Solid Snake
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“SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!”
~ Otacon on Solid Snake
“Ironic, isn't it?”
~ Solid Snake on his erectile dysfunction.
“Solid Snake? He might as well be called Erect Cock!”
~ Angry Video Game Nerd on Solid Snake
Solid Snake - more often called Snake - is a soldier of fortune occasionally employed by the U.S. government to shut down production of nuclear weapons systems by defeating soldiers with gimmicky names and extremely bizarre abilities.
Solid Snake has two identical twins: Liquid Snake, who is the same as him in every way except evil; and Solidus Snake, who is the same as him in every way except he is also evil and additionally, consumes steroids like Smarties.
After considerable research, there is still no consensus on why these three men have such catastrophically bad names - especially Solidus, whose impressive creativity and imagination seem limited to adding two-letter suffixes to an already established name.
If you are trying to kill Snake, you should be aware of his strengths and weaknesses compared to the standard soldier of fortune. These characteristics are set forth in detail below.
Voiced by Jennifer Hale.
[edit] Strengths
[edit] Can stop time in order to chit-chat
If you engage Snake in combat, don't be surprised if, upon firing your gun, your bullet slows to a crawl mid-flight to give Snake a chance to squat down, press a radio to his ear, and ask for advice on how to kill you.
Fortunately, this advice will probably not be very good. More likely, some motherly medic-type will ask Snake if he's seen The Creature From the Black Lagoon. She may even start rambling on insanely about "pressing the action button," despite the complete absence of buttons in the area. In fact, intercepted radio signals have shown that Snake's associates constantly reference various buttons they believe he should press, "controller ports" he should change, and something they call "saving".
[edit] Can survive many, many gunshot wounds
Snake has been shot tens of thousands of times. It takes him approximately thirty seconds to recover completely from a shotgun blast to the head. The only way to kill Snake is to fill him with dozens or hundreds of bullets within just a few seconds. Alternatively, you could jog around next to the edge of a cliff, which will often confuse him enough to stupidly fall over the edge.
When shot, Snake may swallow some kind of fake death pill in order to feign death. The only way to be certain that he is really dead is to listen to his radio; if he has, in fact, shuffled off his mortal coil, someone will invariably yell "Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!"
Even if you confirm that you have killed Snake, be aware that he has the ability to time-travel a few minutes backward to undo his death. If this happens, you will suddenly be standing where you were a while ago, experiencing a heavy sense of deja-vu, but with no actual memory of his death. Snake, however, retains his memory and knows exactly where you'll be, giving him a huge advantage. Thus, next time you experience deja-vu, it is best to desert your post immediately, go someplace you have never been before, and stay there.
[edit] Can carry many things
One of Snake's most extraordinary qualities is the ability to carry roughly seventeen metric tonnes of equipment without any kind of convoy, backpack, or even a bulge in his pocket. Somehow, Snake manages to move unencumbered despite carrying an AK-47, a sniper rifle, a shotgun, a Stinger missile launcher, twenty-four grenades, eight claymore mines, a selection of Japanese pornography,a railgun the size of a baby bull elephant and a cardboard box big enough to hide a grown man.
[edit] Can Sap Enemy Commander's Will
Nobody is sure how Snake does it, but the evidence is well-documented and overwhelming. When Snake is in the territory of a hostile military force, and is spotted, the rank-and-file duly pursue him, and the commanders order backup to assist. But there are few records of any pursuit of Snake lasting more than 100 seconds, and interviewed soldiers have suggested these seconds often seemed to pass faster than normal time. In almost all cases, troops are called off the pursuit and told to "increase patrols" long before the trail grows cold; after a minute or two of this "heightened" security, the commanders give up entirely and call off the extra patrols. One of the few exceptions was the case of a young Soviet GRU commander who had Snake surrounded under a building, and was able to reason that as long as Snake hadn't crawled out yet, he was still under there. It has been suggested that Snake's ability was due to a still-secret Cold War psi-weapon, and that only high-level intelligence operatives could counter its effects.
[edit] Weaknesses
[edit] Extremely poor disguises
When fleeing, Snake will sometimes whip a cardboard box out of nowhere, duck down, and pull it over his head. At this point, if you were pursuing him, you won't see him; all you'll see is a cardboard box inexplicably sitting in the middle of a jungle. Don't be fooled! It may look like an empty cardboard box inexplicably sitting in the middle of a jungle, but it's actually a cardboard box with Solid Snake in it sitting in the middle of a jungle. You may be inclined to exclaim "huh?", approach the box cautiously, and kick it. Do not. A better idea is to pump thousands of bullets into the box and hope Snake dies before you run out of ammunition.
Snake is also under the impression that donning a lab coat and a pair of glasses will make everyone think that he is a scientist. Unfortunately for him, he is unlikely to consider the fact that Rambo-style bandannas and camouflage face paint are not standard features of scientist attire. He's also unlikely to consider the fact that the lab you are guarding probably employs fewer than six scientists, and you already know who they are. If you do spot him, standard procedure is to leer at his face for thirty seconds and then yell "Hey! Who are you!" This terrible policy has led to the death of an unfortunate number of guards. In the future, if you see an unfamiliar scientist, shoot him.
[edit] Inability to look directly forward
Snake is notoriously bad at looking where he's going. For example: if Snake runs directly towards you, pulling out his gun to shoot you, he will invariably suddenly turn ninety degrees to the right and aim at the wall. The only way you can possibly lose this "quick draw", is to make the all-too-common error of exclaiming "Huh?", pulling out your radio and yelling "It's the enemy!" Running behind a barrel and sticking your head out will only compound your problem. It's probably just best to squeeze off a few rounds into Snake's skull, which may, possibly, hurt him.
Additionally, while Snake can turn around as fast as anyone else when he isn't trying to look directly at you, it takes him a full six seconds to turn around when he is. In theory, then, a good strategy to employ against Snake would be to jog in circles around him, emptying magazine after magazine into his body.
While Snake can hold his own in hand-to-hand combat, and usually knocks his opponent to the floor, he cannot continue striking without lowering himself to a prone position first. If you remain on the ground until Snake decides to lie down, then get up, you will have the advantage.
If you are fortunate enough to surprise Snake while he is squatting or on one knee, he may attempt to run, but instead end up laying face down on the floor, writhing around as though he were trying to crawl somewhere. Some have attributed this to a neuromuscular disorder, others see it as a cornered man trying to evoke sympathy from his captors. Whatever the reason, this rare opportunity to kill Snake easily should never be wasted.
[edit] Difficulty kicking in doors
One clever way to toy with Snake is to lock a bathroom stall or locker and then throw some kind of package into it. Snake will attempt to beat the door off its hinges with his fists, which will cause it to fall on him. Despite the light weight of these kinds of doors, it will knock him to the ground, and he'll roll around writhing underneath it until he manages to sort of wiggle or teleport through the door.
[edit] Unusual caloric requirement
In just a few hours, Snake will devour literally dozens of military rations. He has also been known to eat reticulated pythons, live rabbits, mutant crocodiles, and anything else he can sink his teeth into. He will eat them raw, without skinning, cooking, or even killing them first. Without this constant supply of calories, Snake will first shake like a guy with Parkinson's, and within minutes, will collapse and die.
Ergo, consider dealing with Snake the same way you would deal with mice: don't leave food lying around. Whatever you do, do not package rations into octagon-shaped boxes, place a magnet underneath them so they hover an inch above the floor, spin them clockwise, and then leave dozens of them under every bed and behind every crate on the property. Such an extremely foolish food storage strategy will provide Snake with all the sustenance, substance, and subsistence he needs to kill you.
[edit] Possible deafness
Although Snake is responsive to loud noises, he asks lots of obvious questions, suggesting that he might have trouble with his hearing. For example, he will always repeat names and locations. For example, if you were to tell Snake you live in California, Snake would reply, "California?". Perhaps the fifteen years he's spent firing loud automatic weapons have caught up to him.
If Snake ever tries to interrogate you at gunpoint, consider telling him your name is "Lord Marcus Thomas Randy Bowman-Schneider McFarland Thompson Randolph Lee Brady III". By the time he's repeating the "McFarland", you should be pretty far away.
[edit] Weak lungs
Snake is a tobacco smoker; however, he can't tolerate more than one or two drags at a time. Smoking for more than two minutes at a time will cause him to collapse and die. Due to the aforementioned difficulty of killing Snake through conventional means, you might actually do better to toss packs of Marlboro Reds at him.
