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“Socialism is the most rational, humane and effective way of organizing an economy. It's a science just like physics. Now please remove the gun.”
“National socialism isn't really socialism.”
“The goal of socialism is to lead to communism.”
Socialism was a term invented (stolen) in 1905 at half past three in the morning by the punk rocker Karl Marx from homosexual French and British intellectuals of the likes of Henri de Sain Simon. The original socialist position was that man should apply rational planning to the economic aspect of society, on behalf of the state, for the benefit of everyone/society/the nation/insert any group here. Marx later bastardized the term to mean that a dictator of the proletarian peoples should rule, which means that the most uneducated and worthless class (the slave workers) should control the economy through the workers state (or the dictator of the proletarians, who knows better than the others). Marx was apparently seen downloading vodka porn with several notable drinking buddies, including Vladimir Nabokov, who was looking to pick up "biatches n hoes" as the official Socialist history states. (This event is memorialised in the Marx's introduction to 'The Communist Manifesto', which stated, 'Even in the dead of Russian winter, the young totty goes out in short skirts and little dresses. You've got to love it.') By 10p.m., the bar had been drunk dry. Enraged, Marx smashed an empty bottle on the table and used it to threaten the barman, asking, 'O, callous defender of the liquor, lined-face keeper of the drop, where art our divine liquid?' Marx always talked a bit like that when he was wasted, so it's easy to see which bits of the Manifesto were written under the influence. Because of this fact, some say socialism is evil because it gave birth to communism (as well as social democracy, the social market, welfare, economic planning, nazism, gulags, technocracy, more human rights, communist parties, and the Philosopher's Stone).
In the Western World socialism is promoted by intellectuals, Champagne-drinkers, scientists and wannabe hippies who believe that they (the intellectuals) are smarter and thus should control the state, which should direct economic activity in a rational manner. The opposite of socialism is capitalism, which is promoted by businesspeople, corporations, spoiled brats and libertarian nutjobs who believe they are the most capable to run and direct society on behalf of the capitalist market, because the freedom for corporations to do as they please and the quest for profit will result in the most rational society.
There is great debate amongst socialists as to what the hell their system is, which version is right and who the real socialists are. The revolutionaries want to lynch all the capitalists, for example. The evolutionary/reformist socialists want society to evolve from capitalism to socialism. The democratic socialists want to do it through party politics. The Marxists want the uneducated masses of slave workers to rise up and establish the dictator of the proletarians. The libertarian socialists like Noam Chomsky hate the state and the capitalists, while socialists just hate the capitalist businesses and capitalists just hate the state/socialists. The modern Chinese believe that capitalism is the best form of socialism with Chinese characteristics. Oh, and the National Socialists believe the road to socialism is to kill all the Jews, while the Jews themselves believe the kibbutz is the best form of socialism.
(Well to start I would basically like to state the fact that socialism is communism for great men) A transcription of a famous (though poor for laughs) memo by Lenin reads: 'Socialism is the only way of securing human happiness. The guiding principle of socialism is that death, war, famine, environmental disaster and the possibility of a Ricky Martin comeback are bad things and products of capitalism, which must be overthrown. An enlightened person can easily see that this is true beyond a doubt, and that beards, choirs, the Dictatorship of the Proletariat, police state, folk music and massive executions are the solution.'
It turned out that this guy, attempting to profit from organisational chaos caused by losses in the Russo-Japano-Sino-Chino-Wino-Dino war, had purchased five crates of vodka to sell on at inflated prices. The angry Marx formulated the communist doctrine on the spot. Marx later refined his theory into what eventually became Super Socialism.
In 2007, Lenin watched the following sketch, called 'World War One', as broadcast on Russian television:
- John Cleese: In 1914, war was beginning.
- Austria: What happen?
- Gavrilo Princip: Someone set up us the bomb.
Lenin turned off his television in disgust, livvid. (All socialists are permanently angry, usually about how Americans think the Cuban healthcare system is somehow bad.) He went down the bar to get drunk; unfortunately, all alcohol had been bought by Marx at knockdown prices, to be sold to finance the printing of 'Moll Flanders', the raunchy sequel to 'The Communist Manifesto.' Lenin turned purple and did the shouty thing from Akira, causing many windows to smash and fall to the floor. In their translucent, crystalline reflections Lenin saw his own face, turned in hate; this was what capitalism had turned him into. This was him, more machine than man. Was this a man? Was this society? Was this life?
There were acutally two Russian Revolutions; a practice run in February, the real thing eight months later. The events of this revolution are narrated in Sergei Eisenstein's amazing documentary, The Hunt for Red October.
When did it all go wrong?
Socialists often claim that the Soviet Union never took place. They claim that whatever was going on there, it wasn't real socialism. So, where did it all go wrong? The different socialist groupings offer their own favourite key turning points:
- The Lennonists: Are into John Lennon's message "Imagine" and the four apostles known as the "beatles".
- The Marxists: Are into Groucho Marx's message of simpler funnier ways to get around life and his apostles who are his brothers.
- The Social Democrats: In 1917, Social Democrats and liberals were attacked by the Mensheviks and the Bolsheviks. (The Magazine song 'Shot By Both Sides' is about this event.)
- The Mensheviks: In 1917 the Mensheviks were shot by the Bolsheviks.
- The Anarchists: In 1921 when anarchic Kronstadt sailors were ordered to be shot by Leon Trotsky. (Later immortalised in the film 'Leon').
- The Trotskyites: In 1927 when Stalin expelled Trotsky and ordered him to be shot to death with a pickaxe. When the soldiers reported on their inability to carry out this order, they too were ordered to be shot with a pickaxe for sabotage. This unfortunate order started the Great Purge, leading to the deaths of millions of people. It was finally over when the incredible self-detaching-head pickaxe was invented. It's creator was shot for bourgoine ideas, however the SDHP was entered into service.
- The Stalinists: In 1953 when Stalin was sentenced to death by God and the Revolution was turned over to the Polite Bureaucrats.
- The Russian Linesman: In 1966 when England won the World Cup. Nothing to do with socialism.
- The Polite Bureaucrats: In 1991 when Gorbachev sold Russia to the
mafiaPerestroika. Until this point there had been no blackeconomy in Russia.
- The Mafia: In 2004 when Putin imprisoned super rich oil magnate Yust Bribemof and
socializedincorporated his assets, and most of all, revived Soviet nostalagic feelings.
- The Gorbis: Are sell-out communists, er socialists, er secret capitalists, er undecided, er Reaganomics.
- Liberal Democrats of America: Not liberal socialists to most of the world's standard, but gets in bed with any socialist country and makes a new economic way of life "State capitalism" (i.e. China). The American Democrats are whores to the capitalist pig (ew! gross!).
Totally over the edge
- The Black Russians: In 1995, when Time magazine published an article deeming the famous Black Russian cocktail inferior to Long Island Ice Tea, on the basis that 'Long Islands have more shots, so they fuck you up faster.' This decision is pending appeal.
- The dissolution of the Duma: A scandal erupted in 1997 when the new Glasnost policy released information that the famously strong Duma vodka (70% alcohol) was found to have been systematically watered down under Stalin's rule. The dissolving of the Soviet Union into the Commonwealth of States is thought to have taken care of this outrage.
- The White Russians. In 1997, after the evil Time magazine posted a follow up article on the subject of whether Long Island Iced Tea or a Black Russian fucks you up faster, the Socialists (rehab Cocktail conservatives mixed with chardonnay liberals, champagne socialists and Russian Molotov cocktails) saw an opportunity to destroy the capitalist menace by creating a drink that is somehow able to fuck you up even faster. Of course, they failed to see that people were too drunk anyways from the Long Island Iced Tea and White Russian fuckedupedness test benchmarking to care. The Dude abides, in any case.
Socialists form strong social, mostly gay, companionships where they call each other 'comrades'. They are often psychologists or bass players in punk bands. Many are to be found in Socialist Societies, or SocSocs, not to be confused with Cocktail Societies (CocSocs), Soccer Societies (SocSocs), or Rock Societies (RoSocs).
Many socialists are doctors in the Cuban healthcare system. Others sell T-shirts bearing the face of Che Guevara (which they say is NOT ironic) and the words 'Hasta la victoria siempre!' meaning 'Vodka, please', making millions of capitalist dollars in the process.
Communism ceased to exist in 1989, or so they say...
Socialismists have formed the largest market for marijuana, in a selfless attempt to bolster the income of poor marijuana farmers in Bristol or Newcastle. No other reason. Whatsoever. Really. Honestly.
All European countries are now socialist. Germany is slightly more national socialist than the rest... I forgot the abbreviation for a National Socialist. I know the long form was like National Socialist German Worker's Party...
- Karl Marx
- Hillary Clinton
- Super Socialism
- Public schools