Solaris

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TheCapitol

A panoramic view of Solaris, taken from the top of Mt. Rheya. This panorama encompasses all of Solaris, proving just how small it really is. Shown in this photo are the planet's three major cities (from right to left): Lavender Town, Hounourville, the Penalty Box, and Canada.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Solaris.

Solaris, also known as Utopia by residents of Earth and Electric Ladyland strictly by Americans, is the seventh planet from the blue star known as Catholia -- a system whose planets are mostly inhospitable but still provides a wide range of foodstuffs.

Unlike other alien worlds, such as Garnox and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Solaris is neither hateful, spiteful, nor envious toward Earth. In fact, the Solarians rather pity our Third Rock from the Sun with its depressing politics and laws against the most satisfying of illicit drugs, and through history, they have made it their goal to provide our planet with that happy sort of little things in life. As of this day and age, it has been confirmed as the source of (in no particular order): scientology, both Greek and Polish mythology, the 70's, pothead mysticism, and the technology used by Apple to create the iPhone 5C (though this last claim is often hotly debated.)

In more recent times, Solaris has become most famous as the chief filming site of the popular TV melodrama SuperSkye, a reenactment of a series of funny events which really happened during the course of World War II (and parts of the Golf War, too!)[1]. If you haven't heard of it, that's probably a good sign that you're an American, because it's currently banned in the good old US of A -- not melodramatic enough, they say. However, it's quite the cult sensation in New Zealand. Thus, New Zealandish tourists come and go regularly between Earth and Solaris by means of beer-and-breast-fueled spaceships, and they have undergone quite the effort to make their homeland resemble Solaris as well. However, because of the show, they often wrongly refer to Solaris as "Skaylia", and that is just sad.

So, believe it or not, Solaris, unlike Middle Earth, is not just New Zealand. Rather, it simply looks a lot like it. Or, rather, the other way around -- New Zealand looks a lot like Solaris. Solaris came first.

edit Inhabitants

“Call us "Skaylians" ONE MORE TIME!”
~ Solarians on New Zealanders

Solaris, compared to other planets otherwise quite similar to it, is truly quite small. It has a population of roughly 728 (And Growing!), not counting the ever-present swaths of coming-and-going New Zealanders. Again, not counting those pesky Zeals, it is populated by several main species who live in harmony -- mostly.

edit The Solarians

The very aptly named dominant race of Solaris, and the namesake of the planet itself -- a right they earned only after years and years of exerting their supreme power through death rays and amps that go to 11. Contrary to popular belief, it was not the other way around -- the Solarians did not take their name from their planet, but rather, the planet took its name from the Solarians.[2] When it comes down to it, Solarians are not at all unlike humans, but select differences do exist. Their fashion is very tacky[3]. On top of this, they also seem to often dress in gaudy, avant-garde rainbow colors. They even have a tendency to wear snow beanies, even in hot weather. Seriously, what is wrong with them? Nobody would ever do that! As you have probably guessed by now, they are a very strange race. On a conveniently unrelated note, their most popular genre of music is surf rock.

edit The Dragons

In Solaris, the dragons are the big bad bosses. Nope, nobody messes with the dragons. In fact, Solaris was once governed by a dragon by the name of Ronald Langhorn[4]. Before the discovery of dragons, it was assumed that the Solarians were the prominent race of the planet, and in fact, this is still commonly believed[5]. However, it is not true. The Solarians may think they're cool in their snow beanies, but dragons surpass them in several key fields: quickness of ramen production, gaudiness, ability to cheat in chess without going noticed, and number of pie-eating contests won yearly.

Contrary to popular Earthly belief, dragons aren't flying, overgrown iguanas. This is simply a rumor spread by the likes of Christopher Paolini. Instead, they are a strange, shape-shifting species that can take whatever form they please. On most days, they prefer to take the forms of chipmunks, as this is the easiest form for them to manage. However, it is true that they can breathe fire, and they won't hesitate to do so if one insults the way that they roast marshmallows.

edit The Fairies

Fairies, often misspelled as Faeries by those with no soul, are very much like the Solarians. However, they have an affinity for pink and usually wear nothing but it. Fairies carry pistols (typically the ceramic variants; yes, they've got class) everywhere they go, and when messed with, they aren't afraid to use them. Most are girls, and most are lesbians.

edit The Ocean

It took quite a while for the Solarians to figure it out, but as it turns out, Solaris's ocean is one giant, eldritch being whose name, as most believe, is Frank. Though he has the ability to read minds and speak telepathically to anyone he pleases[6], he can speak only Polish, so it's difficult for most to communicate with him. Still, he's really an amicable fellow. He enjoys country music, he keeps quite the extensive pocket calculator collection, and he seems to have no problem with people taking a dip in him from time to time. But then again, who wouldn't enjoy that?

edit Helen Mirren

Yes, Helen Mirren is a Solarian, not a New Zealander or even a Pole, and she is so high-ranked in Solarian society that we find it obligatory to mention her separately from Solaris's other races. She lives alone on an island known as New New England, and is served by several wage slaves who happen to be squirrels. Their names are Barry, Curly, Barry, Larry, Barry, Barry, Moe, Barry, Noel, and Matthew Perry. 

edit Business

RamenNoodleSkaylia

Ramen!

edit Chief Exports

Solaris has four main exports: rubber bouncy balls, ramen, high-grade titanium, and red rubber bouncy balls.

edit Businesses

Copo Socks

The local Copo, settled in a Lavender Town mall. By looking closely at this picture, it can be observed that Solarians use yen as their currency.

Being a fairly small planet, Solaris does not have the sufficient room to accommodate too many businesses. However, there are a few shops there, and they can be found if you simply know where to look. For instance, they've got Iron Man Hardware, The Hot Hot Bakery, and Copo. They sell socks.

edit Government

Solaris is currently ruled by its main city-state, Lavender Town (See also: Lavender Town Syndrome, which has nothing to do with Solaris, but hey, why not?). Several other such states are under hegemony of the aforementioned Lavender Town. These include Canada[7], Hounourville (say ON-er-ville; the name is Canadian[8], and thus the U's must be ignored), and a small, uncannily Jersey-like region known as The Penalty Box. 

A single monarch rules over Solaris. His name is King Sham the Fourteenth, but he much prefers to go by his adopted nicknames "Dr. Who", "Twilight Sparkle", and most commonly, "Stanislaw Lem". Sham currently resides at the very top of Solaris's highest mountain, which he personally named Rheya, in his estate, which he has also named -- Andrea, I believe. There, he can have a clear view of Solaris and all that goes on there. If he spies anything going wrong, he is not shy to act immediately. With one snap of his fingers, a crack squad of feared battle rabbits will eliminate the problem as soon as possible.

Also, it's commonly believed by the Solarian public that the King enjoys comic books. Thor is his personal favorite -- there's a great issue called The Wrath of the Wrecker that he really enjoys. However, he also likes other series, especially The She-Hulk[9].

edit Solaris: The Novel

Solaris

This picture has nothing to do with Solaris. Those silly Poles!

Back in that jolly old time that we know now as the 1960's, a Polish chap whose name no one can remember made an attempt to bring Solaris and knowledge of it to the Earth public, who, aside from the New Zealanders, knew virtually nothing about it at the time, in the form of a novel simply titled Solaris. However, unfortunately enough, since the poor fellow knew no more about Solaris than any of the people he intended to cater to, his depiction was awfully flawed.

In order to avoid exposing the fact that he knew nothing about Solaris at all, the Pole refrained from going into detail on any aspects of the planet's surface. Instead, his story took place on the satellite Cambodia, a small floating city in orbit of Solaris. This locale, as it turned out, does not actually exist. But hey -- who can blame the guy? After all, he was clueless.

As for the story itself, Solaris, or anything related to it at all, for that matter, was involved very little. The story was simply a tale of a young man and his sexual stress -- the likes of which you have undoubtedly read countless times already. As this article is about Solaris, not sex, we will refrain from mentioning it here.

edit The Solarian-Neopian Missile Crisis

In recent times, Solaris has become involved with Neopia in a major missile crisis against Earth. The Neopians, wanting nothing but to destroy Earth, had long ago set up the famous "Neopets" scam, in which the money of hapless Americans was sapped through what they thought to be a simple virtual pets game. However, in fact, this money has been going secretly toward a secret fund.

The Neopians plan to use the money that they are slowly but surely amassing to pay the Solarians for the use of their patented Antimatter Missiles, which the Neopians will then fire on a course for Earth. Given that these missiles contain about 600 metric tons of pure antimatter, as well as a built-in TV playing Paula Deen shows on an unending loop, they will surely destroy the Earth upon impact. Unfortunately, President Obama has dismissed the crisis as paltry, claiming that it is far less important in these days than the racial discrimination of Asian elephants in Africa.

Such will be the doom of the Earth.

Oh, well.

edit References

  1. That is, if RunninRiiz hasn't been bullshitting all of us for almost ten years by now.
  2. In fact, the planet was originally planned to be called Ear, but the name was shot down fairly quickly after the discovery of a planet bearing a suspiciously similar name. Thus, they settled for the much more logical Solaris.
  3. The typical Solarian wardrobe consists often of such things as sports bras, miniskirts, microskirts, neon green sports bras, nanoskirts, and invisible tops.
  4. Eventually, he gave up his job to begin his career as the bassist for a rock band known as Trush, which only became popular on Earth once the decision was made to drop the T.
  5. Even the twat who wrote the top part of this article assumed it!
  6. He enjoys doing so to Solarian females in the process of having sex. The reaction is always comedy gold!
  7. Not that Canada.
  8. Again, not that Canada
  9. Who doesn't?
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Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus | Neptune
Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Dystopia | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets:
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