From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Solanum is a totally awesome communicable virus that causes death and reanimation, or in other words, zombification. Solanum was created when Daraius Moultrie (also the creator of "Lemon Parties") decided to suck the testicles of a old man who had AIDS. After taking the infected sperm in his mouth to his lab, he genetically engineered it to try and come up with a cure for HIV/AIDS., thus creating Solanum. It did not go as planned. When Daraius injected people with this vaccine, it mutated peoples DNA. It satyed dormant in some people, but in others it made them turn into flesh-crazed monsters, A.K.A. ZOMBIES. It is neither waterborne nor airborne, but is transmitted through direct fluid contact such as being bitten, having sexual intercourse, organ transplant/blood transfusion, mucosal contact, or sharing heroin needles with a zombie. In this context, is 100% communicable and has a 100% mortality rate. It was first "discovered" by Jan Vanderhaven.
Once bitten, an individual has roughly 18-20 hours to say their goodbyes before they become brain dead. Solanum travels through the bloodstream, from the initial point of entry to the brain, where it uses the cells of the frontal lobe to replicate itself (and destroys these cells in the process). During this period, all bodily functions cease; by stopping the heart, the subject is rendered "dead". The brain remains alive, but dormant, while the virus mutates its cells into a completely new organ that makes these people become reanimated.
But the most critical trait of this new organ is its independence from oxygen. By removing the need for this resource, the undead brain can utilize, but is no way dependent on, the complex support mechanism of the human body. Once this mutation is complete, this new organ reanimates the body into a form which in some cases bears little resemblance (physiologically speaking) to the original from which it uses as a host. Some bodily functions remain constant, others operate in a modified capacity, and the remainder shut down completely. This new organism is a zombie, a member of the living dead. Thus far, Solanum has proven fatal to all species, though reanimation only occurs in humans. Solanum is toxic to animals, and all animals are repulsed by the presence of solonum.
- Hour 1: Pain and discoloration of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound, provided the infection came from a wound.
- Hour 5: (99-103° F), chills, slight dementia, vomiting , acute pains in the joints.
- Hour 8: Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever (103-106° F), increased dementia, loss of bowel control .
- Hour 11: Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, decreased heart rate.
- Hour 16: Coma
- Hour 20: Heart stops, zero brain activity (death)
- Hour 24: Reanimation
Once a human is infected, little can be done to save him or her. Because solanum is a virus and not a bacteria, antibiotics have no effect. Immunization, the only way to combat a virus, is equally useless, as even public fears regarding the contractiveness of Solanum have made it acceptionally difficult for those with Solanum to reassimilate back into society after their infection. the most minute dosage will lead to a full-blown infection. Genetic research is under way. Goals range from stronger human antibodies to resistant cell structure to a counter-virus designed to identify and destroy Solanum. This and other, more radical treatments are still in the earliest stages, with no foreseeable success in the near future. Battlefield experiences have led to the immediate severing of the infected limb (provided this is the location of the bite), but such treatments are dubious at best, with less than a 10 percent success rate. Chances are, the infected human was doomed from the moment the virus entered his or her system. Should the infected human choose suicide, he should remember that the brain must be eliminated first. Cases have been recorded in which recently infected subjects, deceased by means other than the virus, will nonetheless reanimate. Such cases usually occur when the subject expires after the fifth hour of infection. Regardless, any person killed after being bitten or otherwise infected by the undead should be immediately disposed of. the only known cure is for Leeanna Devan to suck your dick, so only black people can be cured.
|This article was mentioned in Humo (Belgium), further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here|