Society of Underdeveloped Crime-fighters

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“Yeah, but at least I don't wallow in a sea of self pity!”

~ Andrew McDowell on Dustin Lovell

One of the most insignificant crime-fighting leagues in the world, and also one of the worst funded, the S.U.C. is made up solely of the so-called “heroes” that no other team wants.

Contents 1 History 2 The Founding Members 3 Rejected Members 4 Nowadays 5 Post-Crisis

[edit] History

During the dark times of the early fifties, when such notable super-hero teams as “The Eco-Squad” and “The Unpronounceables” were captured by the evil toadstool women of Garbuloc, the people of Earth had to really scrape the barrel to find some heroes. They placed an ad in The Sun, and eventually managed to form the S.U.C. from the best, to use that term very loosely, of that lot. These shining beacons of bravery and bold costuming were SAK (Swiss Army Knife), Garlic Breath, and the Apparitio. Luckily, God always did like the underdog, so he let them win.

[edit] The Founding Members

• Garlic Breath: The name sums it all up, really. Acquired his powers when he was struck by lightning a really big jolt of static electricity while eating a radioactive burrito, just before being bitten by a genetically altered badger, and then dropped into a vat of a mysterious experimental substance, injected with a prototype super-serum and cursed by witches, mystical shamans and the gods. Finally, he went on a heroic quest to capture several mythical treasures, such the 1st edition of Harry Potter, the pillars of Islam, the secret sixth golden ticket, Osama Bin Laden and Donald Trump's hair piece. So naturally he was a bit peeved when he discovered what his newly-acquired power was. But he has soldiered through regardless.
• Swiss Army Knife: Is able to morph his fingers into any one of the Swiss Army Knife’s tools and blades, including the ever-popular corkscrew. Acquired his powers in a bet. Wears a uniform of close-fitting spandex. Don't they all?
• Apparitio: The natural leader of the group, Apparitio also designed the costumes. He is able to teleport, but only to the exact same spot he came from. However, this could be handy when dodging a bullet. If he could react in time. Which he can’t. He can also levitate into the air, but only in a straight line upwards, and can’t come back down. Acquired powers from his father, Aquaman, although he doesn’t like to admit it because Aquaman is pretty lame.

[edit] Rejected Members

• Jake Pajamas: Jake Pajamas was a superhero that the Catholics invented to teach lessons to small skinny children to encourage them to eat more. Most stories of Jake Pajamas' deeds were published by Pocket Comics Inc., a wholly-owned tool of the Pope, in the year 2001. Jake Pajamas is best known for the defeat of the Giant Possessed Trash Can and the murder of Bob Balloons, an evil Satan-worshipper. The Pope also tried to give Pajamas credit for the Fatcow Tapes, which saved the nation in the 1990s, but Fatcow proceeded with a lawsuit against Catholicism for this action and won 30 trillion dollars. Jake Pajamas' fame then begun to decline and was barely a memory by the year 2004.

• Bob Fatcow: In 1973, Bob Fatcow entered the world with hunger on his mind. Bob Fatcow was one of the larger men this world has ever seen; many people of the world see him as possibly more influential and holy than Buddha, and certainly larger, although not bigger than Jesus. He is most recognized for his tapes on helping gain weight, which saved countless lives during the 1990s, when a weight-loss craze led America into a downward spiral towards death from anorexia.

None of this has anything to do with the S.U.K., of course.

[edit] Nowadays

Since that fateful first battle, the S.U.K.’s numbers have swelled. Nowadays, they are used mainly for rescuing cats that are stuck in trees and the like, and are only kept on because they are under a 75 year contract. There is talk, however, of making an animated cartoon serial about their adventures, to be drawn either on a computer or by hand, unless they can think of some other way to do it. It will include pictures played at fast motion, to give the impression of movement, and in theory will be the complete opposite to live action, because of its manufactured state. As a cartoon. Um.

Anyhoo, notable members of the current S.U.K. include:

• The Flash: Not the one you are thinking of; this one distracts the baddies by exposing himself. A veteran of this business, is now eighty-five and wondering why he didn't go into some other line of work that would have included a pension. Always carries a pack of cards in his never-ending quest to learn something. A close inspection of his uniform will reveal a small button on the upper right that says "Skip Intro".

• Wonderbra: The S.U.K.'s first female member, she also distracts her villainous opponents by exposing herself, often more effectively than The Flash. Since joining the S.U.K., she has usually preferred to work alone, as her teammates are even more easy to distract and are more deeply offended when she punches them out. However, her most successful team-up has been with:

• The Shades: an ordinary shmoe from California who discovered the amazing Shades of Zamboni while beachcombing. Once donned, these magical sunglasses completely deprive him of sight, but make him immune to all radiation, including sunlight. As a result, he does not cast a shadow and can sneak up behind bad guys in broad daylight with the sun behind him.

• The Drunken Gibbon: Literally, just a monkey with a bottle of schnapps. Can make any villain decline and fall. Likes to hang out with:

• Roast Toast AKA RT, Artie, Art, Artoo, Deetoo, Arthur. Has a toaster for a head, can shoot fire from top.

• Entropy Boy: Possesses the power to increase randomness. Can never keep his room clean or get anywhere on time. Very dangerous anywhere near computers or other machinery, as he afpoy6al egl696E KHLGF SDAsdgkUI&#*&%(*^$^7 65df &*&

• Pearly Whites: The illegitimate love-child of a lounge-lizard singer and the 1940s Crest spokesmodel. Can make his teeth glow in the dark, blinding his opponents (and often his friends), except for The Shades.

• Gaydar: Can colour-coordinate like anyone’s business. Has a mean left. He is everywhere.

• Shanty: This sailor will sing you a song, a song of the seas, accompanying himself on an accordion. Defeats his opponents by drowning them in reminiscences. In his secret identity, he lives in a cardboard shack by the beach.

[edit] Post-Crisis

Following the Crisis on Infinite Earths, three past members of the Society of Underdeveloped Crime-Fighters who have previously gone "unmentioned" have now been revealed. The previously unheard-of heroes are as follows-

• Afro-Desiac Sporting an incredibly large afro, this white stallion has the power to seduce anyone, be they male or female.

• The Shrubbery The Shrubbery resembles a green Wookie, and has the ability to change into any animal he has had sex with in the past.

• Sexually Active Lass At only 16 years of age, she has the ability to have sex with a man, and then sue him for adultery the next day.

• Olympic Urine Lad He has the unique ability to predict the exact quantity of piss that will be discharged by athletes and spectators during an entire Olympic Games. But only two months in advance.