Soggy crackers

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Not to be confused with: Soggy Biscuit

edit Overview of the Soggy Cracker

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Soggy crackers.

Soggy crackers are not very good because they're quite soggy and have poor grammar skills. Like, if you say "Hey, there soggy cracker whats, some good grammar? Well!" it will probably still be soggy and won't have listened.Just face it you people, talking to soggy crackers wont do a thing. If your talking to crack, thats another story.

The soggy cracker's favourite film is "Mad Max 3" because it hasn't seen Lord of the Rings: Return of the King and thinks the other two are a bit rubbish to be honest. So there you go.

edit How to spot a soggy cracker.

First, if you see a cracker that isn't soggy, it isn't a soggy cracker yet. If you see something soggy, like a cat, which isn't a cracker, you can wait around for bloody ages but it probably won't turn into a cracker unless crackers are made from soggy cats. It is probably best to wait for a cracker to become wet as it will be soggy then.

Otherly, you can find soggy crackers in the wild, but only at Fort William, as there is no other habitat which the soggy cracker finds hospitable, and they also go to the shops with a bag of sugar for days out. Why? Because what else would a soggy cracker do with a bag of sugar? (This is a traditional soggy cracker proverb, see "Cracker proverbs" for more).

edit Relatives of the Soggy cracker (soggius crackeria shittum)

Most soggy crackers have an auntie margret who is also a soggy cracker. More importantly, they have friends in the biscuit world which they occasionally meet and discuss current trends in the buffalo patterns with, or if the mood takes them, danish cutlery. These include burnt rich tea biscuits, half eaten jaffa cakes and anything animal shaped. Except animals. They would just eat everything. Other relatives include the crackers own special theory of relativity, which is the same except the C stands for "cracker" and the other half is just a picture of slime. in a cup.

i.e. slime in a cup = mc squared. The best minds in the soggy cracker world are still working on what the M stands for. Current theories include: the olymipcs, neon signs and blanka from street fighter. It should be pointed out soggy crackers aren't too bright.

edit Soggy Cracker Statistics

1. Soggy crackers have no lifespan, but are very well off.
2. The soggy cracker consumes half a pint of butter sometimes, for a laugh.
3. More soggy crackers drive Vauxhall cars than Jetski Plum Pudding. (It's true! Ask Big Dave).
4. The only useful invention created by the soggy cracker was the Yacht, which was inivented by Frimaldus Sogglod, but was stolen by a human, who subsequently trodded on the soggy cracker and sold the Yacht to the West. Henceforth, "Being Bright" was made illegal and punishable by hairdryer.
5. 97%
6. The phrase "American keyboard" has never been uttered by a soggy cracker as they cannot speak unless in proverbs such as "Squink me up another Pete!"
7. Fort William is in Egypt and surrounded by eagles with no sense of direction but great fashion sense.
8. Soggy crackers will never attack but they would if they could.
9. If all of the soggy crackers on Fort William clumped together as one huge mass, somebody would clean it up.
10. This happened once, and they never bothered to do it again.

edit Soggy Cracker proverbs

"What else would ya do with a bag of sugar?"
"Squink me up another Pete!"
"Damps have more fun"
"better soggy than burnt"
"Lord of the rings is shit"
"If stop is pots backward than stop that pot"
"No, I don't believe I'll order the onion peels, they seem a bit moist"
"better safe than sloppy"
"watch your step or you'll be stepped on"
"The cracker in the turret, is pretty high"
"Stand still and the eagle won't come to you ---it'll go over there probably"
"oh no! it's all gone a bit moldy"
"Slow but steady makes a mess"
"isn't this a groovy slogan"
"that crackers so soggy, you could spread HIM on cheese"

edit The Cult of the Crackisdoom

The more philosphical crackers believe in an afterlife, as there was a beforelife (when most of them were just plain crackers, and those who were born soggy believe they weren't in a previous life) so they formed the Cult of Crackisdoom, which has no relevance to their god or anything but it gives them plenty of kudos and stuff. Their theology is 95% whale based but makes for a good read (Buy "Pam's Book of Sog" from Amazon now for only 63 soggy cracker dollars and 9 Euros now! It's heaventastic!)

As for the 5% of their relgion that has nothing to do with whales has much to do with cracker hymns, which are just a bunch of their fifteen proverbs remixed into groovy house hits. Basically, if you are a soggy cracker and a Crackisdoomite, you will believe that you won't have been soggy before and further sogginess awaits in the afterlife (a.k.a. Puddlesville on the Wet). They don't believe in a particular deity but are awaiting offers.

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