram of pure synthetic Soma mix 12 grams of Psilocybin, one kilo of Dimethyltryptamine, 4 quarts of MDMA, 16 grams Tetrahydrocannabinol, 2 tons of pure Afghani opium, 2 grams Blow Fish poison, and one gallon of Bangladeshi "moonshine" (screened for HIV). The mixture is simmered over a high flame in a gigantic freshly minted uranium pot (300 meters x 300 meters) for three days until solid. Place solid mixture and pass through an industrial size sugar-cane crusher. This should result in producing one potent Gram of Soma (approx 4,000,000,000 hits).[6]
[edit] Usage
If there ever was a thing such as Soma, it would probably be used for the following:
- Sure cure for Death®.[7]
- Hang with the gods and watch paisley Belly Dancers.
- Get your Zanzibari Magic Carpet to work.
- See musical notes written in tooth paste.
- Laugh uncontrollably at A very thought.
- See your friend with the head of a pig.
- Discover general irrelevant relativity.
- Getting lost in your own bedroom.
- To approach God on HIGH.
- Sell for a fucking fortune, and..
- Generally get stoned once in a while.
[edit] Effects
“Because when I asked him to leave my shop he pointed to the sign on back of the door which said "closed" - Ha! He thought that meant the world!”
The imaginary effect of Soma on the brain is briefly recorded in Chapter V, Canto XI of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It narrates the journey of two disciples wanting to attain Nirvana aka Voidism. They travel to the Himalayan peaks after meditating on a sufficient amount of Soma to last them the whole journey. Before the Tibetan Book of the Dead died, Sir Walter Buckingham copied down the lesson. In his English translation the episode is recorded as thus:
PROLOGUE - Two disciples, A and B, having meditated themselves with .00000003 micro-grams of Soma, travel to the top of the Himalayas, and commence meditating in silence for several years to attain Nirvana.
LIFE EXPERIENCE - A and B sit in meditation in icy winds, on icy floors, respiring icy air, surrounded by icy silence for one whole icy year.
and another year passes.
yet another year passes.
A - "It's, like, so quiet..."
another year passes.
and yet another year passes.
B - "Will you shut up for God's sake?"[8]
[edit] Falsies
Bogus replications of this mystical treat have caused: "slight euphoria, hallucinations, giddiness, munchies, kleptomania, paranoia, tail-spin, life, death, worse than death, and an insatiable desire for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup."[9] Although bogus Soma, composed of common Carisoprodol, has been proven to do something, still neither Uncyclopedia nor anyone else (including users) knows what.
[edit] Contraindications
Soma is contraindicated in women who are pregnant, planning to get pregnant, were once pregnant, or were born from a pregnancy. It is also contraindicated in humans[10], because if you bought some then you've been hoodwinked.
[edit] Legality
“IF Soma existed it would be classified as an unScheduled drug!”
Soma, although non-existent, would be illegal IF it were existent, or if Timothy Leary were alive, or if Jack Bauer took it, which ever comes first. Mean while, the formula is given above, so all you need is a huge factory and a good on-line shopping cart. Oh! And a damn good lawyer, too![11]
[edit] Alternate Definition of Soma
“Hubba! Hubba!!”
A web search for "Soma" reveals a handful of bogus brands, and also 3,521,278 photographs of actual Soma, a famous model, who is shown here. THIS is Soma for real.[12]
[edit] See also
[edit] References
- ↑ The Rigveda (8.48.3)
- ↑ WIRED, "The quintessential BS", May 2003
- ↑ Hip Ved: 3rd Canto, 31st Chapter, Verse 17 (23 BS)
- ↑ "History of the Psychedelic Experience" by Richard M. Nixon, GE Publishing, 1974
- ↑ bhang definition The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. Retrieved 10 September 2006.
- ↑ "Soma Made Easy" by the Brotherhood of Eternal Love, No Hope Without Dope Publishing, 1968
- ↑ Pending approval of Illuminati Medical Association (IMA©®†zOsO)
- ↑ Sir Buckhingam's only surviving copy of "Yogi" is moth eaten; however, most scholars of Psychedelia concur that this is the most faithful account of the effects of soma-meditation on the human brain.
- ↑ You heard it first in Uncyclopedia, so thank your lucky stars!
- ↑ DEA Handbook, eternally
- ↑ Jesus H. Christ!!! Are you still reading this absurd twaddle? Read it once, shame on it! Read it twice, shame on you!
- ↑ Copyright holder: WWW
