Softball

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“Why do they call it softball? Isn't the ball harder than the ones they use in regular baseball?”
~ Oscar Wilde on softball

“Well, Mr. Burns had done it, the Power Plant had won it, With Roger Clemens clucking all the while, Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile, While Wade Boggs lay unconsious on the barroom tile We're talkin' softball, From Maine to San Diego, Talkin' Softball, Mattingly and Canseco, Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw, Steve Sax and his run-in with the law, We're talking Homer, Ozzie and the Straw!!”

~ Some Guy on Talkin' about Softball

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Softball is a magical and interesting sport. Since 566 the Wizards of China have been playing the game, but was cancelled the following year.

[edit] History

Softball is a ball sport created by Mr. John Softball in 1887, when the first game was held. Mr. Softball was an Amish man who played modern ball sports such as tennis and soccer, and the game is based around the irony that the softball is, in fact, hard. Before 1930 softballs would be made of sandpaper and large metal spikes, and many fatalities occurred when individuals would attempt to catch the ball and impale themselves. For this reason in 1928 gloves made out of tanned cow stomach were given to the players. Softball is a wonderful sport today played by the people of Japan.

[edit] Players

There are nine players on the softball field. First is the pitcher, who is the most injured player on the team. Why? Ever try to move your arm in a big circle just to throw a stupid ball, pal? I doubt it. So if you don't believe us, then go out and try it yourself. There, I knew that'd answer your question. The pitcher's job is simple, to throw the ball to the batter to hit. The one who makes sure that the pitcher's pitches don't go away is the catcher. The softball catcher is the prettiest. Some teams go with the prettiest one wear the catcher's mask so she does not distract all the rowdy boys in attendance from the rest of the game. The first basemen, er woman guards, what else, first base and is in charge of doing all the hot guys seventh inning stretch. The second basemen/woman and shortstop are interchangeable, and are often identical twins so as to confuse the opposition. The third base player is the most important on the team, as she holds up the runners and is the sister of the school hunk. There are three players in the outfield(left fielder, center fielder, and right fielder, duh!), but since no body really cares about them, they often play with themselves during their time when their team is out on the field. Players are also sometimes considered to be GAY

[edit] Equipment

In more recent years, the traditional hitting bat has been replaced with the hitter's last girlfriend, cleats have been replaced by Dutch shoes, and the catcher's equipment now consists of a simple chicken suit. In the event that the hitter should ever hit the ball, they have to use regular baseball gloves, just like the MLB does. The ball, despite the name of the sport, feels really really hard.

[edit] Rules

• The first rule of Softball is that you do not talk about softball.
• The second rule of Softball is that you do talk about, well, anything. For hours on end.
• The fourth rule of Softball is that the ball is not soft. It's just named softball as part of the world wide double entendre conspiracy.

[edit] Scoring

No one scores with the women on a softball team, nor do the women themselves keep score. There is no winning or losing, for it is the talking part which matters. In this sense they are all winners, or more accurately they are all losers.