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Solar Power is considered, almost universally, to be the cheapest, most efficient way of producing electricity. Although mentioned as far back as 4700 B.C.(E.) in the Bible and Sumerian texts, modern solar power was invented in 1938 by Dr. Albert Hoffman at the Sandoz Laboratories. Photovulcanic Cells are used to collect the sun's energy, a term derived from the Sanskrit base "संस्कृता" meaning "mystical aura of God" and "vulqangan" Klingon for "kleptomaniacal pointy-eared bastard" and loosely translated as "stealer of light."
Early Historical References
References to solar power throughout history are widespread. In the Sumerian Book of Cacaphonabodhi (爆菊花 他媽的 叫你生孩子长痔疮) dated to the late 48th century BC, harnessing the energy of the sun is directly referenced.
On the fourteenth day, of the twenty-second month, of the two-hundred-and-eighty-first year, I walked into the city of the light. I beheld before me three great winged creatures alight atop three pillars. And then the skies opened and I was blinded by the aura of God. The creatures opened their great wings, and the rays of heaven filled them with their power. I walked up to a passerby, a Priest of the Mount and asked, "Most holy sirrah, what hath happened to yonder winged creature." And he responed, "Bloody hell, its these damned lads and their bloody ideas to save the whole blooming world from global warming. Now get the hell out of my way, the brothel closes at nine tonight." As I walked on, I saw a young man and asked him what they were to use God's power for. And he responded, "To fucking pwn on Xbox live, ever since those fags shut down that nuclear power plant, we've had to amuse ourselves in other ways." As I left I knew this city truly was the seat of God.Although this passage seems to depict the earliest use of Photovulcanic Cells (known specifically as Aviophotovulcanic Cells) top scientists have speculted that there were many mistakes made in translation, specifically that Sumerians would not have known about columns because they were not invented until the First Empire in 1704-1814, and that a priest would NEVER have been referred to as sirrah. It is speculated that these mistakes were only possible due to the translator's professed use of mescaline and other drugs.
More solid evidence is seen in the pages of the Bible. In Genesis 1:3-5, it reads:
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He thought "Hmm...this is cool. But the people will need some way to capture this energy." God called the light "day," and the way of capturing this light he called "Photovulcanic Cells." And there was light, and there were photovulcanics—the first day.Later translations have skewed this original meaning slightly, but this reference to solar energy is accepted by many scholars, with its only major detractors being those who believe the Bible is bullshit.
In 1934, Dr. Albert Hoffman stumbled (well, more like tripped) over a collection fo his friend's translation work at a late-night intellectual gathering. This description of the "winged creature" in the Sumerian manuscripts greatly intrigued him, and he immediately went outside to duplicate the tails circumstances. using his cat-like reflexes, Hoffman plucked a bat out of mid air and bit its head off, he then took a dismembered bat wing, attactched electrodes two it and sprinkeled it with the aura of God--to no avail. For the next three years he worked tirelessly with all kinds of flighted creatures, and even branched into non-flighted birds, such as penguins, kiwis, dodo birds, Donald Duck, and Platypi. He finally came to the conclusion that Sumerians texts were complete bullshit made to keep subjects in line.
But Dr. Hoffman had a breakthrough later that year when he discovered that a compound derived from ergot capable of harnessing this energy. Armed with this new discovery, Hoffman immediately began testing designs and made the first modern Photovulcanic Cell in late 1938.
The schematics of Photovulcanic Cells (PVC) are very complex and were not even entirely understood by Dr. Hoffman himself. The materials used to make Photovolcanic cells are:
- Eau de Ergot
- 2 Eggs
- 1/2 Cup Milk
- 1/4 Cup Sugar
- 1 tsp Nutmeg
- Lemon Zest
- A little bit of luck
And the use of this equation:
People have professed to using PVC in ways it was not intended, such as for sustenance. side affects have been found to range from abdominal cramps and vomiting to mild hallucinations, cerebral hemorrhaging, gallstones, erectile dysfunction, and sore throats. PVCS SHOULD NEVER BE EATEN!!
It was discovered that besides luck, magic and divine intervention are interchangeable, though each does effect slightly the effectiveness of the PVC. "Lucky" PVCs tend to operate the best, at near 99.99% percent efficiency, but only 20% of the time. "Magical" PVCs are in the 90% range, but require occult black rituals that may or may not cause you to go to hell. "Divine" PVCs start at only 10% efficiency, but will increase steadily in direct proportion to the amount of money you give your local bishop.
Solar energy is used for many other purposes besides the direct creation of electricity. In fact, humans can live indefinitely on the sun alone. This was proven in 2004 by ex-rapper turned-life-force-guru HRM (nee (Ni! Ni!) n Manek) was shown by a crew of Indian doctors to have lived for 478 million years, on sunlight alone. Satellite imagery concluded that he was, in fact, telling the truth, and background radiation scanning seemed to futher prove this hypothesis. So go out, strap yourself in a chair, and let the sunlight flow though! its good for you...you'll live for millions of years..or your money back! Sideffects may include, heart failure, dehydration, AIDS, Never getting laid, super herpies, becoming black, and penis shrinkage.