Soil Mackerel

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Soil Mackerel is a common name applied to a species of fish, the Scombridae Solumus. They occur only in anaerobic soils with a high moisture content. Soil Mackerel will normally grow to 1.7m. Only a Soil Mackerel Queen will grow much larger than this, reaching 2m at full maturity, although some say that the Queen will grow an extra 50cm when laying her vast egg deposits. These days Soil Mackerel numbers are becoming smaller and smaller, due to over fishing in many places including Utah and Kiribati.

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The Original Soil Mackerel

edit Research

Until last year the Soil Mackerel was thought to be a myth or urban legend such as the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot or Jesus . This was until the first Soil Mackerel was caught on Hob Moor, York by Professor Iley and Professor Malpass Of the University of York Environmental Science and Theoretical Ecology Department. The initial find sent the scientific community into chaos. The Soil Mackerel Experimental Group (SMEG) was set up to further the study into the behavior of the Soil Mackerel, how it could be used to help humans and to answer the question is it better in a sandwich than tuna?

The initial members of SMEG were Professor Iley and Professor Malpass. They were later joined by Professor Richard Golding, a leader in the field of invertebrates and soil dwelling creatures. Professor Golding's first contribution to the research into Soil Mackerel was a paper stating that contrary to Darwin's theory, earthworms commonly rise to the soil surface when it rains due to predation by soil mackerel. Commonly referred to as 'the scavengers of the soil', the fish take full advantage of temporary anaerobic soil conditions and worms only escape the carnage by retreating to the pavements (where humans carefully avoid squashing them). This new theorey did not find favor with many ecologists, especially the cult of Darwin. High priest and leading beard grower Professor Dave Raffaelli summoned the greater daemon of Darwin, a 50ft Sea Cucumber. The Sea Cucumber attacked the researchers of SMEG while they were conducting a survey of Soil Mackerel numbers in the Humber Estuary in what is now know as the Battle of Cleethorpes . The members of SMEG looked doomed until they were saved by a Swarm of Basking Soil Mackerel on their way to breeding grounds near Thirsk

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Members of SMEG (l to r; Professor Golding, Professor Iley, Professor Malpass)

The research into Soil Mackerel has spread across the Atlantic with Professor Bill Blumpkin of the Univeristy of Maryland founding the American School of Soil Fish And Calcified Environments (ASSFACE) twined with the Maryland Agricultural School of Dirt Farming.

edit Soil Mackerel Facts & Findings

It is a little known fact that the skin of the Soil Mackerel can be used to make very fine shoes.

Although the mature Soil Mackerel lives in anaerobic soil conditions, the juvenile Soil Mackerel prefer water with a high % dissolved oxygen and chloride concentration. They are often mistaken for brown trout.

It is illegal to eat Soil Mackerel in 17 States of America.

The mature soil mackerel sheds its skin (or foven) once a year. A good sized foven can be used to make gimp suits and other bondage attire.

Research carried out at the University of York soil mackerel research department has found oils drained from its stomach can be used to cure piles.

The lentil smell of vegan urine can be used to draw Soil Mackerel to the surface.

If you are ever tracking wild Soil Mackerel, the best animal to use to hunt them down is a beaver. The German government recently passed a bill banning the barbaric sport of hunting Soil Mackerel with packs of beavers.

The Soil Mackerel has a shell inside its body to protect it from inner daemons. The Octopus tried to copy this evolutionary advancement, but failed. This is why so many Octopii are paranoid schizophrenics.

The Basking Soil Mackerel (often mistaken for an old Freckled Grouper) can follow worms to the surface, where is gives chase dragging itself along the soil with it's tongue. This can leave a trail often mistaken for that of a slug.

In the winter month the Soil Mackerel will feed on the Greater Water-parsnip (Sium latifolium) leading to large groups moving to the North York Moors. If the water parsnip is late flowering the Soil Mackerel will feed on the Red Hemp-nettle.

Its been discovered that in Saxon times Soil Mackerel were trapped, shredded and fermented into a beer.

edit Soil Mackerel In History and Mythology

The legendary 12 tasks of Hercules was originally the 13 tasks of Hercules, with the 13th task being for Hercules to slay the mighty Soil Mackerel of Sparta and use its vast foven to make 300 suits of armour. Unfortunately, the mighty Soil Mackerel wasn't so mighty and there was only enough foven to make 300 pairs of pants.

The General Synod 2006 meeting at University of York ( Church of England thing) decided that Jesus fed the 10,000 people with a loaf of bread and some fish, one of the fish was a soil mackerel. To be exact the very rare double finned pink soil mackerel famous for its ability to feed 9,999 people. so it wasn't a miracle after all, it was soil mackerel.

edit What Next For Soil Mackerel?

The summer of 2006 will see the First Annual General Conference of the Global Importance of Soil Mackerel (F.A.G.C.G.I.S.M) to be held at the University of York on 12th June.

One of the highlights should be Robert Bellamy presenting his thesis on Global Salt Cycle and Soil Mackerel Queen migration.

An outline of Mr Bellamy's research "The recent discovery of a Soil Mackerel Queen has thrown the academic world into chaos. Now it is believed not only that Soil Mackerel have evolved eusociality and behave in a similar fashion to their invertebrate counterparts, the ants, but they also ARE invertebrates. Astounding. The Soil Mackerel Queen finds a suitable nesting site, and burrows to a depth of around 6 meters, where it filters all the oxygen out of the soil using its gills, creating anaerobic conditions. Once achieved, the Queen then gives birth (yes birth, not eggs) to a cluster of soldier Soil Mackerel. These can be told apart from their larger guns and wings. Once the nest is secure, the Queen grows an egg sack which then lays Soil Mackerel drone eggs."

Other Highlights will include

1. Friends of Hob Moor, Professor Iley and Professor Malpass to give update and current research on the Hob mMoor Soil Mackerel. This is the original Soil Mackerel population that was discovered by Iley and Malpass last year in may 2006 whilst carrying out soil sample collection for Lord Cresser (all praise be to him) 2. Professor Simon Malpass and Dr Robert Machin will hold a debate on the disputed G-bosh model of Soil Mackerel population mapping. 3. Professor Richard Golding to give a talk on soil mackerel population in compost bins. 4. Dr Welch will judge the Soil Mackerel Bikini contest. Miss Vanuatu is favorite to win with the bookies.

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