Soap

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“Fuck no, I never use it.”
~ You

Soap (abbreviation Sp) is one of the Atomic Elements and for that reason, must never be dropped. Its Atomic Mass Number is 236 (just next to Uranium), although in nature the unstable isotope Sp 325 is much more abundant. The three condensation states of soap (solid, liquid and gaseous) are respectively known as:

  • Soap bars
  • Liquid soap
  • Soap bubbles
“Right, what the hell kind of name is Soap eh? How'd a muppet like you pass selection?.”
~ Captain Price on Soap

History

Discovery

In the western world Soap was incidentally discovered by chemical-anthropologist Otto von Schustenberg (1890-1945) during his famous inquiries among a nomadic tribe in northern Skandia (nowadays Lapland).

Having noticed the unusual shining bright skin of the tribe members, he could explain it as a consequence of their massive usage of a whitish, viscous substance as a body-painture during their tribal rites. By means of chemical analysis of this substance, he excluded all the possible known candidates (such as seminal liquid), and finally made the discovery. He named the new element "Soap" after the Hindi word "Sahib" which means "white man".

Back in the day

Early in the 18th century, soap was used to wash the words asshole, shit, mama, damn, God dammit, and cocksucker out of small children's mouths. The procedure involved grating a bar of deodorant soap between the child's front teeth and was practiced for 100 years or so until the 1980's. This was when the liberals took over the school systems and banished soap, ass whippings, math, and all forms of barbaric disciplines from the general public and instituted the me generation. Another deciding factor was the advent of liquid soap. You can't punish foul mouthed children with mouth watering and delicious watermelon, cucumber, or key lime flavored soaps.

Toxicity

Soap is among the most dangerous substances in nature. By means of chemical synthesis, a very powerful kind of drug can be extracted from Soap, known as Soap Opera. Its abuse can severely damage brain cells, leading to major neurologic diseases and it is the first cause of death among housewives in many western countries.

Another lethal application of Soap is the chemical weapon known as "The Slippery Floor", which can be obtained by combining Soap and water with a simple chemical procedure and spreading it on a flat horizontal surface. This infamous weapon -banned by all International treaties- has been successful employed in a number of terroristic attacks in restaurants (especially McDonalds) all around the world.

A floor contaminated by Sp-H2O will reverse to normal Slipping Values usually after a period of a few hours, depending on environment variables.

Caution wet floor
A floor contaminated by a small amount of Soap+water (courtesy US Shit Force)

Soap in common life

Soap is a word associated with bad sex, as in the phrase "I need a whore bath if I'm going to engage in casual sex with some stranger because I'm too damn lazy to take a shower. After all, why go through all the trouble when I'm going to immediately require another shower after sex anyway. I mean, for God's sake, now I'm talking three flashing showers in one day." I don't think so, dude, especially after the water company raised their rates last March.

Warning: never drink liquid soap. This will cause your mind to deteriorate to the point you think that you can actually drink soap. You seriously do not want to go there.

On the contrary to common belief, soap has many side-effects. Many of these side-effects were listed on Wikipedia but were removed because those guys are a pack of douche bags who don't give a shit about the health of their readers. Such side-effects may include, but are not limited to:

  • Sexually transmitted diseases (Bar soap) (Only if priorly used by a Norwegian prostitute named Olga)
  • Death if consumed in mass quantities. This was a popular form of suicide the day after Barack Obama was elected. (See Black Jesus)
  • Rape. (Don't bend over to pick it up)
  • Slipperiness of the genitalia

Facts about soap

  • According to archeologists, usage of soap as the only source of food in spite of its toxicity, was the main reason which caused the total and sudden disappearing of Maya civilization.Soap is also believed to have killed Jesus.
  • Bubble Soap Explosions (short form: BuSE) which occur as a natural phenomenon in the lower atmosphere are both a risk- since their destruptive nature- and a source of renewable energy, although their random appearance is still a major obstacle to this purpose;
  • Giant BuSE occours also in outer space, originating the so-called Gamma Ray Farts
  • Soap was rated the sixth greatest discovery by National Geographic Magazine in 2002.

Uses

  • Soap has been adapted for military purposes by the US and Iceland. The rest of the world has yet to catch on.
  • Soap is a very powerful repellent of vampires, evil spirits, and nerds.
  • Soap is used as fuel in the majority of NASA's space crafts. This explains why they do not work.
  • While highly inefficient, soap can be used as a power source for electrical devices in the absence of electricity. After a few minutes, everything explodes.
  • A common way for women to propose to guys is to present him with a bar of soap, then devour his skull while he is blinded.
  • Many believe that soap will grant immortality to any who drink it. This is false. It actually only works for men.
  • If you bury soap in the ground and frequently water it, it will grow into a soap tree within a few years. Contrary to its name, money grows on soap trees, not soap.
  • Soap is a suitable environment for many different types of microscopic life. It is often used by scientists harvesting midgets.
  • Soap is often used to kill the midgets that are harvested, it doesn't work, they grow bigger! NO THEY'RE GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD NOOO AHHHH!!!
  • Due to the enormous shortage of cannabis in South Wales, many have turned to the medicinal effects of soap bar, its the rubber in it that gets you off, you know?
  • Soap was a popular television show in 1982. Imagine - sitting around the living room watching a bar of soap for 30 minutes.
  • Soap is the natural enemy of geeks

It causes which Zodiac disease?

In addition to being a word in the English language that you're not supposed drink, soap is the chief cause of geminitus. Unfortunately, it has proven impossible to recall from stores, as the damn stuff just slips right through your fingers. Aw, shucks!

Don't drop it...

If you drop your soap in a public shower, don't pick it up. Unless you enjoy rectal violation. You naaaaughty boy. You nasty fool whoever has done this! When you do drop it the guys next to you will stick their fat ass cocks up your ass and then they will fuck you silly. After that they will stick it down you throat and you will choke on it.

What isn't soap

A very important resource on the internet, Wikipedia, which allows bureaucrats to edit your entire life story altering the past itself makes a very important point. Wikipedia is Not Soap, unfortunately, there have been several freaking documented cases of inmates scrubbing with Wikipedia, and then dropping their Wikipedia in the shower and being immediately rectally violated.

See also

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